Title: The Imposter

Author: littlemissgappyify

Characters: Moon Chae Won, Park Shi Hoo, Song Joongki

Genre: Angst, Suspense, Mystery

Rated: Some chapters

Type: Straight

 

Title: 5/5

I loved the title and how it fits the story is just amazing. I couldn't have thought about a better name myself.

Poster: 0/0

I like the mood that the background and poster have set up. Unfortunately, I can't give you points for the poster, since it wasn't made by you.

Plot: 10/10

It was as if I was watching a very good Korean drama and don't get me wrong, I am a Kdrama addict. I liked the plot and how you thought out of the borders. The plot twist was the best one I have ever seen!

Foreword: 10/10

Seriously, is this a scenario for a drama? The character introduction was something else, this is the first time I see a introduction and see quotes, instead of plain information that could be easily inserted in the actual chapters. One thing bothered me though - Dr. Song looks super young. I don't know how I would go to a surgery performed by him xD

As I was rereading the foreword, now after I have read the whole story, I am just amazed by what may have been happening onwards. Since this is a crucial moment, you should really memorize your foreword and go by it, because a single step in the other direction may turn the story to a 180 degree turn. Always read your last chapter and after that foreword before writing the new one, so you would know what to do ;)

The quotes give the perfect amount of information needed for the reviewer and if looked carefully, may even predict the second of the story.

Characters: 9.5/10

The drastic change in Shi Hoo made my heart flutter.

You managed to keep up every character and even though Joonki was barely there, in the first chapters, you succeeded in creating the conflict between everyone.

Now what I didn't like was that Chae Won didn't show as much sadness and confusion as a person without memories would have. Waking up, without memories, no one as your friend and on top of all, not having to see your face that in the mean time hurts and itches like hell is the worst thing for a person. I think that you had to put a LOT of emotion there, because Just didn't feel it by a simple read.

 She accepted her old life and even decided to go by her father's will, even though she could simply walk away.

Because, if she doesn't marry Shi Hoo and her father disowns her, well, will she be losing much? I am pretty sure that they will bankrupt and even if he doesn't disown her, she will not get anything that is valuable when this old and grumpy, not to mention evil, man die.

Details: 10/10

If there is a story that contains information in the actual chapters, without being too little or too much, then this is it. I just loved every bit of your details, making me want to read more and more. You did an excellent job in this.

Grammar: 6/10

This is where you didn't do so well.

You mix tenses and don't use the forms of the verbs properly, which can cause a big confusion. I advise you to edit every chapter, with the appropriate forms and grammar, since at times, I found it really difficult to read and understand.

You also repeat the words:

"Yes, Dr. Song", "Thank you Dr. Song" and something else with Dr. Song, which was all in one speech. Don't repeat words like this, because it ruins the mood.

I found other examples while reading, but don't really remember from which chapters. Just stay away from repeating.

You have a good dictionary, but your tenses need fixing.

Also, stick to one tense in at least a paragraph.

Mood 20/20

This is one of the best stories I have read. Your idea, way of writing and expressing moments and feeling is remarkable, making the story easy to read. Even though it is a forty and on chaptered story, you created a balance between the contents and length. Great job and I hope to see you on the first page one day, if possible sooner.

This story deserves way more readers than it has now.

Overall Score: 70.5/75

And you got FEATURED with the brilliant score of 94%

You can see the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

-------------------------------------

 

Title: What about Love?!

 

Author: kimdaniella

 

Characters: OC, Lee Donghae, Kris

 

Genre: Angst,Romance, Drama

 

Type: Straight

 

 

 

 

 

Title : 2/5

First of all , let's talk about your title.  The title is clichè and overly-used.  I've seen a range of stories in AFF with the same title as yours. Though,your story may be related to the story but I know this is not the best one you can pull off, rack your mind up for some hidden meanings.  Putting '?!' in your title is not a really smart move. It sort of give a moody impression. We don't want that. Why? Mood and mood repels meanwhile moody and neutral attracts. It's like magnets. A title should hide a meaning of a story and at the same time neutral. Neutral? I meant neutral by not putting in much emotions in it. Like, monotone. You could always take something like 'A Ghost of Love' (since your story mentioned about itor something like that right? 

Poster : (Not graded)

 

Plot : 3/10

 

The plot is quite unrealistic.  Unrealistic since you had missed a lot of holes for the plot & the characters which I'm going to discuss about further below.  The story flow is a bit rushed up and too quick, which you had left some details behind.  Do you think a girl would just accept a man to be inside of her when she was traumatized? It feels rushed up on how easily she accepts him to be inside of her. Take things slowy, lady. There should be a struggle of feelings inside her. Don't you find it unrealistic that a handsome guy like Donghae just suddenly appeared in your life and love you for all your life and another one Kris too. Lets not talk about the matter of looks but dude , its so awkward to even order in McDonalds, what more interferring with a person past. He could of course be in her life but it took time which I dont think I can find time in your fast pace story. How does Kris and her even met when they do not work or go to school or whatever? Please do pay attention on that instead of just the events. Also, I find your plot bit predictable and overly-used. This plot of revenge , recovery etc. is used by lots of stories and dramas.  So i can't really sense much originality from here.

 

Foreword : 4/10

 

It's a smart move that you had included a quote from one of your story's dialog. I have to admit that putting a character chart is a nice thing BUT you drop hints in yours. Don't mention of what's going to happen throughout the story like he fell in love with her blah blah. It's going to make the story predictable. Okay?

 

Characters : 3/10

 

Your characters aren't fully developed. Don't focus too much in the dialogs.  What about the looks? How do they look like?  We're talking about the Lee Donghae of your story not SJ, make sure to make your own impression of the character.  Also, your story. Minyoung seems to be a bit moody. one second she's sad and another she's teasing. Put yourself in the shoes of your characters. How do they really feel? Can they really crack a tease up during their sad times?

 

Details : 2/10 

You missed handful of details. Slow done your boat and enjoy the ride. The scenery. What does the room looks like? Is it cold? Is the man cool? What's the expression he's wearing? Let your imagination flows. You're focusing too much on the dialogs and missed the greatest sceneries of their lives. It's not going to be a solid foundation if you missed the details out, really. You dont need to really explain everything but do explain what's really needed to be explained. Like, the room. Each of our room is different right? Thats something you ought to describe but a toilet? You don't have to. Every toilet practically looks the same right? I'm sure all of us will have similar impressions to that.

 

Grammar : 4/10

 

Your story has lots of typos which I need you to go over it and revise the typo mistakes.  Your choice of word isn't really that ambitious but it's okay enough. I noticed that you had mistook the idea of that, this, who & what. You don't ask who's the problem unless you're asking for the person and you don't use what's the problem unless you're asking for the thing that have caused it. You don't use that's my house but you use this is my house. I would not use cute for the smell of coffee. I'll skip cute out unless I am talking about flowers or perfumes.  So mind the choice of words too alright?

 

 

 

Total: 15/55

 

Overall Feelings : 

 

So now that we done our review session, let me say a couple of things first.  Firstly, I would like to apologize if you find me harsh or naggy as I wrote my review about your story since I basically just wrote things in the eyes and the point of view of a reader.  Secondly, stick to your plot for the whole story , but remember to fill in the holes alright? Details are your weapon, remember. Keep your heads up and never stop writing! If you're having a writer's block , I have to suggest you to find a playlist of songs that could inspire you on any sites you prefer.   Last but not least, I would love to say thank you on behalf of every staff here and me myself for choosing this shop! I hope we would see you again next time ;) Have a nice day and keep up the good work :))

 

 

 

 

 

brxkenfaeries

 

-----------------------------

Title: Your Only Lie

Author: Kimdaniella

Characters: Donghae, You, Park Jin Young (Jr.)

Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama

Type: Straight

 

Title 4/5

I have mixed feelings; do I like it? Or not? It sound cool and attractive but it's making me furrow my brows. On the other hand, if I was a reader, I may have clicked on the story, just because of your title. But I can't say that I would chose a title like this. Also, you should write every word with a capital letter. It looks neater in that way.

Poster: 10/10

THAT POSTER THO! xD

I loved the poster and the background. Possibly one of the best posters I have seen. The background was perfectly done and even though it is red, it doesn't hurt my eyes, since it's not a clear color, but different shades of it. In the flower business we had a rule: Newer mix hot red with bordeaux. Now I know that this rule is only for certain times and cannot be generalized.

