I ask myself why. Probably to find some comfort that there are teens my age, suffering more than me. I'm clear about the things going on in my house you see, I get so sensitive that it terrifies me. What for, they aren't even divorced yet. But they can't talk to each other anymore. Things so important, they can't even talk about it. It gets so stressful, telling me to be the messanger and anticipating the disapproval in their faces. The tug of war and "who do you wanna live with?" which essentially translates to "who do you love more? choose me because I love you more."

It is really a silent war, I feel the non-existant tension. Gotten so used to the tension that if there isn't any tension, I'll just make it up. Sounds weird and I feel that I am making it all up. It's still surreal, the thought of leaving from this family. Was this why I wanted to be a dancer? If I devoted all my time to church, will I love God more? If the people in church cared for me more than my dance instructors, will I have chosen to be a good Christian and not even join the team? In the end, the way my instructors treat me doesn't matter. 

My mom told me that they are getting a divorce when I graduate from secondary school, because of something in the law. Waiting for 4 years before you can be divorced formally, or something like that. I just want all this to end. With such a deep hatred for each other, I wonder why they ever got married. Did they wish that by getting married, everything will be better? Did they wish that 'the kids will make everything better'? Was their relationship better when we were younger, or did they conceal all of those ugly things only for these things to resurface years later?