Annyeong chingu-ah! :3

Well, like what the title says, this is just another rant about things I've bee feeling recently.

Don't worry, its not about Kris.

Ahhh, I decided to write this down because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who goes through this. In fact MOST fangirls goes through this. It's a really upsetting feeling. 

For the past few days I've been under some sort of blanket of anger and depression. I don't know if it's really depression though, I never knew what real depression is like. Or maybe I do....?

Well, what happens to me is that I get really upset and cry easily for little things. I know exactly why, but I can't help myself with it. It's like I'm really hopeless and helpless in many ways. 

I have dreams. Goals. Life achievements.

But it looks as if none of them are going to happen. They look so far away. They say a journey of a million miles begin with a single step. But- ... I haven't even started my first step yet. Seeing that I'm already 18, I should be doing something. But no. I can't. Why?

Why? Cause I'm helpless. 

My... /sigh/ my family doesn't really... well.. understand. I guess it's not their fault seeing that I'm the ONLY person in the house with crazy dreams. Everyone here tends to want to be a lawyer, or doctor, or engineer... But I tell them I want to be a singer, and they're like.. 'Get a degree.'

I know, I know. I WILL get a degree. I'm their daughter, of course I want a degree for my own good. But hey, It's not just being a singer that I want. I want to be an idol. A kpop idol in fact. 

Don't judge me please. It's my sincere dream. Kpop inspired me so much, and I want to be just like them. I want to inspire fangirls too. It's really a great thing and it means a lot to me.

But thats the problem. If I want to be a kpop idol, I have to be at least 19 years old to audition. They wont be taking new trainees who are already 25, and train them till their 32. -o-'

I tell this to my parents and they tell me to forget being a kpop idol. I might as well be a singer in America, where there are so much more popularity. I understand, being an English singer is cool. But Kpop is a whole different thing. Its special. Its unique. Its what I want.

And anyway, if I don't manage to get into a kpop company by the time I'm 20, I might as well start focusing on American music then. But let me try my chances in pop first. At least, let me TRY. :(

I want to sing with my biases. I want to be their friends. I want to go on stage and hear them cheer for me. :') 

I want to be that idol who everyone looks up to. I want to go for variety shows and games. I want to star on running man. I want to live in the dorm and go for practices with tight schedules. I want to know how it feels to be so tired but having to perform for some concert anyway. I want to feel the hardships my own biases have gone through, and succeed anyway.

It sounds crazy.. But that's really what I want. I will sacrifice my own time and health and rest for the life of an idol. 

But it's hard.

I'm 18. I only have one more year. Once 2015 is over, there goes my kpop dream. :(

I just wish I had more support. My mum takes things so easy and she keeps telling me to be patient. I tell her I want a job so that I can buy my own things and help her save money. She refuses and says that she has no time to help me get a job.

I tell my dad that I want to go for a dance class, he tells me that I must wait till I'm done with my driving classes.

LIKE COME ON. I don't have time! How much longer do you want me to wait? I've been waiting my whole life inside the jungle(countryside) I grew up in. Now we've finally moved to the city and you still want me to wait? :( my age isn't getting any younger you know. 

It's like they're secretly hoping that I will never get my chances and they purposely make me wait till I'm too old. Then they can tell me to give up my dreams and become some dentist or engineer or something. 

I cry to my mum every time we talk about my dreams. It's only because I'm really upset about how hard it is. I tell her how sad I feel. But you know what? She tells me that I cry too much, and now she doesn't feel bad for me anymore. I don't get it. She never felt bad for me. 

I can't stand my life sometimes. It's really frustrating. :(

Sorry bout this rant, guys.

I just needed to let out my feelings somewhere. I didn't want to do it in Facebook cause everyone there literally knows me. And if I talk about this to my mum again, she's gonna end up making me feel worse. 

AFF is the only place where I can anonymously rant about things and have people who understands these kinds of problems.

Like I said before, I'm pretty sure most fangirls have the same problem. :3

Thanks for ignoring the 'ignore' title and reading this whole anyway. Lol. Hearts to you my friend! <333