Plot: 10/10

Perfect: Amnesia and drugs. Just perfect. You chose a good plot which is attractive and would keep the reader's attention.

Foreword: 8/10

Perfect design! But please switch the trailers and information about the story with the description of the story. The text should come first, after this the trailer and lastly, the information. Otherwise, this will disrupt the reader in the time when he is most concentrating on reading the plot. Also, the actual foreword made me confused; It made me feel that there was something odd in it, without actually giving me a reason why. You used some weird phrases and your style of writing was strange. I will get to it on the Details and Grammar section.

Characters: 8/10

You actually kept their feelings and actions so that's a good thing.

I found Donghae strange at first and he made me feel odd.

Maybe you could add al little more details in how they feel?

Details: 7/10

Sometimes your speech is too long. You can easily split it with little pauses, in which you can describe what the characters are doing.

Random made up E.g:

"Do you know what I felt?" He stared at her as she snapped at him. Her long eyelashes were holding in the tears that were desperately trying to spill. He found himself fascinated in how a person could be so beautiful even if he was on the edge of a breakdown. "I felt regret." She cried out, feeling as the hair on her neck rose, leaving her with an unpleasant feeling of anxiety. Was there something bad going to happen? Why was she afraid? Why now? "I regretted of loving you." Gulping, she locked gazes with him and after what it felt an eternity, she shook her head. "You betrayed me as I gave you my heart."

One speech, three sentences, a whole paragraph of description. Try to aim for this.

Watch out for your phrases. I've never had heard in my life for a "little bit of devil in his eyes." I suggest you check the phrases on google and found the most suitable for the moment. Sometimes when we try to create phrases our selves, they sound and look strange.

By adding more details, your stories will be longer and less difficult to understand.

Grammar: 5/10

Your grammar is not the best, but definitely not the worst.

Try to watch out for which tense you should use and also, check your words.

There is a difference between scarred (scar-traumatized) and scared(scare-frightened); I am pretty sure that scared was the best option in some of the chapters, but I think that you misspelled it. Sometimes misspelling causes new words and new meanings.

"Scared isn't a good excuse. Scared is the excuse everyone has always used." -Chapter 11

No, no and no. "Being scared isn't an (a good) excuse. It has been used by everyone, always. It's not an excuse at all." Add emotion + use the right grammar.

Scared states for a condition of a living being. When used in your case, it should be combined with being, since the person IS scared and continues to be scared.

I am scared /I am acting scared. <= Present continuous tense.

Having a good grammar is really important, since you can cause difficulties in a reader when reading. It was hard for me to read through your story, let alone, to look for mistakes.

Mood: 13/20

 I had difficulties at first in understanding the plot and was extremely confused in the beginning of chapter one. You have a good plot and perfect design. You just need to work a bit in improving your grammar and details.

Overall score: 65/85 => 76.5%

This story has potential and as I wrote, it will get even better if you work a little bit on it. I was amazed by the design as well.

You said it was a kind of a true story? I saw it just now in your request. It's tricky to write about things based on real life events. I wish you luck with the story!

Thank you for requesting and please don't forget to comment after seeing the review + giving us a credit on the foreword of your story.

You can see the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

---------------------------------------

Title: Dark Horse
Author: Taodaypanda
Characters: Kris, Tao
Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Medieval Times!AU
Type:  

Title 4/5
I honestly never heard of this title. Admittedly, I gave it a good stare before I realized that I was at the right story. (I'm such a failure sometime. OTL) But I like it! It's interesting! Like one of those fables~ ♥

Poster: 11/10
(Is extra credit allowed? I don't know - I'll let boss lecture me later.)

Like-- LOOK AT THAT POSTER! /CRIES. I think I'm on something, but seriously! I love it! I love it! I LOVE IT! (I want to steal it….) It really goes with the aura of your theme/story.

Plot: 10/10
Let me start of by saying that I almost cried. (I commented before reviewing. c:) I ALMOST CRIED. It was perfect to me, because I always loved story lines like these and it's so rare to find nowadays - unless I write my own. Doubt I will, but that's beside the point. I really loved this one and I give it five stars.

Foreword: 10/10
I had to go back to read the foreword/description and I'm really blown away, to be honest. I have no words honestly.
(+ Thanks for the definition. I almost looked like a fool trying to figure out what dark horse meant.)

Characters: 10/10
Normally I always look at characterization second to plots. The way you described Kris the peasant/swine and King Tao was refreshing. I honestly thought - first-handedly, that is - Kris would be the king and Tao in the lower class. What a new way to surprise me. I adore Kris' character. He reminds me of myself: Willing to sacrifice for love and determined for what he wants and does whatever obstacles to obtain it. In his case, it's Tao's love and would even die just to have a glimpse of it. (Now that I actually think of it, they remind me of Christian and Satine from Moulin Rouge! (2001). Ever heard of it? If not, it's a great movie.)

Details: 9/10
There's that subtle yet effective detailed method that you use - I've used it myself, so it was familiar to see - and that's particularly beautiful. And the way your details flowed was amazing as well. The reason a point is off is because I would've loved to see just a tiny bit more. But that's me.

Grammar: 9/10
There's a reason why one point was knocked down: There was extremely few grammar and spelling errors most is capitalization. I believe you forgotten to add a few commas to come sentences, it could be from doing it in one go and forgetting to proofread, but other than that…. I saw no issues.

Mood: 20/20
I have no words on what you did to me and my mood. This literally moved me.

Overall score: 83/85 => 97.6% (That's approximately 98%.)

You killed me with this story. I want to cry and love you forever. And this is the first - and only - time this has ever happened in my fourteen years as a writer/reader and three years as a reviewer…but…

I personally am placing this story into my hall of fame next to The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen. You ought to feel proud of yourself. /air hugs. I wish you smiles and happiness into your future writings and/or updates. I hope you found this extremely helpful!

 

solitariness

Just a note from Kate_Sunshine*

Aw hun, you got an amazing review! I am again sorry for keeping you waiting for so long -.- As you see, we have a new reviewer and I hope that you find her review helpful. I can't agree more myself. She just forgot to say that... You are FEATURED? Great job!

Please comment after you see the review and credit the reviewer and the shop ^^

See the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

-----------------------------

Title: possessed

Author: katyaloveya

Characters: Kidoh, Xero, B-joo, Hansol, Nakta, Jenissi, A-tom, Seogoong, Hojoon, OC's

Genre: Horror, Angst

Rated: Violence

Type: Straight

 

Title: 4.5/5

Only one thing: Please, write your title with a capital letter. It looks better :) Does it suit the story? Oh yeah, it does!  Would I click on the story, only because of the title? Definitely.

Poster: 10/10

This is the poster, THE poster. I loved it. It's perfectly done and even though, if I was you, I would have done it with a stronger contrast, in order to find the overly dramatic look, I still think you did a perfect job.

Why not making Xero's eye icy blue, like the girl? It will show that he is possessed.

Plot: 10/10

What can I say? You got me just by the foreword.

Foreword: 8/10

This is a horror story. Try something weird and creepy, play with colors and add a background. For me, if I get affected by a story, 50 percent is caused because of the mood that the story gives to my eyes and not mind. Even just by adding a picture of a haunted house or something like that.

Some people might not want to read the first part, since they may be lazy or something.  I haven't read the first part and I can tell you that no, I don't know how will Baekhyun appear as, I have no idea. Maybe you should skip the part when you announce a cameo? Don't you want to surprise the readers?

Characters: 7/10

Maybe because of the lack in details or because the story was short. Or maybe because they kind of died fast,  but I didn't exactly feel something for the characters.

Details: 7/10

Not the most detailed story I have read. Details are a main factor in the impact of a story and if not used well, it might ruin the mood. Your chapters are short and somehow left me unsatisfied. I didn't feel something special. Too much speech, but not enough details.

Grammar: 7/10

You shouldn't write speech with capital letters as it makes the reader feel uncomfortable. As I said, details can replace the capital letters in a smoother and in the same time terrific way making the reader's hair on his neck rise.

You shouldn't really use present simple. It is a tricky thing and even I can't pull it off. I advise you to change your tense. It will be easier in that way, + it will prevent you from making mistakes/confusing the tense.

