I tried to not speak to my classmates, luckily we didn't have lessons today so I just slept most of it. They asked what's wrong with me, and I kind off want to tell them but then I realised they were asking for a reason. Repaying back the kindness I showed to them when they were having problems. The people that I am not even that close with are asking why I wasn't talking, why I was just looking at them but not starting a conversation. My best friend, at least to me she is, doesn't even talk to me today. She didn't even glanced at me, asked me why am I like this. I tried not to smile, but I failed 30% of the time since they are funny and it's hard not to smile. All my life I've always been smiling and care free, and to suddenly stopped myself from smiling is hard. 

I walked home with a boy, he's a senior. I didn't talk to him at all. I just smiled and sighed. He was frustrated all the way home. He even followed me till my house just to hear me say something anything. But I didn't. He said that it's stressful to walk in silence. I guess for him it is. I am used to silence. At home I don't really talk. My parents got home around 5. My brother around 7. My sister usually hangs out with her boyfriend downstairs. I'm alone with my laptop. Tho sometimes I talk when I feel like I need to get it out of my chest. 

I had told my dad yesterday that I won't be talking at school today. He asked why. Because I'm tired of being pushed around. Getting used. Put down and looked down on. Just because I smile when you joked about me doesn't mean I'm fine with it. Tho sometimes you think I'm okay if you only talk to me when your friend is not present or you guys are having a huge fight, doesn't mean it won't hurt when you stopped talking with me. I'm okay if you treated me as if I only exist when you are alone. But I'm human too. I have feelings that I won't show. 

I never cried in front of my family, until the age of 13. Which right now I am 15. I don't know why. But I started thinking that oneday they won't be able to know what I truly feel for them. I'm scared if they were to leave me early, or the other way around, me leaving them. It was easy to cry because of a story, but when it comes to real tears it's hard. I had always hide my feelings from my family since I am afraid they will think I'm weak. When my siblings cried, I didn't. I laughed at them, I laughed with tears in my ears but not down my cheeks. 

I don't know why I am writing this. But for sure I need to get this out of my heart and mind. I am planning not to walk with the boy anymore. But that also meant I'll have to face the stray dogs by myself, and whoa I'm not ready for that. But sacrifice have to be made. Yes I may seem friendly and happy go lucky here, which I really am. But I don't trust my friends. Your friends are your closest enemies.