How can I put this..

Everytime. Literally.  Every Single Time.

 

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Incident like these happen a lot,

I literally swear to myself that I'll make her regret everything she's doing to me

'It's for your future, for your good daughter -- '

She would rant about like that

 

Telling people that I'm the best daughter she could ever wish for,

How I'm pursuing the best, studing medicine, 

How I'm very good at studying,

How medicine was all I ever wanted.

Yes,  All I ever did wanted. She wanted. To be very exact.

Few years already, that I've been enduring this endless pain, its torture.

I quit my dream, hoping I'll be able to get back on track on that in the future.

BUT THEN AGAIN. When she tells people, I react. To play as the main role of the story that she's proudly talking about.

To play as her daughter that she wishes for, as the person people wish to be, but as the one I least want to.

I used to never see myself acting it out liek that with her,

It disgusted me, playing that kind of a role in front of people to try and meet the standard of the family she wanted.

It disgusted me.

Though, this has already happened for a few years now, and I already know what role I should be putting on to not bring down the family.

Is being myself that low? Unsuitable for this family?

It disgusted me. I disgusted me.

She would be telling me what to say.

How to react to people, what to do and what to specifically emphasize to them.

Oh please, I'm not a kid. Why does she treat me like a stupid lunatic, like a 5 year old, or maybe a 3 year old?

Don't you trust me, if I'm taking this role, I'll play it well. I thought to myself.

Well, obviously, she knows my heart and desires. She knows that I don't want to follow her orders.

That's why she's giving orders.

 

Everytime, I would tell myself.

I want the world to know.

Let them know how I feel, just so they can step into my shoes. Show some empathy, maybe?

But it's never the same of how people feel. 

Because it's between me, and my mother. Me and my mother.

Just the same, I can't fully understand what someone elses family relationships are going on.

It's a feeling, that's just so hard to explain.

"Family. You know..." that's just how you always start when you talk about that word.

It's not a word, but a world.

We may all have a family, but it's different.

So don't think I'll understand what you're family is going on when you start saying: "family, you know..."

Because, I do know the feeling, but I don't. I don't know what's going on in your world.

And even in my world too.

 

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So how can I put this.. exactly

Everytime. Literally.  Every Single Time.