Mood: 13/20

When I saw horror, I thought that it would make me feel uneasy at the end of each chapter, but in the mean time,  making me want more. Your story did nothing like that as I continued to read, only because I had to review it later. You had so many POV changes that it made me confused to the point that I had to reread the whole paragraph. I advise you to write in third person, from where you can operate every character's feelings and actions, without confusing the reader. It is always better like that, not to mention easier.

Overall score: 66.5/85 => 78.2 %

This story has a great potential and if you worked on the grammar and details, I am sure that it will be a killer, literally.  But first, add a capital letter to your title and choose a background. Good luck and thank you for requesting!

Please don't forget to comment in the shop, so that we know that you have seen the review. Don't forget to give us a credit! ^^

See the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

------------------------------

Title: Meant To Be

Author: Katakatica

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Fantasy

Type: Straight

Rated: No

Title: 5/5

Actually, I like your title. It's eye catching and it tells me that the story will be a fluff, as pointed out in the tags.

Poster: 10/10

Who said that you need every single character in a poster? We aren't Les Miserables, people. The poster is bright, refreshing and pink. I don't think that I need to add something more, since people would say that I am biased. (LOL, true xD)

Plot: 10/10

I have never watched a movie or read a story with a plot like that and maybe that's why I think it's unique. I like fairies and you certainly lifted up my mood by adding them.

Foreword: 9/10

Just something that I didn't exactly like:

"Even if you followed your heart instead of traditions, it would bring you to him, no matter what."

Got confused at first.

Won't it be better like this:

"Even if you chose to follow your heart, instead traditions, you would have still be brought to him, no matter what."

You can always play with colors as well. Try pink, pink is a nice color.

Characters: 8/10

They are kind of in an early phase and maybe that's why I see the same thing. Maybe it's time to liven them up a little? Make them more human as well, since no one is perfect. I like how you included Maya's negative thinking about herself, but what about Luhan? Except for worrying for her figure being too skinny,  I think that he should be something different from the seriously prince charming.

But then again, they just met. They fell in love so fast, it was as if I was seriously watching a fairytale. I am still waiting for the plot twist and maybe that's why I am a little unsatisfied.

Details: 10/10

Well, you had me at the first scene, where Maya was frantically glancing to the mirror and back at the clock. I thought she was getting married or something. You did an excellent job in explaining everything, not to mention how you expressed how her friend reacted, when not chosen, judging by the people's words. Maybe that was the thing I liked the most: Not only the main characters are important.

Grammar: 10/10

Nothing to say about this, I found no mistakes.

Mood: 20/20

You got me giggling like crazy at their goofy behavior. I think that this story has a great start and deserves  to be continued.

Overall Score: 82/85 => 96.5%, which got you FEATURED

See the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

--------------------------------

 

 

 

SAME INDIFFERENCE

imma_wolf88

 

 

 

TITLE : (4/5)  

Well choosen title!  It's a pretty much an irony though I would love to ask about the usage of 'indifference' to the story, well I have to say that it qute didn't fit the story as you write more. Why?  You had mentioned in your foreword that indifference in your title means lack of difference right? Then, if they did lack differences then why do they have to go to all the troubles for the makeover or teach each other things about themselves right?  You made a plot with a purpose to show the contrast between 'em both so I do not think that 'indifference' would be a strong candidate for a good title. I do advise you to change, but if you do not wish to aim high then you could stick to this title as it's alright, since it's simple and creative in it's own way.

 

FOREWORD : (9/10) 

Nice foreword you got there.  There's pretty much nothing to revise on this part since basically you had done well in attracting readers in, but I had one tiny suggestion to make though. "They got the same father. face, mother etc." part, I do think that it's better if you remove it. Why? Readers could easily verify the fact that they're twins. If you like your readers to be surprised then I would suggest you to change that part and let the readers verify their suspicions as they read your story. That should be able to keep their motiviation to read your story up, right? But, well if you don't plan for them to be surprise, then it's alright. It's not a really huge problem, anyway. 

 

POSTER :  (9/10) 

Cute poster you got there , though the background's a bit plain but it's certainly cute,sweetheart!  I love how you organize Kai and Chaneyol's position in the story, especially Kai as he laughs while he's sitting. Great pose!  I thought it would be nicer if you put glasses to one of the girls or a complete different fashion style for one of the girls to show the contrast, but generally, CUTE is the word for this poster!

 

PLOT : (7/10) 

Though not really a huge number of people uses this plot, but well it's still somewhat a common plot. Well, of course I didnt mean that you have to go completely different. Oh, no that's not what I meant, my dear. I meant, it's advisable for you to inject your own thoughts and ideas to make your story's plot a bit different than the others.  Make the relationships (friends or lovers) more significant and different than the others.  The distance-realizes-my-love-for-you or the slowly-hate-turns-to-love relationships are a bit too overly-used eh? You could try to put in your own personal experiences to relate to your story's relationship. Then, the second thing would be the contrast going on between them.  The story would be too plain if you know, they're pretty much the same in terms of attitude. Well, I meant that you have to make one of them the bad girl but well of course a story always need the bad side and the good. I did expect that Haeyoung would be sort of the cold one and the spoiled one instead of being kind, since you know raising up in the mansion can really make one's chin raised up high.  It would be more interesting if you show the contrast of attitudes going on between them too more clearly, not just the way they think and say and looks. Then thirdly, you're going a bit too fast. Slow down your speed, sweetheart.  I felt like it's a bit rushed up on the part where they met and found out that they were twins and etc.  That takes time, supposingly. They can't just y'know directly go all i-love-you-twinnie. It's either going to be awkward at first or one of them can't accept the fact, they were separated for all their life and it's hard not to be awkward even if she's her own twin. Even, saying i love you to moms are pretty much awkward for most people.  The part where the exchaning of place plan left a big hole and the people surrounding them are a bit of unrealistic.  Why couldn't they just go to their mother together? Why do they need to go to all this fuss? How did they know that their parents wouldn't like it if they knew the twins have met up already? An adrenaline can seriously stop one's mind from thinking logically, my dear. Do you think she could think of this plan and the reactions of her parents when she's just so shocked and excited that her adrenaline sprouts higher than ever? You need to inject in more time, processes and explanations on this part alright?

 

CHARACTERS (7/10) 

I had mentioned earlier that your characters are a bit unrealistic right? Right. Well, the problem is that, I wouldn't be able to imagine Chanyeol as my classmate, could you? Of course you could. Because, you created Chaneyol in your story and you know Chanyeol just the way you imagined him to be. But, I don't . I imagined Chaneyol as the one on stage, being called "Nation's Good Teeth", but with description and details, you can make readers imagine Chaneyol. I want you to put in the details of what you have customize your characters as more vivid. Tell them exactly what makes your character different from the one on TV,  make them feel like someone we knew through your details.  Don't just say they look the same or he look cute. Look the same in what way? Expressions, you say? Okay. Expressions, but what about it that make it the same? The way their lips curled up? The way their eyes formed a cresent shape when they smile? Or the way their eyes shine when they talked?  I have told this to the authors I've reviewed a numerous times, use five of your senses.  Involve all of them throughout your story. Make your characters alive. Make them, I know you could.  We do not know how are the idols in offstage right? So, i am more than sure that we all have different imagination of what and how they should be .  Maybe I imagine Himchan as the cold guy while you imagined him as the motherly one.  Get that?  Make sure you can make Kai as Kai of Same Indifference and not Kai of EXO. You could, all you have to do is to drag in your bestfriend to help. Bestfriend? Yes, adjectives are your ultimate bestfriend in wirting, my friend. Make sure to use them well, they're a worth-of-a-gem friends.

