Lately I feel that I have been losing interest in dance. This happened for months, like I don't feel the same spark, the happiness anymore. I try to find possible reasons, perhaps it dated back to my leader's abrupt leave last year (which was why I was so concerned about Kris's situation), perhaps it's because I have established a reputation in the studio, such that I seem to be the best. Maybe it's lack of competition because there aren't any members who have good skills, because all of them have no drive and it's killing me.

For people who follow my blog posts, you know how much dance was a part of me when I joined the team last year, working my way up the ranks until I got considerable recognition, how much I wanted to be a professional. I had conflicts with my mother because of this issue. It feels like I don't know dance anymore, you can't connect with something that you loved so much.

I try to pinpoint the reason why, because if I do not become a professional, what am I going to do for a living? I had decided on dance, dance and nothing else,  I wouldn't even settle for part-time dancing gigs, just full time. And what am I going to do now that I can't feel anything? For the moves that were so pretty, now I have no feelings, nothing. Dance was a part of my life, it still is because I can't break away from the team that I loved so much.

It's like my dance best friend. She got maligned by a student and she was removed from the team. She worked so hard and they chose to believe the senior's girlfriend over her. As much as I know it was partially her fault, it's still wrong. The relationships that we had, the leaders and this dance best friend, it was gone, the team changed. Everything changed. Until now this friend still refuses to go to another studio because "it feels like I'm betraying teacher." So much for loyalty, yet I have to pretend that I know nothing. They want to protect me. I can't protect the people that I love. The dance best friend that encouraged me, listened to me while I cried for hours because I felt I was wronged. So unfair, yet I can do nothing about it. She still loves dance, she had wanted to go for training to be a professional.

(Just when I think I put it behind me, I had to relive these memories, my conflict with the instructors that I admired so much. It's not pleasant at all.)

What can I say, it's like betraying my instructors. So much for loyalty, people betrayed them, but they betrayed others as well. Just when I thought I knew them, but they never knew me as well. We are all the same, we think others are jerks for hurting us but I realise, I'm a jerk as well.