It's time for my very philosophical and maybe a bit depressing blog. I'll try not to make it so, but I don't know how it's going to go, so ... just go with it.

I find that when I try to think, about anything, my mind is blank. Like ... if I really try to think about somehting - math, for example, if it's a story problem or something and I have to figure out how to put the problem together, or if I'm asked what a word means to me, then I completely freeze because I literally cannot think. It's really hard to explain to be honest. I don't know if it's only me, but I think I've figured out that if I just go with the flow and try not to think, things end up better in a way. Like when I try to eat healthy and set up a schedule of when and what to eat, my plan epically fails. But if I just go hour by hour, then things tend to be a bit better. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. Like ... is that normal? Maybe ... but then again, what's normal? We're all unique in our own way, so technically there is no normal. I just feel like I should be able to think a lot more or something. Like ... I feel like as I get older, I am getting dumber. I know I"m not, but as I get older, I realize that there are so many things that I don't know and it frustrates me because I know I will never be able to know things I think I should know. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I know that there is this process that everyone has to go through as they become an adult - the whole "finding yourself" thing. But ... it completely and utterly . I'm so confused with who I am, what I'm feeling, what I like, and where I am going in life that it's making me feel like it might not be worth it to make it to where I might end up. Why do we all have to go through this? It . Seriously . But I guess that, in a way, going through this is what makes us, us. we go through this process in order to find ourselves so that we can live our lives to the fullest (whatever that means). It , but ... I think I may get it ... maybe.

Then there's this urge to try to help everyone who is going thorugh what I was (and still am a little bit) going through. I hate the fact that there are people out there who are depressed, who cut, who self-mutilate themselves, who ... who starve themselves, who purge, who think that life isn't worth it, who ... who kill themselves because they can't stand the nightmare they have been living. I hate it. I wish that no one had to go through that. I hate that I know what it feels like. But ... damnit, I can't help everyone. I know that. There are so many things that I wish I could say to help people, but I can't. I literally can't becuase, , I'm not good at that. I try to come up with some philosophical or intelligent thing to say, but I never can and it frustrates the hell out of me ... I, however, have realized that there are people out there who are trying to help people who need it. Ever heard of Love is Louder? Look it up because it's a really good cause that I just found. But there are more out there trying to reach out to people who will take their help in order to survive what they are going through. And even though I want to help people, I know that I can't. Not really. And it , but I'm finding that maybe it's okay that I can't. It's not my responsibility, right? I don't know what my responsiblilty is, though, but I do know that I have to help myself first. And that in itself is a work in progress.

You know how my interests change frequently? Yeah, it still . Like, Kpop isn't in my life much anymore. I don't even listen to it anymore. I don't know why, but it just ... I'm not interested. At all. It's so weird! I get so enthralled with it and dedicate hours upon hours obsessing over something and then suddenly I'm onto the next thing. I don't understand it at all and ... well, yeah, it . You know how I went to an anime convention last week, right? Well, there was a Kpop stand in the dealers hall. And guess what? I looked at it and spent nothing. I spent 2 minutes at it and that's it. It didn't interest me. So fricking weird. Like ... it's like with anime. My friend has been into it for over two years and cosplays. I was into it for a while, but then I didn't care for it. I still go to the conventions becuase she's my bestfriend and she doesn't want to go alone, so I go ... but it doesn't interest me. I don't watch anime or anything anymore. I'm done with it. And you know a little while ago I said I was into One Direction? Yeah, that's over now too. It annoys the hell out of me, but ... I think that I just need to enjoy each thing while it lasts, you know? Instead of worrying about how I'm going to move onto something else, I should just enjoy what I'm interested to it's fullest and not care about later. LIke ... I should live in the moment, just like my thinking and planning (or lack there of).

But that brings me to what the am I going to do for a career? if my interests keep changing, then ... should i be focused on what I'm good at? Ah, but there's a problem. I'm not good at anything. I know that may seem dramatic, but it's true. I can't do . When ever people have expectations of me, I fail. I get stressed because I know that I will end up doing something wrong, and I fail. I am completely serious, too. I'm not good at anything and it really because ... what the hell am I going to do? I"m 18! I am going to need a job after high school ... and move out soon there after. Okay, so I'm going to graduate this May and have my high school diploma and an associates of science degree ... and I'm not going to get a bachelor's becuase I really cannot stand anymroe school. I seriously can't. It stressed me out to the point that I do the whole cutting thing. So ... no. But ... I just don't know what to do. Everytime I try to think about it, my mind is blank! Like I explained earlier ... and ugh!!!! And I keep asking my mom what to do because I can't figure it out for the life of me and I can't make important decisions because of my thinking problem!!! I'm at a loss ...

And I'm sick ... so that doesn't help things. It just gives me an excuse to eat ice cream, soup, pizza, and junk food :) Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream ... yummmm~

Anyway, things really at the moment, you know? I know many people feel the same as I do. It feels like there's nothing to live for. What's the ponit in life? Why are we alive? What's worth living for if things don't get better? Will things get better? Will things just get worse? Will I make it to 2015? Why am I numb? And on and on. So many questions that go around in my head randomly. But you know what? None of that matters. Thinking about why we're alive, what's the point in our life, and wondering if things will get better ... it matters, but it shouldn't control your life. There are some questions that don't have answers ... or at least, not yet. You just have to live one day at a time. Enjoy this one life you have because you will not get another one. You have one life, so ... what will you do with it? Will you live with regrets? Will you change and make this life you have worth living for? Or will you spend the rest of your life wondering what you could have done?

I know that change is hard. Trust me, I know. I'm still in the same place I was a year ago. I'm trying so ing hard to change my thinking into possitive thinking and to just ... live. It's hard and I know I'm going to keep going on this roller coaster of emotions for a while. I'm at a medium-high right now and I may stay here or I may go back to being really low and depressed. I just don't know. But ... that's okay because I'm going to try to live one hour at a time ... no, one minute at a time.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

       - Winston Churchill

XoXo

Jess