 

DETAILS (7/10) 

You did included some details of the surroundngs, which I'm giving that points for, but what I would love you to bring out more of in your story is the thoughts and feelings and events. I had explained about the lack of details during the exchanging plan thingy right? You heard me once but not twice. So I'm going to headover the feelings and thoughts already okay? I don't mind if you wnat to reread that part again, just make sure to come back here to this part ;) Well then, I want you to play with the element of feelings and thoughts in this story more.  It's a weapon of yours.  Don't focus too much on dialogs. Put yourself in the shoes of your characters. What would you really feel if you're them? Type every feelings and thoughts you felt and heard. Treat this as a limited-word-diary. Of course, we do not want the details to be a paragraph long just to explain about why is she bluffing.  It's okay if you treat it like a diary, so it won't end up more of a biography and monotone.  But, make sure you can think in exactly two mindsets ; haeyoung and minyoung. Remember hat they both have a quite different mindset and way of thinking. Make sure , you won't get mix up between them two. If you did, then it would end up pretty bad as the contrast really went off right?  So, becareful on that part okay? Maybe, it's better if you get your co author to write one of the girl's POV and you,  another , that would work since everyone has their own mind and way of thinking right? But, well that's just a suggestion. 

 

GRAMMAR (9/10) 

CHAPTER TWO : a . "sank down on my chair" should be "sank down in my chair"   b. "it was only side view" should be "it was only the side view"

CHAPTER THREE : a. "got inside her car" should be "got in her car" b. "leaned back on her chair" should be "leaned back in her chair" c. "surrounding it at the middle" should be "in the middle" d. "coming up on a large.." should be "coming upon". e. "place them on the opposite" should be "at the opposite" f. "leaving for a flight at the.." should be "leaving for a flight on.." g. "she hasn't said" should be "hadn't said"

CHAPTER FOUR :  a. "the laughing stop" should be "the laughing stopped" b. "a lot of delicious foods" should be "a lot of delicious food"

CHAPTER SIX : a . "there was Sandeul.." should be "there were" b. "before the name of food" should be "before the name of the food" c. every and time should be separated with a space d. "a faint voice said in the other line" should be "on the other line"

CHAPTER SEVEN : a. "and pain went through my spine" should be "and the pain went through my spine" 

CHAPTER EIGHT : a. "and titled his head" should "tilted his head"

CHAPTER NINE : a. "nice chair on a pair of wheels" should be "with a pair of wheels" b. "oranges down at the trolley" should be "on the trolley" c.  "i'm at the market" should be "i'm in the market"  c. "i just blinked at her as i payed" should be "paid" d. "i must have been looking at them too obviously" should be "too obvious"

CHAPTER TEN : a. "hitting me right at the face" should be "hitting me right in the face"  b. "she specializes with this" should be "in this" b. "i saw some boys around turned to them" should be "some boys turned around" c. there's no hypen separating make and up , it's makeup d. "door's knob" should be "door knob" the knob is the knob and the door is the door. e. "But i wont him to speak" should be "but i wont let him speak"

CHAPTER ELEVEN : a.  "we aren't permitted develop" should be "we aren't permitted to develop"

Well you got no problem with your grammar, just minor mistakes with articles and prepositions; it's not really much either , just happens ocassionaly but not frequently, so it's alright, you're doing okay. Your punctuation was alright too and your choice of words are nice as you kept them all in the same level form chapt one till chapt eleven. But, I do advise you to bring your choice of word to a new level. Aim for more ambitious words, but again, it would't matter much if you do not because this is only a matter of whether you want to improve your skills or not and that's ultimately your choice. Well done, keep up the good word of the grammar! 

 

 

TOTAL : 52/65

So now that we done our review session, let me say a couple of things first.  Firstly, I would like to apologize if you find me harsh or naggy as I wrote my review about your story since I basically just wrote things in the eyes and the point of view of a reader.  Secondly, stick to your plot for the whole story , but remember to fill in the holes alright? Details are your weapon, remember. Keep your heads up and never stop writing! If you're having a writer's block , I have to suggest you to find a playlist of songs that could inspire you on any sites you prefer.   Last but not least, I would love to say thank you on behalf of every staff here and me myself for choosing this shop! I hope we would see you again next time ;) Have a nice day and keep up the good work :))

 

 REVIEWED BY BRXKENFAERIES 

 

CLICK FOR THE STORY HERE

 

 

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Title: A love from a blink of time

Author: Imma_WOLF88

Type: Straight

Genre: Romance

Characters: Kai, OC

Rated: No

Title: 4/5

A little long for my taste, but definitely eye catching. Would I advise you to change it into a similar, but shorter one? I would, but if you don't, it won't be the end of the world.

Poster: 10/10

Are you looking for a shop where you could help an extremely tired and LOVELY owner and her staff that are nonstop high on milk? Call me~ Kidding xD Unfortunately we are not yet hiring so yeah..

Back to the poster- Amazing. Did you fade Kai on purpose? if you did- you did well. I approve of this poster! xD

I love the background and the fact that it's brighter than the actual poster, creating a nice gradient.

Foreword: 9/10

Do you want a suggestion? Switch the places with the explanation of time travel and the actual foreword. This is the only thing.

Plot: 10/10

I am a er for time travel, ever since little, when I wanted to go back to the time when Elisa di Rivombrosa was taking place. Back then I thought that the actual actors were from there... later on I learned that every single bath scene was a lie, since people in that time had a shower only twice in their life - when they are born and when they get married. After this, the Korean kingdoms succeeded in getting my attention.

I don't care how many times I see a time travel plot, I will at least look at the foreword! There is nothing better that the real taboo love, ah...

Characters: 9/10

Kai is insanely clueless, Wu Fan is, well, y and the main in just herself. Okay, but you mentioned that she was poor as f- (sorry)? Describe it more.

Details: 9/10

It never hurts to have a little bit more detail. Just a little bit more.

Grammar: 9/10

Minor mistakes here and there, but check your foreword.

Would that one person choose to stay where he belongs? Or stay where his heart does? –I can’t tell you why right now, but I really don’t like how the last part is made. Normally it should be one sentence, not two.

Mood: 19/20

Perfect plot, perfect funny moments, a little too slow for my taste. I have nothing more to say J

Overall Score: 79/85 => 92%

You got FEATURED!

Good job. As you know, I read only to the tenth chapter, since, well, rules. I am sorry for holding up your review, but I wasn’t actually myself the past few days J

 

See the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

---------------------------

 

(Reviewed by Lovebisous)

Title: After Earth

Author: heart_and_seoul

Characters: Chanyeol (EXO), Yuna (OC)

Genre: Action, Adventure, Apocalypse, Romance

Type: Straight

 

TITLE: 5/5

The title has a mysterious kind of feeling, it perfectly goes with the plot. It doesn't sound too flashy or too dull. These kind of genres draw me in and I love it. It reminds me of the real After Earth movie.

Posters are not scored if done by another shop/designer.

FOREWORD: 9/10

I would've liked it if it told me less. I wanted it to have the same feeling as the poster: mysterious and have to make you read it to know more about it. And I don't know what's up with the rain puddles. I would've liked it if she did a whole chapter of the foreword to get to know what had happened at the time before. And thanks for the warning about the cursing and violence.

PLOT: 10/10

I love the plot of it. It reminded me of The MazeRunner and The Hunger Games collaborated. I love how its different from all the stories. I liked how this story wasn't too modern or too vintage. Anything else to add? Oh yeah, I favor stories that have cliffhangers and this story perfectly fits my taste. Usually I don't read fan fiction that curses a lot, but this one draws my attention. So, good job!

Characters: 9/10

The two characters, Chanyeol and Yuna, are very alike, but very different. They both give off a mysterious aura around them, that even as a reader, I can feel. 

DETAILS: 10/10

The details are most important whenever you are writing a story and you got the most explainable, realistic details in your story. I just like that it doesn't tell you about fantasy stuff, but about real life. That it isn't really easy to get somebody you like. You took time to introduce each side character, not just say their name and move back on to the main characters, which tells people that the side characters are also very important.

GRAMMAR: 10/10

The grammar is spectacular. It had no mistakes whatsoever and I couldn't see any with the eye. You are doing a good job in checking the story for mistakes and every author should do that, in order to help readers understand. 

MOOD: 18/20

It was kind of too slow. I would have liked it if it had less cursing, because it made the seriousness sound childish. A little bit cursing in a chapter is good, but you used way too much. You put many Kpop idols as tough, experienced fighters, and that kept me on the edge of my seat.

Eveything else was good, and I spent my time on each chapter.

OVERALL SCORE: 62/75 => 85%

Good Job! I'm waiting for an update because I love your story so much! I hope this review will help you out! Sorry if I sounded harsh in the review.

