The school counsellor was on MC for the whole week. I couldn't find her and talk to her no matter how much I want to. Because I need to get this off my chest, I need answers. Why am I feeling this way, it affected dance practice so much. Everything was out of sorts ever since it happened. Because I am instructed not to say anything, because I know that telling people about this will cause misunderstandings. And misunderstandings aren't good.

But it's driving me crazy. I feel so guilty even though it's none of my fault. I make up so many things about the incident that I start to believe in that. It is miserable, really. But I can't help myself. It's probably normal, or maybe it isn't normal.

Today the instructors told us the rules that people in the professional sector had to follow. So many rules and I realize that I have so many flaws they might not accept me. So what if I changed, so what if I tried hard, so what if it was the desires of my heart, so overwhelming. But I can't give up yet, because dance is what I dreamt of at night. Before it became that boy, but it's all changing. And the reason why I dream of that boy, is because I really wanted a dance friend. And I thought he was one. I really can't fit in, but it's okay because the people do not want to be professional dancers. Because some do not even love dance and they leave the team because they do not want to commit.

It's okay because I'll stay and change. As long as the things regarding my senior is solved.

Yes I must admit. I love dance but I can't feel the passion anymore. I will still dance. I am not prepared to quit. But it's just that I can't feel anything anymore. Happened around the time my senior got that problem. Perhaps it's that. Or perhaps it's because of that boy. Or maybe everything is my fault, and I'm just a hypocrite for trying to find excuses, but I desperately need answers. I can't feel anything anymore. What happened to that promise, "Finish the dance even if you feel like fainting", or "If they can do it, I can do it too. Because I'm their senior, and I need to be better than them.". What happened, was it because of the members leaving? They were good role models, but all of a sudden something happens and they leave the team and they become so ugly.