In this world, we have what we call "the five stages of grief " model by Elisabeth Kübler Ross.

Right now, with only less than a day before The Lost Planet concert, I am grieving.

And I'm still in the first stage.

Denial.

Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.

While most fans have been moving on and following SM and EXO's example— I am a little to late to react on my emotions. Call me delusional— call me a hopeless optimist. But I cannot deny that what I'm feeling right now is pure denial.

I haven't really evaluated my views and opinion on the whole Kris issue and I think that's why I am being like this. 

It's ing ty, if you ask me.

I keep thinking that, this is all just a big stunt that has been carefully stringed by the marketing and PR departments of SM entertainment. And right now I am very willing to accept that this is all just a government distaction method to keep the recent ferry incident under wraps.

I am so close— so ing close, to hanging myself.

Methaporically, of course.

I just looked at the official goods list for the concert and I just can't handle all the feelings that I've had since May 15. I only see eleven pictures and for every product there is only eleven names listed. 

I can't believe this is really happening.

I told myself that I should wait until the actual concert finishes until I make any conclusions but I just can't help myself. For the first three days, while evryone else was going on hiatus because they could not take the news properly, I was busying myself looking for all the news related to that. And I was busy reading and commenting on people's blogs about the issue. I discussed some rumors with other members of the EXO fandom. And I changed my profile picture just because I felt like it. 

In short, I was torturing myself.

You see, I never really expected myself to feel this way about a person that I have never really met. And I have often told myself, time and time again, that I shouldn't even think about feeling this way because it's so ing ridiculous. 

But here I am. 

And with all these ed up emotions I have been constantly telling myself that I should keep my head screwed on and try to look at it in a bright way.

Unfortunately, I am a freakish little who does not wish to do so.

In the light of the situation, I have found myself confused, worried, and frustrated althroughout the chaos. I understand that he may have Myocarditis (no follow ups about this have been made) and that this decision seems like a planned one and not a brash one. 

Yet it is also in my understanding that the lawsuit he filed did not really require him to NOT RETURN TO THE LAND OF KPOP— but it was of his own will.

Which makes me feel like Kris Wu is the biggest douchebag of the century.

I am not hating on our duizhang. I am just saying that the timing could not have been more tier than this. I understand Zitao's and Suho's sentiments. The statements made by the remaining members showed clear hurt and betrayal laced in between their lines. 

And that looks as if they are experiencing a mix of the second and last stages of the model.

Anger and Acceptance.

Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. n this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. 

Now I'm no psychology major, but I can see that they are jumping back and forth between these two stages. One, this has been their dream. And they have all individually and collectively worked their asses off for it. And their educational, recreational, and personal lives have to be on hold for this. And all the they have been through together just made it clear that their anger towards Kris' unprecedented actions are very justifiable. With or without the health issues.

They are angry. Just not aggressively angry. More like, angry in an innate way (enough for it to be a bit aggressive ).

I would be angry too, if my friend and leader walked out on me without saying anything and then goes boom! "here's a lawsuit and I'm being an ungrateful yet reasonable face rightnow". Leaving the rest of us here to do MORE work which should have been UNECESSARY because he went awol.

i think I'd be quite ferocious.

And secondly, the signs they have been showing off by constantly saying "ELEVEN" and by carrying on as they were without Kris shows that somehow they have started to accept that this is a very possible future that they have to face and that they wont be seeing him for a while.

I really hope Kris is not going through the fourth stage. Though it is very likely that he is.

Depression.

Depression.

 Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.

I think that's why he's not contacting SM. Or as far as we can tell.

I know what depression feels like. And I don't wanna feel that again. But slowly, as I think about all these things, I am starting to draw myself closer snd closer to depression.  

That is why I don't wanna associate myself with the world of kpop anymore. It does thing to ya. And it's really intimidating and scary. If you think about it— kpop fandoms are stronger and more ferocious than others. Though not as influential. Just more passionate. And that really terrifies me.Honestly, it really does.

The power that the kpop world holds is immense. 

Especially the EXO fandom. It is young therefore it has many faults. 

The only thing for sure is that right now, most of the members of the EXO fandom are going through stage three of the grief model. 

Bargaining.

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. 

We are all making lewd promises in the air to give us our silly duizhang back just in time for the concert. And for exo to be 12 forever. We are all bargaining inside.

I think Elisabeth did a spot on job of making this model. I certainly know where I am. I can keep track of everything without going cuckoo (haven't I already?). 

All I can do is livestream tomorrow and just hope that Kris Wu the dragon graciously falls from the sky to join his brothers in a sick- dance routine (maybe...).

oh, and dance to a So Nyeo Shi Dae song (reports saying that they are rehearsing snsd songs came out today)

ps: all meaning for the stages of grief have been taken loosely from Wikipedia so don't report my blog if you think blah blah blah whoever does that

this is my only way of coping.

so please let me be.