 SEE STORY HERE

 

 

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Title: Not that person anymore

Author: EmpireKids9

Characters: Moon Hyuna, Kris, Tao

Genre: Drama/Romance

Rated: No

Type: Straight                                         

Title: 3/5

I just didn't really like the title. It's long and not that eye-catching. Why don't you think of something simpler, but with the same meaning? Like for example: "Not The Same"; "Changed", "Different", "When You Left Me", "After You Left"...

Foreword: 7/10

Again, too long. You can get from the title that it's about a person who has changed, but the first part of the foreword just repeats it all over again. If I were you, I would have just stuck to the moment with Kris in the end. Now that caught my eye. I like the layout as well.

Plot: 10/10

Aww, the plot is so cute. I like how originally- spoiled bratty playboys get their lesson. Grow up, Kris. Your daughter is soon entering puberty.

Characters: 10/10

Just don't let her give in so easily. She is a mother who has fought for her daughter's happiness and will not easily forgive him. Portray yourself as her-how much sorrow have you got when you see your daughter cry at night, just because she thinks that life has punished her for a sin, by killing her father. Would you feel nice? Or would you hate the person responsible for her misery? Would you sleep normally at night or would you have times when you wouldn't even blink, in fear that she may learn the truth and hate you for it, just because you didn't tell her? What about Tao? Include Hanmi's feelings towards him as the only man in her life, who she knows as a father.

What about Tao and Hyuna? Does she love him? Does she trust him enough?

And Kris; He won't change easily. Will he have a mental breakdown once he learns? Will he take a week off work? Will he be able to look into his daughter's eyes and blame himself for everything? Will he blame Hyuna?

Not to forget Hanmi. It will be a crucial moment when she learns the truth. Will she push her father away or will she cling to him? You need to make it extra emotional.

You should consider these things, for they are the key peak of the story.

Details: 8/10

Add more details. From how they are dressed to how their emotional state is. As brxkenfaeries once said (a reviewer in our shop): "Pretend that you are explaining everything to a blind person." Be very careful with details, since a story like this needs them. One little girl cannot tell with words what is in her mind or heart. She only knows three basic feelings: sadness, fear and happiness. Describe everything in everyone as if it is you, who feels it.

Grammar: 7/10

You mix tenses and also, sometimes confuse verbs.

I use / You use / She uses

Also, take a look at your sentences- some may be too short or others- too long.

Also, it is "I've drawn a very pretty drawing! How can I not win?!" Customize your sentences with feelings. Taken from chapter one, the little kiddo is confused and angry, because he didn't win.

The following sentence: "Can you be quiet?!" The little girl/boy next to him growled. "Sir Kris gave us two sweets each! Be grateful." ...

Why gave us and not given us? Because the two children were there when it had happened. You use had given us or other verbs like that, when the participant wasn't actually a witness of the scene.

Mood: 20/20

I actually really enjoyed this story. I advise you to take an hour max from your time and sit down and look at your story. What would you expect as a reader? What would you like to give as the author? Think about these things and try to write them down with as much as details as possible. I assure you that in this way, you will get a positive feedback. 

Overall Score: 65/75

Please don't forget to comment and credit us.

See the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

**********

Title: Confessions Of A Philophobiac

Author: writingcrazed

Genre: Romance, Drama

Type: Straight

Rated: No

 

Title: 5/5

The perfect title for a good story. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE PEOPLE! Learn from this author! I actually laughed when I saw it, because it's not something that we see often. I enjoyed your title a lot.

Plot: 10/10

Would I say that I loved the plot? Yes. Would I say that the ending surprised me? Yes. Would I say that I liked the beginning of the ending? No. It was all too strange. You started off so well, but in the end, it surprised me how fast everything happened. If I was the main character, I would never forgive a prank like this, sorry, but no. But then again, it made me smile when it ended.

Poster: 10/10

Didn't I tell you? Your poster is perfect and it proves that you don't need the whole world in it. This story is about her and mainly about her only. Other romances are somehow left aside, but still have an impact, reminding that the story is not exactly a day of the heroine's life. I fell in love with your design the moment I clicked on your story. 

Foreword: 10/10

I can't find anything bad about the foreword. The explanation of the term philophobia was really well written, also hinting what would be in the story, without actually shouting it out loud. That was the interesting thing- most people wouldn't realize that there is an arranged marriage involved, just by looking at the foreword, since they think: "Oh, it's the explanation of the word. I don't need to mind it." But they are wrong. So wrong. I also want to thank you for actually putting your story statistic in the end of the chapter. A lot of authors have a habit in putting the info about their stories in the middle of the two story related paragraphs. 

Characters: 10/10

Badass. That is all I can say.

If there was a character that was made so perfectly good at being human, she is it. A blank and serious woman, who knows that love is not originally on her side.

Of course, in the end, she is proven wrong in an again, perfectly written way.

Details: 10/10

From how her office was looking like, to how she got into her pajamas, I could see everything in front of my eyes. There was a time that I actually kept her straight face, just because I was so engulfed by the story. Your way in describing is perfect.

Grammar: 10/10

I don't recall in seeing any mistakes at all. Made me curious as to why you used present tense at first, but I got used to it as I kept reading on. You tried something tricky and you nailed it.

Mood: 18/20

As I told you, the ending was so strange. Ah, who cares they are together, now aren't they? That's what is important, but a fake kidnapping? Really? I didn't really like this, since judging by her personality, she wouldn't have liked this. Or maybe because Luhan backed away so easily? Pabo -.-

Overall Score: 83/85 => 97.6%

And you got featured! Thank you for taking my time with this awesome story!

Click here for the story!

Kate_Sunshine

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A BIRTHDAY WISH

CoLatte

 

 

 

TITLE : (4/5)  

Nice title! It has the significance of your story and written in nice simple words. The title may seem quite simple for contests as a title for a contest should be quite of the 'one of a kind' and quite the black sheep of the group; well, if you were the judge and you have to read hundreds of fics, supposingly you will choose the fic you're going to read from the most unique title that catches your eyes right? Well, that's going to give you an advantage in contests, but if we're not talking about contests here then I do think that your title is okay to be sold on the market of AFF. 

 

FOREWORD : (4/10) 

Your foreword looks more like a character description page.  A foreword is there to tell readers a hint of what are they going to read next. It's like viewing the back of the of a book to see it's synopsis and that text alone will determine your interest to read the book right? Well, a foreword works just the same as that.  You're not hinting the readers of a story, but instead hinting of a biography.  Character Descriptions are a bonus, what's important is that there's that text that would hint the readers a glimpse of what are they going to read, it's like a mystery that they're going to find out soon in the story.  Well if in the case of people who wanted to read biographies fics, then the foreword of yours would work, but if they intended to read a story fic, then of course they would be attracted with something else than that since it basically did not hint anything or any significance to the story. Putting a quotation works too, as I saw the prompt you have placed below your foreword. Lastly, although it was kind of you that you had warned the readers of the bad grammars, I do advise you to place that at the end of your story. Be confident of your work. If you're not confident of your work, how can others be confident of reading your story then? They would be discouraged upon seeing that text; note that, we all judge before we knew something or someone, well unless you're a saint. So, work on this part okay? The foreword would be the first thing the readers going to view and certainly, first impressions last long so you outta put some extra pound of work there. 

 

PLOT : (5/10) 

Personally, I don't find the plot quite realistic and fit for the prompt. Well, of course it had some meanings and connections with the prompt, but did you ever realize that connection of your story and the prompt wasn't the biggest or the most significant thing in your story? The wish Changmin had on forgetting the past was the main thing of your story. You do realize that without that wish, there won't be this story or even the lie.  So, I don't think it works really well with the prompt as it sort of only appears like at cameo. Then, the second thing is the unrealistic.  Do you think someone would go that far just to lose his memories? How and where did Changmin knew that not staying in a coma for a month will lose one's memory? Where did he knew that he would wake up sooner than that? And where did he knew that by having the car crash would exactly end him in a coma?  The medical state and fact was certaily spinned up by you as of course, which would be considering if you placed an author note to tell your readers that the medical states were not real.  Well, but it's your liberty since I am just advising as a similar case happened with John Green with his Fault In our Stars ; he had mentioned a few medical states that were obviously not real which causes some rants and anti fans going here and there, but luckily his author note he had prepared on the back of his book which stated that the facts were made up by him, saved his book on fire. 

