It's a horrible, horrible, horrible feeling. 

Sometimes, when a person leaves you - it's much more to a physical method of walking out of where you live or so. 

Sadly, when people leave me, they dont. Not in a physical way. They still are there. Not just one person. But in general. None of them had really left me. they are still very much there.

I'll start with my parents. 
They are still very much there. But not. 

Then my first very best friend. 
I met her recently. Hugged her. But not. Something's so odd about how people just walk out of me. Walk out of who we used to be. How things had been between us. How everything is simply not there anymore. It's far worse than when a person literally walks out of your life when you see them everyday but it feels like miles and miles of distance had been put between you. But at least, with this one - We've been literally apart for almost five years now; so I think it's enough physical distance for some physicological distance to develop as well.

The my second very best friend?

She's there everyday. 

Every freaking where I go.

Every freaking thing I do.

Sometimes I just look up at a random person expecting it to be her; only to realize - no; it can't be her. Then I start thinking about what exactly happened. Something certainly did happen; and it was both of our fault. We couldn't have talked it out - we still wouldnt, but I always end up thinking its silly. I had been silly. Sometimes - when I carry stuff around; I happen to think that last year; we were doing this together. Just last year. Sometimes when I get all hyper about BAP and realize that just last year, that we had been hyper about BAP together. Sometimes BAP is ... pointless without her. 

Sometimes things I still do are pointless without her. Just ing last year things were so damned different!

Sometimes - when I think that the fact that we dont even meet each others eyes - because she just balantly ignores me, when i end up thinking it's silly again; it just comes to me that she had - once when all the was going on - called me silly; said that people had better problems than to argue about dumb like this... I end up thinking 'Yeah she was right.'

Only to realize; It's too late to be thinking that.

Only to realize she doesnt really want anything to do with me anymore; and half of the is my fault. Only to realize I'm not going to have this conversation with her. Only to realize, It's far from gone.

Funny, because I was the one who promised to be by her side and end up feeling that dude, she doesnt even see me now.

Shake the feeling of my shoulders and keep on walking, talk to the person next to her but not her because - I dont even know why.

-_- It's annoying to the point I'm hurt.

But I guess it always works like that.
I can't possibly expect someone to deal with a mood-flinging duck like me. Can I?

I guess it works like that when she has to say we cant be friends like we used to be when I say I want to be friends again.
I can't possibly expect her to be there when I want it like that and be gone and stand here again and be gone and just deal with who I am, can I?

I dont get it.

Friendship.

Whatever happened. 
 

It's silly that she ignores me. Silly that we even argued about not wishing for my birthday. Silly that I was pissed off with choices she had made. Silly that I ... 

Just shake my shoulders off the feeling and keep walking because, 

now it seems she has better friends, while .... well; I'm back to square one. 

Maybe it's about time I learn that .... 
BFF is.. stupid.
Stop trying to be a good friend because it doesnt work that way,

Stop thinking that you know; one day there might be a person who'll be there. 
I guess it doesnt work the way we want to.

Maybe this is just one of the things I should list in 'Things I dont want anymore'. It's just not easy to do that. Maybe because I want it. 

I wonder how long it will take. 
For me to finally agree that, 
 

True friends are hard to make.
Harder to keep.

I miss you.

--

Sorry I dont.... urgh i just had to let it out since il never say it to her face at this rate.