This is a little late and long, but I still decided to post it XD

I could still remember those days when I felt like an outsider here on Asianfanfics. With a rather weird username and absolutely no knowledge about writing anything decent, I found myself browsing through this site like an excited puppy. RLF1815 turned into raejhinah, then I became Madchen. It was surreal how many changes happened during my aff journey. Karma points and those numbers representing my subscribers were unknown to me and I just treated them like useless numbers on my computer screen. Zero will never affect me in any way and I couldn’t even put those numbers to good use.

Reading was mainly my hobby here. Revolution by purpleskies and Kastrating Kai by Moni-chan were the first stories I read because my friend recommended them to me. Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that fans loved to pair male idols with other male idols. I was a newby exo fan back then and I adored Suho out of all of them. But was still and I couldn’t restrain myself from reading more and more until there came a time when I wanted to write my own. The comedy from Kastrating Kai and the unique plot of Revolution became my foundations for my first story which was titled “Precious Pleasures.” After posting the foreword and the first chapter on the same day, I was eagerly watching how the view started off as one and became a hundred afterwards. I even told my mom the good news and wondered why no one commented right away.

The first comment I received was from springjasmine91 (if I’m not mistaken). Being the excited first time writer, I was proud of myself that I was able to obtain a comment for my first chapter. Day after day, I posted another chapter which was first written on my yellow pad before I typed it on my computer. Six subscribers were what fuelled me to write more and more even if I was having a difficult time thinking about the next scenes.

The eagerness was there and I couldn’t forget how I was waving the yellow pad in front of my friend’s face just so she would have a chance to read it first. How I wish I could revive that same eagerness and apply them to my current fan fics. The spark and inspiration is still here, but the burden seems to weigh on my shoulders.

By writing all day, I managed to create three fics that were regularly updated during my summer vacation and when I entered college. They became my top priority and my studies were pushed aside for the sake of reading and writing. I sincerely regretted that because I shouldn’t have prioritized them. So when my eyes were opened, I decided to delete two of them. The third one was finished with sixteen chapters of amateur writing and I have the habit of not rereading anything I wrote.

For me, my writing still . No, I’m not trying to sound like I want reassurances about my writing, but I think I’m just a small ant compared to the great writers in lj and aff. My writing wasn’t even good enough to encourage people to speak up and give me their opinions. I was becoming discouraged with every chapter I wrote. It felt like I was heading nowhere.

 Similar to other authors, I also wanted to be featured and admired, have a bit of attention and appreciation. Even in real life, I craved for reassurance, a small push to keep me going and finish what I started. Recent changes were what made me want to start anew again. WKS (when Kyungsoo Strikes) was like my ‘debut fic’ of sorts. Many people liked that fic, but writing it made me wonder if they were reading it for my writing or for the . Those kinds of thoughts always invade my mind and I was always kept in the dark because I couldn’t read everyone’s minds. It’s just sad that the old me who was a noob on aff, couldn’t be restored no matter how much I tried.

Recently, I’ve been wanting to delete my fics and start anew, but that would be running away from what I started. It’s against my principle in life to be that kind of person. No matter how much I want to discard everything and melt into the background, I can’t.

Lol, this blog might sound like a long rant or the expression of my long kept feelings and opinions about this site. Having the power to write anything I want, in any setting and in any point of time made me wish that I could improve and inspire other people with my work. The authors I admired so much still seemed so far away.

Improvement was just around the corner for some. But for me, hard work is needed to achieve a higher status in this field.

As for the changes on this site, I don’t really mind. All of them made this site better than ever. Reading became easier and so were writing and coding. It’s up to the moderators to assign any changes appropriate and useful to every user.

Lastly…

After spending a rather meaningful year (Contests are won and readers are lost and gained), I wonder if anyone will miss me/ look for me if I suddenly deactivated and moved on to another account. Will anyone remember ‘Madchen’ for her plots and her writing?

I wonder.

[[A bit weird since I wrote this when I was very sleepy ;)]]