Honestly, I just don't know what to think or what to feel.

Firstly, I was okay with Kris leaving SM because I have always been worrying about them. I've always been worrying about EXO, about the unreasonable amount of work they get and about how cruel the entertainment world is and how it affects them.

I watched them through the monitor screens and I kept on praying that they'll never give up, I can never know how hard and cruel and heartless the entertainment industry is but I always wished that they will be okay, that through their ups and downs, the members will support each other, divide their sadness into 12 and happiness into 12.

Like Sehun said, he always pray for the members every night, and so does me.

So when Yifan decided to file a lawsuit to nullify his contract, I was a bit relieved because, I know Yifan knows what's best for him and if he really leaves SM, think of the amount of freedom he'll get. He can be himself again and not the person we all (or SM, or the world) wants to see on camera, he gets to say the words he wants to say, not the words that are scripted to please others, like us fans.

So I was okay, I was sad, but I only want the best for him.

 

And then, came the ambiguous posts and we didn't even know if it were really posted by SM staffs, or the members himself. Tao gave up on him, Joonmyeon gave up on him and the other gave up on him. Baekhyun was my source of light back then, because I really thought SM was holding their phones and Baekhyun was really hiding his phone.

I saw it as an act of rebellion, an act that shouted, "You can't break our bonds!"

Yet the more I scroll down the tweets, the more I saw people giving up and the more I saw people giving realistic theories about whether Yifan is coming back or not.

 

He doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

EXO doesnt deserve to be treated like this.

They are talented and don't you even dare say that neither Kris nor Sehun have talent because you don't even know how it feels like to be them. Saying that one has no talent is one of the cruelest thing you can say to an idol.

They deserve to be treated with respect and fondness and care and I'm not saying this just becaue I'm a fan, but because they're also human. They are us, there's no difference between idols and us, we both eat the same rice and breathe the same air and share dreams, like us do. Yet SM continues to treat them like crap and I'm really pissed about it.

 

If Yifan wants to leave, I want to see him leave with a smile on his face. Not a happy smile because I never think 'goodbye' as something happy, there must be a tinge of sadness in there. Nevertheless, I want to see him leave with a sincere smile, with a group hug, with warm words and the other members will tell him to take care, that even though they are separated, EXO is still 12 and they are still 1 in their hearts and maybe they'll still be in contact with each other.

 

Yet seeing these indirect posts really kills me. I never want to see them break, I never want to see that bond break. I just want them to sit down and talk things out, listen to each other and hugs each other and maybe says, "I'm sorry because I never told you guys." or "I'm sorry I gave up on you." that is my only wish.

 

Right now, I don't even care what's right and what's wrong. I don't care if it turns out Yifan was wrong and those posts really came from the real Tao after all, or vice versa. The only thing that I care now is their friendship, their bond and how they are going to cope with this because I know if Yifan leaves like this, there'll be a big hole in the other members' chests that can never be filled and will always be opened. Especially Tao, Joonmyeon and Sehun.

If this is the end, Tao will surely feel hurt, because Yifan is one of the person he looks up to, right? And Joonmyeon, imagine how much pressure he feels seeing his friends, his brother, his family breaks right in front of him? And Sehun, I know he treasures every EXO members so much, I always have the feeling that he's the one who loves the members the most, so imagine how it feels like to see one of his family going away?

 

One of the worst feeling in life is losing a friend and never get the chance to sort it out before he goes away, seeing your most treasured family, brothers, breaking down in front of you, while you are the leader and you're supposed to hold them together, reassure them and guard them through the storm, and then, seeing the one thing you cherished the most breaks, the one thing that you care so much that you put it in your prayers every night.

 

I've been crying for the past few days and it kills me because none of my friends understand how it feels like. It feels like I'm carrying this sadness alone and I can't even talk to anybody who'll just listen while I cried.

Yifan is not even my top bias, but he's the first EXO member I know, even before EXO themselves. He's the first one I recognize and there's already a special space in my heart that's solely reserved for him (lol, there are other spaces for other members but you get what I mean) and seeing him suffering like this really kills me and I don't even care if you call me delusional or stupid or ridiculous because we all have things we cherish and EXO is one of them, for me.

 

So to all the Yifan stans out there, I can never know or understand how painful it feels like to be in your position. I know things are bleak, but please don't give up on him. Don't give up on him, don't give up on EXO. Many are speculating that it'll end as OT11, but hey, miracles do happen and I'm not being delusional or whatsoever, but you know, there's a part of me that's still hoping that it'll always end as OT12.

Don't give up on your bias, don't give up on Kris, don't give up on EXO. We don't know what the truth and like 'Tao' or Tao said, "Only the ones who are really experiencing it really knows how it feels." so please stay strong, everything will get better in the end.

After all, we want the best for our Wu Yifan, right?