〈 HELLHOUSE° 〉 lovewithSJ
BY LOVEWITHSJ - STORYLINK
TITLE: 5.5/10
‘Forgotten’ is quite a common title throughout published books and fan fiction, so it doesn’t necessarily speak out to the reader. It’s pretty bland. However, I understand the heavy significance the title has towards the storyline. Though other more “reader-demanding” titles could have still been made with other synonyms or maybe a metaphor on lost memory. Using ‘Restart or Refresh’ could have added more emphasis on the broken romance in the story, rather than the general ‘memory loss’ aspect to the story, while something like ‘In the Head and Heart’ could link towards the romance and plot.
DESCRIPTION: 9.5/10
The description is short and to the point, though in the foreword you specified that you would have been using the real names of the Super Junior members, but you didn’t use their real names in the description. It’s not a real writing fault, but it looks like a messy character line when people read the story. But enough of that, the description was fine. Nothing was revealed in the story.
FOREWORD: 5/5
The foreword gave necessary bits and pieces of the fan fiction, so it’s all good.
PLOT: 14/25
Plots with memory loss have really escalated in fan fiction now, a lot of resembling lost love and restarting lives. So the originality of the plot is upright original. When writing with mental illnesses and mental problems, an author has to thoroughly understand what they’re working with. From my point of view, Youngwoon’s head injury was not heavily severe, but severe enough to loose some small points and aspects memory. I feel that this was a good choice, by not overwhelming and exaggerating his accident, but at the same time, if this had logically happened, he’d also have trouble remembering other memories related to his past relationship.
The resolution was pretty fast and possibly, too quick. It's not fully logical, but it's a story, so we'll let that slide.
As stated above, memory loss is not original. The story may seem a bit cliche to some, but no story can have no forms of a cliche term in it. The plot is fairly basic, with the introduction leading up to something expected (Youngwoon realising that there was something between him and Jungsoo). It’s a very sweet oneshot, but very straight forward and basic. It feels the need for a sequel. The ‘restart or refresh’ term used towards the end of the story really highlights the point of the story. I really enjoyed tha, but I think it would be used better if you developed more on it.
However, the resolution still lacks a ‘bang’. It’s all sweet and fluffy but it lacks more plot and more development.
CHARACTER: 14/20
Charactisation was fairly basic in the storyline. More depth to describe them could have been used with more descriptive writing in the first paragraph, a paragraph in the italic section, a paragraph in the announcement of Youngwoon not remembering the relationship, sections on how other Super Junior members reacted to this, and a section in the last few paragraphs of him remembering love.
Jungsoo acted quite immature throughout the story, though that's the writers decision on how they want their characters to be.
However, the whole progression of the lives of the characters was good. The process of both of them throughout story was simple yet very affective in the resolution of the story.
FLOW: 6/10
The flow of the story was quite hasty. There was a lot of jumping within scenes and moments of the day, and from the looks of the reader, the story progressed within a fairly short amount of time (basically a whole day). The plot flow was fast, lacking a lot of description that could be there (description of the views of each characters, setting etc.). There was confusion between the italic section of the text (the flashback), which could have been put there without the italics but as subtle steps throughout the the story. It could have been fine without the italics if you just added the sets time at the start of each scene.
LANGUAGE: 9/20
Small mistakes were found throughout the story, but most of them were just rushed. I suggest you reread before posting anything. Some were grammatical or involved punctuation, some were spelling mistakes and some just needed to be reworded.
Finally, he was freed from the horrendously boring hospital.
Finally, he was free from the horrendously boring hospital.
"Welcome back, hyung." Youngwoon said softly
"Welcome back, hyung,” Youngwoon said softly…
... made him happy yet at the same time, confused.
... made him happy, yet at the same time, confused.
... instead of 'Teukie' or the embarrassing 'baby' nickname?
... instead of ‘Teukie', or the embarrassing 'baby' nickname?
Jungsoo resisted the urge to get up my his chair and…
Jungsoo resisted the urge to get up off his chair and…
… towards Youngwoon's direction,
… towards Youngwoon's direction.
Jungsoo was queeit throughtout…
Jungsoo was quiet throughout…
Heechul eventually did, after taking in a deep breath.
After taking a deep breath, Heechul did.
"I don't understand... Why is it that he just want remember us?"
"I don't understand... why is it that he just won’t remember us?”
"So what you mean is that he don't want to remember those memories anymore?"
"So you mean he won’t want to remember those memories anymore?”
It was a habit of his whenever he tries to hide…
It was a habit of his whenever he tried to hide…
It then became a secret that only Super Junior knows.
It then became a secret that only Super Junior knew.
That night, before Heechul return to his bedroom…
That night, before Heechul returned to his bedroom…
Tears were still streaming down so Jungsoo tried his best to wipe them till they stop pouring out.
Tears were still streaming down, so Jungsoo tried his best to wipe them until they’d stop pouring out.
“We... Were we together in the past?"
“We... were we together in the past?”
"...My brain may not remember but my heart do.
"My brain may not remember but my heart does.
… fake smiles during the party, it was a genuine smile.
… fake smiles during the party, it was genuine.
More components of imagery could have been used in the first paragraph, coming from Youngwoon’s perspective of the hospital, or possibly enlarging how he felt in the state. Though the story mainly develops on the sappy romance and fluff, (too much description disrupting the plot), more could have been used to engage the reader.
FINAL MARK: 63/100
Thank you for requesting! Sorry if this was completed a little late for you, but I hope you get the best out of it. - WUFANO
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