Title: (4 points)

As the title is the first impression of the story itself, it caught my eye since it caused me to wonder, “What did this person not do?” It definitely relates to the story, and while I was reading it, I realized you based it off of the “But You Didn’t” poem (which makes me happy because I love that poem). The relation to the story definitely contributes to the higher score; it fits the story amazingly well. The only thing I didn’t like was that it wasn’t really original since there is a lot of stories about this poem. (Maybe you could’ve thought of a different title to make your version a little more special?)

Description/Foreword: (7 points)

I feel like in both your description and foreword you gave away too much information. You didn’t really allow me to have much imagination about what the one-shot was going to be about since as soon as I read: “You told me you’re coming back home, but you didn’t,” I knew that one of the main characters was probably going to die. I suggest you tone down the information a bit and I don’t think the part: “A story of a clumsy, dorky guy named Tao…,” and the four sentences thereafter need to be there. I also suggest moving the information about it being a contest entry above the credentials at the bottom of the foreword.

Plot/Originality: (17 points)

The plot was cute, but I feel like you didn’t put enough of your own flair into this story since you based it off of the “But You Didn’t” poem. Don’t get me wrong, you did have some of your own creativity in there, but I feel you still could have made the story more original. The beginning was a good start; it wasn’t too boring and it also showed a bit of Tao’s and Rhen’s friendship. I feel like their interactions were really endearing throughout the whole story and it really set the mood. The ending was so sweet, I honestly think I was smiling like an idiot when I read it. I only have one complaint: When Rhen died, I wasn’t all too surprised. I feel like the way Rhen died would have been an unexpected plot twist for people who haven’t read the poem if you toned down the description/foreword.

Characterization: (17 points)

Your characterization was a bit too straightforward in my opinion, especially in the foreword with the explanation of Tao’s character. I feel like you could’ve put more thought into how you characterized both Tao and Rhen even though it is only a one-shot. It would’ve been it more interesting if you added more depth to them minus the straightforwardness.

Flow: (17 points)

I felt like the story was a bit choppy through transitions since it was explaining different events that happened between Tao and Rhen, which is perfectly fine, but I feel it would’ve been a lot neater if there was more writing that focused on Tao’s thoughts. The story felt a little too quick because of the way you structured it, but I suppose that’s fine since the poem it is based off of doesn’t give much room for change (since it’s structured with event after event) anyway.

Writing Conventions: (9.5 points)

I’m sure your beta friend will be able to go over them for you, so I’m just going to state some obvious grammar mistakes I spotted throughout the story for your friend to look out for. The quality of this story was definitely surprising seeing that your first language isn’t English; I was able to follow it enough to understand it. The main problem I noticed was with your tenses, which I would expect from someone who isn’t a native speaker. You also have trouble with your basic prepositions; they’re misused often and it causes me to have to reread to ensure I’ve grasped the concept of an idea. After dialogue that explains the manner in which a character is speaking, you made the mistake of ending the dialogue with a period when it should be a comma (this rule does not apply to dialogue that ends with exclamation points or question marks).

Ex. Original Sentence: “Tao, wake up.” She softly whispered to him.

Revised Sentence: “Tao, wake up,” she softly whispered to him.

The last main mistake I noticed was that you had a few run-ons since you forgot to place commas/semicolons. Overall, it made sense to me; and not to insult anyone, but a lot of people on AFF are non-native English speakers so they would have no trouble understanding this story. (*Note: The quote: “You told me you’re coming back home, but you didn’t,” has a grammar mistake. It should be: “You told me you were coming back home, but you didn’t.”)

Enjoyment: (4.5 points)

Honestly, the way you stretched this story out was interesting and I enjoyed reading it! I liked the way you managed to make it your own since you didn’t quite use all the ideas from the poem and also added a bit of your creativity. 

Total: 76 points