 

CHARACTERS (3/10) 

Was it planned or was it not, to leave your story cliff hanging? If it was then, I'm pretty fine with it but if it's not then you outta explain the reason why Changmin did all of this. I saw one of the comments asking about the same thing too, she/he was saying that Changmin was like hiding something from Yunho. Well, I felt the same too, to be honest. It was left unexplained. But again, if the cliff hanging was the original thought of yours since the first place, then it's alright.  Secondly,  there was not a sketch of your characters. Well, you did include interactions, dialogs and expressions but I was wondering where did their personality, attitude, looks went off to?  Let's run back to your foreword whereas it had stated the personalities of your character, but I can't really seen it portrayed in your story. Yunho wasn't a hot tempered at all, forgiving would be the word to describe him. It is very likely that someone would blame that someone who landed his/her sibling in the hospital bed, I expected him to actually took revenge or something since you said he was hot tempered but instead he was there, forgiving.  From where will the readers know that Changmin, couldn't accept his parent death when you had not really explain of what the past that Changmin had wished to forget was? Well, I'm pretty much guessing it was his parent's death though it's the best if you had explained it in your story. And from where would the readers knew that Yunho was a great cook? Were Changmin and Yunho look alike since you said they were siblings? How did they look alike? Their eyebrows? Their lips? Their nose? You had mentioned that Jaejoong was feeling guilty and lowered his head. How did you know he was feeling guilty? Did he said it? No right? It was written on his face or actions. What was his expression then? Was he crying? Was he frowning?

 

DETAILS (2/10) 

You had put a little of details in your story and some of them are quite confusing.  First of all, I ever did reviewed one of your story, right? You may find it boring for me to repeat all the stuff, so I'll skip that part. But, you know the drill; use your five senses to bring in every inch of the story alive. Remember? It was The Christmas Dream that I reviewed, do check on that part of what I have said.  So, let's skip that drill and focus on this story for now. Well, your details couldn't bring up the feelings and emotions when Changmin was hospitalized. It was as if it's so normal. I knew that Jaejoong was along the plan, but if you were him won't you feel nervous, scared, or guilty when your friend that you had intentionally crashed on to appeared? It's really against conscience if he did not feel guilty at all, even though he had requested for this himself, but still, ending up a friend of your's in that kind of state, is not one simple thing to do.  Then, Yunho was there like it was a normal thing that his brother was laying in a hospital's bed. I don't think a person could even manage to introduce themself to the person who had hurt his sibling, well afterall during that time, Yunho did not know of the plan which is why it would be more considering that Yunho would blame Jaejoong for everything, and maybe an emotional breakdown would do good. You had stated that their parents had passed away anyway, which means they were sort of dependent to each other then right? Shouldn't that be a big blow to Yunho?  Remember to consider the things that you have wrote, don't make them turn their knives on each other, really. It's always good to read your last chapter or your story before you start writing a new one, to gain inspiration and to really understand where you had left. 

 

GRAMMAR (4/10) 

CHAPTER ONE : a. "a warm voice welcomed him with a square yellow cake.." are you saying that the voice was carrying a cake? I think you meant the person was carrying the cake, right? You would want to put that in separate sentence.  b. it should be slice not slices.  c. it's not low his head, but lowering.  d. feel isn't supposed to be in it's past tense form which is felt. "I can feel.."  e. there should be "a" before  "bright light"; ""a bright light" f.  Remove the was, it has no particular use on that sentence , "He hesitated" g. traffic light ; light should be in a plural form, lights h.  it should be "Changmin is in.." not "Changmin is inside..." i. there should be a 'the' before 'second floor', "the second floor" . j.  it's supposed to be "his ward was the last ward." not "it's located in the last ward" since that would define that the ward is in a ward.  k. it should be "lying on the bed" not at the bed.  l. it should be "pointed his fingers at that man"  not on the man.  m. 'nagged' is not a good word to describe Yunho's emotions there. Nagged is a term whereas it's used to tell someone off repeatedly, but it seems that in Yunho's case, he was supposed to be either whimpering, swallowed by his tears or hollering around the hall, as you had described him as hot tempered.  There's at least a bit of affection when someone is nagging which is why people said, "moms nags." n.  it should be "Then, Yunho went home because the visiting time was over." Transitions are used whenever you wanted to transfer into another topic or sentence, and that sentence was clearly a new topic, as it is not connected with the last one.

 

CHAPTER TWO :  a. it should be "before looking at.." not look in it's past tense form, looked. b.  "plugged the stethoscope into his ears" not "to his ears"c. "and put the round thing in.." not to.  c. check is not supposed to be in their past tense form, it's supposed to be "After checking on.."  d. It should be "Yunho does what he's been told to" e.  close is not supposed to be in it's past tense form on, "Yunho wanted to closed his ears.." it's suppose to be close instead of closed f.  it's cooperated, but it's cooperating; "his hands weren't cooperating with him" g. it's supposed to be "Is there any way to make him remember everything?"  h. it's not supposed to be in past tense form again, "by shaking his head." i .  there should be 'a' before conversation, " having a conversation"   j. there should another 'a' before 'blank expression', "a blank expression"  k. it should be "sniffing" not sniffed.  l. because you had said "both pen" pen should be in plural form.  m.  it should be closing instead of closed; "before closing the door" 

 

CHAPTER THREE : a. look is not supposed to be in a past tense form; " without looking " b. it should be "popped out of nowhere" not from nowhere c. it should be an infinite verb phrase, " wanting to take out.." d. there should be 'the' before kitchen , "the kitchen"  e. it should be calmer instead of just calm.

 

Well, you had quite much mistake on the tenses, especially on verb tenses. You tend to bend in more to the past tense,  do practice more on tenses and not to mention, you kept forgetting the articles which made your story grammar's a bit messed up to read. The punctuations are properly placed and the spelling was okay but you do need to workout on your tenses and articles, and also sentence structure ; sometimes you messed up your sentence structure which made it a bit harder to understand. 

 

 

TOTAL : 22/55

So now that we done our review session, let me say a couple of things first.  Firstly, I would like to apologize if you find me harsh or naggy as I wrote my review about your story since I basically just wrote things in the eyes and the point of view of a reader.  Secondly, stick to your plot for the whole story , but remember to fill in the holes alright? Details are your weapon, remember. Keep your heads up and never stop writing! If you're having a writer's block , I have to suggest you to find a playlist of songs that could inspire you on any sites you prefer.   Last but not least, I would love to say thank you on behalf of every staff here and me myself for choosing this shop! I hope we would see you again next time ;) Have a nice day and keep up the good work :))

 

 REVIEWED BY BRXKENFAERIES 

 

CLICK FOR THE STORY HERE

 

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 Title: The Gisaeng

Author: littlemisshappyify

Characters: Moon Chae Won, Park Shi Hoo, Song Joongki

Genre: Angst, Mystery, Historical Romance

Type: Straight

Rated: Future chapters

Title: 5/5

We all know what a gisaeng is. It is a female entertainer, also called a e, who lives in the Koryo kingdom in past Korea. Most of the gisaengs were former free people, who later on, under some circumstances were sold by the government (?) In your case, since there are only three chapters that describe a whole day, we can't really tell who the gisaeng is, but the reader can get the feeling that she either is already a gisaeng, because of her mother, who has to be one as well, or will be sold as one, because a crime done by, normally, a close relative. Judging by her temper, she is yet to be sold. There is no better title than this one.

Plot: 10/10

As I said in the title section, a gisaeng is a female entertainer. While most of the users on AFF write about es in real life, you chose to use the old style, where a taboo love is actually calling out to it's name as a gisaeng can't fall in love, or at least will not have a companion, since she is not allowed to, unless, of course, she has a gibu, (gisaeng husband), who provides her. This was the true law with financial support and status in society, while getting ual and cultural entertainment in return. You should know, though, gisaengs CAN be freed by a hefty price, paid by a government official. Be careful, since this can actually change the whole story. If you thought about an impossible love, you got it, but a gisaeng CAN be freed and can live a normal life, but will remain with their social status that is equal to the butchers and slaves, in people's eyes. Therefore, there is no way an ex gisaeng could earn respect and a positive reputation. 

Your plot caught me right away, because I originally interested in Korean and world history. I watch a lot of dramas as well.

