Pardon me while I go ranting about dance and family issues. I asked for money for the fees that we have to pay to stay in the team. My father asked me to get the money from my mother, claiming that "she started it" so she must pay for it till the end. My mother asked me to get the money from my father, because "he's the man and he took the rent of our shared building" so he is supposed to pay.

As much as I know these concerns and think that they are "legit", I know that it will end up with them ing about each other so I hardly ask for money anymore. But not today. I can't pay for the dance fees. I keep some stash and hide it, paying for some programmes/competitions that the school wants me to go to, or use it to buy dance apparel. But not today, hip hop apparel is expensive, too expensive for me.

Which is the reason why I go job-hunting, but I don't know anymore. The thing with my senior is haunting me, and I should probably tell my parents, and I should take a break from dance because everytime I go for dance lessons, it haunts me. Her face, still so vivid.

I still want to go to the pre-professional programme. How am I going to tell them? Tell them that I want to work to pay for the programme because it is about the career I will take in the future, it is about me. Tell them that I want to work because I cannot stand the ing just because of money. Tell them that I want to work because it's all for dance. Even though I don't feel anything, I still want to learn choreography, I still want to feel. There is a performance coming up and I will be performing, it's the chance that I have always wanted. I can't let it slip again.

I should tell my parents about the vomiting as well. It just baffles me that I can't tell them anything which is probably normal. Willy and his sons in Death of a Salesman can't communicate after they are all grown up and find out that his father is still thinking about the old times, still having the beliefs that Biff will be successful and earn lots of money. Though that never happened in the play and Willy died for the cause. Willy is really stubborn.

And I should probably tell my parents, I should. It will come out one day. I have to.