Foreword: 10/10

Your characters were present only to recreate the reader's mental reinstatement about them. Nothing else. You did good at that. There was no text that was in excess, making the reader curious. The dictionary was well used, since many of the readers have no idea what a norigae, for example, is. 

Characters: 10/10

This is only the beginning of the story and it's understandable why there is not an actual character development. Just don't make the main fall in love too fast. Even if you do it like that, try to use as much as detail as you can and it that way, it will be reasonable and the story won't loose it's charm.

Details: 10/10

Just by the details, I understood her and was able to visualize her in a perfect way. Either you read a lot of books, or you are just gifted in creating and describing situations that are less likely to happen, since the scenes that you include are less likely to be cliche.

Grammar: 7/10

As before, you have to look at your first chapter again, because I found some repeating. "people-people", when she was explaining about how the people made the Royal Family, not the other way around.

Second chapter, last paragraph: "She... She... She... She..." Instead of "She lifted her face and..." try "Lifting her face, she..." instead. I don't remember the exact sentence, but you get the idea. 

Chapter one: "(As if) She felt him lean (ed) or (,) maybe (,) it (was) just a figment of her imagination..."

"She saw his jaw tighten(ed)... 

"We (are/were) not..."

Chapter two: "He wasn't wearing (any/a) hat..."

"She heard him groan(ed)..." She heard him groan. He let out a groan and she heard that. Do you understand? She actually heard him do that, so in this case, him groaning is done in present simple. You hear things in the moment of performing the action. You can't hear something in the moment, when the action has ended. Unless you see a lightning, but this is different, since light travels with a speed of 3x10⁸ m/s, but we don't need this. A person hears things while they are performed. 

Also, I saw that in the last paragraph, without the repeating, you have really short and strict sentences. Combine them a little and make the description of actions smooth. 

I found it well thought, since you didn't use shortenings like: don't, can't, etc. It is good, because you are writing about the old times, where formal speech was a must, with all it's glory and limitations. Some writers don't use this, regardless the situation that they are in. One thing is talking to your dog or little brother, another thing is talking to the magistrate. 

Mood: 20/20

I like to escape from the mainstream and read fictions about people other than idols. Maybe that is why I liked this story- there were no young idols, who are portraying a mature and serious role. It is a whole other feeling when you see Park Shi Hoo, as the main, than when GD is. I love GD, but I can't really portray him as a serious prince, even if I the story says that he is a hundred years old; he will always look young and foolish for me. He would play a great stalker, though xD Even though I haven't seen him yet in the story, I know that he would make a perfect one sided love victim. This story is a must to read and I would strongly recommend it.

Overall Score: 72/75

And you got FEATURED (again) with the perfect score of 96%

You can see the story here!

Kate_Sunshine

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Title: Mr. Perfect

Author: Fan_Of_Karma

Genre: Comedy, (Slightly) Romance

Type: (Slightly)

Rated: No

Title: 5/5

Yeah, he is. He is indeed Mr. Perfect. You know that saying that if he is gorgeous looking (a.k.a perfect) then he is gay? Yeah, he is. Perfectly chosen title that perfectly suits the story. Would I click on the story just because of the title and the tags? HELL YEAH!

Plot: 10/10

As soon as I read about him going to SBS, I knew. I kept imagining Sung Shi-won (Reply 1997) or worse -  Sung Na-jung (Reply 1994) already being there, screaming on top of their lungs "OPPA SARANGHAE!" Later on, as you wrote about the performance and the crazed fan, being ACTUALLY associated to Reply 1997, I then confirmed to myself that no, this was not your normal hilarious story. Seriously? I think your plot should be used as a Korean teen drama. You cracked me and even worse, you made me do some weird movements with my hands at every.single.funny.moment. Just so you know, they were a lot.

Foreword: 10/10

The most original, funny and creative foreword I have ever seen. Should I be a grumpy ol' review and take a point off, just because you have a character introduction, which I seriously so not tolerate? Absolutely not. If someone should look for an example of a perfect chart, then the one in your foreword is the perfect one. I laughed with my actual voice coming out of my mouth, going into the air as a wave, hitting the computer screen hard.

Characters: 10/10

You specifically said that this was a story for laughter. You succeeded in doing this. Your characters reflect on many actual people, who sometimes can do the unthinkable in order to defend their interests. In your case, paying four million won for a broken system. Well played.

Details: 10/10

Again, I can't complain. If there is a story that is perfect in details, it is yours. I was certain ever since the: “Alright, I’ll leave first,” she said casually." I think you get what I mean, your story is the true perfection of comedy.

Grammar: 10/10

No mistakes found. Maybe I was too caught up in the story, but I failed to find any.

Mood: 20/20

At first I was like: "Why the hell is this story requested for a review? Like, does the author actually want me to write how perfect it was?" Maybe you did? During the first five chapters I was actually like: "Okay, I will just post a big fat: "NO IMPEREFECTIONS, see the story here! Kate_Sunshine", but then again, let's be real, okay? Your story IS amazing and you should be proud of that. This story was so professionally made, that Myungsoo himself should be BEGGING you to play as himself in the upcoming drama. THIS SHOULD BE A KOREAN DRAMA, I think I made myself clear already? Okay, then I have nothing more to say.

Overall Score:

Huh, seriously? You really wanna know?

You got featured, by the way.

Please don't forget to comment and credit us :)

See the story here! 

Kate_Sunshine

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One Wish From A Shooting Star

lovelyndgrey2230

 

 

TITLE (5/5)

Very nice title! Well done,  it's well related to the story, simple and not a title overly-used, creative, perfectly matched with your story! It hides the meaning of the story well, I wouldn't be able to guess that it's about a changing fate and  cancer if I didn't read the one-shot story or some chapters from your story . I like how you kept it simple and yet meaningful at the same time though I'm wondering if you were referring to Luhan as the shooting star in your title, but well then, it's perfect! Well done.

 

 

FOREWORD (9/10)

Nice foreword you got there, though I have nothing to revise there except for one tiny suggestion ; I do advise you to delete that one wish from the shooting star, because we wouldn't want to blow up your title's cover that soon eh? Hide the significance of the title to the story till the very end of the story, or at least to say in the middle-ending.  Others are doing okay.  A good move that you had quoted something from your story onto your foreword to pull readers in. Nice job. 

 

 

PLOT (9/10)

Well, though not much people tend to use a tragic/angst plot , but I have encountered lots of stories with a similar plot as yours. I do hope that you could make your's sort of a different from the others, I know you could. Try to relate in your personal experiences to your story, that might help as I'm sure everyone has different experiences of their own.  But well, your plot is somewhat heading to the unrealistic side because of lack of details which I'm going to discuss later on. Your story flow is going in a suitable speed, but I do suggest you not to use *Flashback ends* thingy, instead use a transition like maybe start with a 'I remember' or 'I let my thoughts run wildly' or stuff like that. Now all you need, was to insert in the details and keep up the speed. Get it till here? 

 

CHARACTERS (5/10)

I could see much characters and dialogs going here and there in your story which earns the five points I gave you since you managed to describe one's image thorugh dialogs and interactions but then, you were lacking in some stuff. I've told many authors that I've reviewed their story before that this is a problem if you're going to have lots of characters in your story; you need to spend more time and space to describe each (or most) and they all must at least have a role in the story. Sometimes, we all tend to focus on one or two characters that we forgot the others. What, are they going to stand there frozen? No, right?  That's one big reminder you have to remind yourself throughout your story since you got a pretty much amount of characters in your story.  Nextly, EXO. Are you telling me that you were putting EXO as EXO of SM or EXO as EXO of your story? Are you saying that their gang name is EXO or what? Do you know EXO in real life? No. We all (most of us, exactly to say) are merely drawing an image of them in our imagination unless you know them in real life then I do not mind but again, we're customizing them with our own preferences and thus, creating a fictional character right? Let's say that I imagine Kris as a dorky guy off screen, you imagine him as a fashionista while Alice imagined him as a motherly guy.  See that different? If you're just going to say Kai or EXO or Luhan, do you think we all would have the same person you're imagining? No.  Tell us what you seen them as . Maybe Kris is a blue-eyed person, maybe Luhan is the tallest, etc. It's your imagination, you can do whatever you want to do with them but well since you're writing a story, please do remember to share those with the readers hm? Secondly and lastly would be Krystal. She did not give an impression of a ice princess to me. I meant, yeah judging from her face and facts from fans but then like I said before, we know nothing about them offscreen thus everyone has different imaginations as they customize their idols to their own preferences and thoughts. It's something like sims, eh? The way she talk to Kris and react is a bit of you know the 'bossy-popular-girl-of-the-class' (no offense) . One wrong adjective can make a fatal mistake, my dear. If she was indeed Kris' match , shouldn't her attitude be somewhat of Kris? As in the I-don't-care type would fit icy more isn't it? If i were you, I would have wrote Krystal cursing, rolling her eyes then stormed off. Although, the Krystal part wouldn't bother that much but I hope the same mistake won't occur and I really hope that you can make your characters feel alive , you could describe them fully, your story is a one great story, I hope that you could improve on this part as it would be really sad if it brings the ratings down due to the diversity in thoughts and lack of details.

 

DETAILS (6/10)

Bit sad that you didn't describe the surroundings and emotions in . I meant, well you do in certain points of the story but don't you find it a bit lacking? It makes the story feels rushed up and monotone.  In describing surroundings, it's best if you use all of your senses in. Is it hot? Sunny? How does it feel when the wind touches your face? Does the clock ticks slowly at class? Do you feel tired or hungry? What does the coffee smells like? Is it rich or creamy?  Remember that in a world, it's not just the people and the dialogs, there's still the surroundings going here and there. Some surroundings are worth to take a look at and some are not right? Be a good painter, and choose the best scenes to draw. I'm trying to say that, there are certain things which you do not need to describe like those things that do not leave a significance to the story. Like if my story isn't about a janitor or a sink production company, do you think that I have the need to describe the toilet? No, right? Weathers are important too , my dear. They affect one's life and moods right? You could be sick from the weather perhaps, or maybe feeling lonely as the sound of the rain filled up your room.  Okay? Then, feelings. Don't just say she's sad or he's happy. What about it? Did their expression change? Did their voice get higher or lower? What are they doing? Are they biting their lips or are they jumping around? Again, it's not just the words.  Try to not focus on the dialogs that much, give some time for the details, alright? Like I said before, one adjective can mean one big thing. If you learn on how to describe things well, then I'm sure that readers would understand and get attached to your story more as they knew and understand your story world. 

 

GRAMMAR (9/10)

Well, there's not much to be revised on, just some minor mistakes that only happened in some times. Everyone has their mistakes so that should be okay. Well, you tend to forget articles sometimes like "the" or "has" , only that. Your tenses were okay and so are, the punctuations and spelling. Your choice of words are okay as you managed to keep it in the same level throughout your story. Well then, I do not find a huge amount of mistakes for me to revise on and for the readers to get confused on . But, if you wanted me to point out the words which are wrong and in need for revision then you may PM me at brxkenfaeries at anytime you want.  Oh, and hey regarding about your choice of word, well if you want to improve and bring your skills to a whole new level then it's advisable that you aim for ambitious words. Don't directly go to enormous words if you do not understand the usage of them or their meaning.  If you're stuck in the choice of words, well you could just find in the dictionaries  for the synonyms of the word you're looking for right? Right. Good luck! 

 

 

 

TOTAL :  (43/55)

So now that we done our review session, let me say a couple of things first.  Firstly, I would like to apologize if you find me harsh or naggy as I wrote my review about your story since I basically just wrote things in the eyes and the point of view of a reader.  Secondly, stick to your plot for the whole story , but remember to fill in the holes alright? Details are your weapon, remember. Keep your heads up and never stop writing! If you're having a writer's block , I have to suggest you to find a playlist of songs that could inspire you on any sites you prefer.   Last but not least, I would love to say thank you on behalf of every staff here and me myself for choosing this shop! I hope we would see you again next time ;) Have a nice day and keep up the good work :))

 

REVIEWED BY BRXKENFAERIES

 

click for the story here!

 

------------------------------

 

Title: A Boy with a Name

Author: EPIONE

Characters: Yoo Jiae, Daehyun, Youngjae, BAP

Genre: Dark Angst, Slice of Life

Rated: for mention of depressing themes—yes

Type: Straight

Reviewer: writingcrazed

 

Title: 3/5

To be honest, if it wasn’t for your little explanation at the end of the story I would not have understood what relevance it had to the plotline at all since Jiae was the main focus. I also feel like the title made it seem like it was going to focus more on Daehyun but it doesn’t so I personally didn’t really like it. However, it is still intriguing at first glance and the story behind it (your explanation) is a nice touch. So props to you.

 

Foreword & Description: 9/10

It’s short and leaves the readers on the edge of their seats. Although some things were awkwardly worded and such, I think you still did a good job on these two sections. I feel like the part of it being parallel AU to your other story, however, should have been put at the end or something. I think you were trying to hint at something, especially with the quote but it feels a little out of place to me. And the excerpt part should have been properly formatted. Meaning a start of a new paragraph whenever a different person speaks (even though here it was only part of her subconscious). Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

 

Plot: 13/15

I was sort of confused with some parts of the story (most likely because I didn’t read the other parts), but it is, nonetheless, still a fine piece of literature. I really fancy the storyline because it focuses on so much more than that typical romance and happily ever after theme. It reflects the heinous side of reality which people refuse to believe still exists in this day and age. Your goal was to make this story realistic and you have accomplished that with flying colors. But without the explanations you provided in chapter four, I’m afraid to say that I would have been clueless. As soon as I finished part three, I was just sitting there trying to make sense of everything. Especially when it changed to first person point of view. I didn’t know who he was and why Daehyun did everything he did. Or why Youngjae and Daehyun don’t like one another.

 

Creativity & Originality: 10/10

It is very unique and one of a kind in my eyes. So you get full marks here! You’re the first person who has ever gotten full marks for me in this section. Excellent job. And I love—and I mean absolutely love—your open ending. You leave it up to the readers to decide if Jiae will recover or not. Beautiful.

 

Flow: 8/10

It was a tad bit puzzling because it wasn’t in chronological order but the fact that it wasn’t actually gave it a nice touch.

 

Writing Style: 4/5

Sometimes I felt your repetition of things was overwhelming and unnecessary but you did a wonderful job still!

 

Character Development: 12/15

The characters were kind of bewildering to me. I couldn’t get a good grasp on who they were or why they reacted to things the way they did. Specifically Jongup. I don’t know but something about his character was unsettling. I didn’t really get his behavior at some points of the story. But Jiae’s character was pretty amazing. I meant the way you portrayed her of course. You made her rather weak and demure (well to me she was anyways) and stuck with it. I think she was probably the most realistic thing in your story.  

 

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation: 17/20

Because English is not your first language, I won’t be too harsh with you. But honestly, your English is marvelous. If you didn’t tell me it wasn’t your first language, I would have thought it was! Like I mentioned earlier about your foreword and description, some of your sentences were awkwardly phrased and composed. Also, there were instances were you would switch from present to past tense. Like during the flash back in part two with Jiae and Daehyun. You switched the tenses a couple of times and I know it might be confusing since it was a flashback but you have to pick one tense and stick to it. Also you forgot some words and mixed up some pronouns. And your count of nouns has to agree with the verbs.

For example: “His sandy hair are messy,” should be “his sandy hair is messy.” And “she feels the hand on her shoulder stiffens.” It should be stiffen or stiffening because she ‘feels’ it already. It’s tricky I know. Ah and this part didn’t make sense to me either: “Not with her purplish bags beneath his eyes.” I thought you might have meant beneath her eyes, which is the part where you confused your pronouns. You also left out the he in “the last time she saw him, was before ___ walked out of his apartment.” And the comma before the him is not needed.

 

Overall: 9/10

Everything fit well together. I don’t really have any complaints.

 

Personal Enjoyment: 4/5

I actually love happy endings but you know what, I like yours as well. It really touched my heart in a way because I know the world isn’t always filled with rainbows and unicorns. Thank you for reminding me that. Oh and all of the medical terms you used made me feel like you definitely knew what you were talking about! TEN THUMBS UP! Even though I only have two OTL.  

 

Total: 89/100

Reviewer's Other Comments: I'm sorry if I sounded mean, that was not my intention. If you have any inquiries, feel free to PM me and superb job! And sorry if my rubric differs from the shop's. I'm new here >.<

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