Normally, I wouldn't publish something like this on the internet, but I feel like maybe sharing this would be able to help some of you guys. Help in what way, I'm not sure, but I'm hoping that from reading this, you'll know how to think for yourself, protect yourself, learn when to say no, and learn what you really want. All things that people say again and again, but only now have I learned that it's true, and important.

I know AFF has some great people on here, so if anyone is reading this, and would like to comment or share their stories, I'd be happy to read them. It would help me, and many other people I'm sure, if we all had someone to connect to and relate with.

So anyway, I recently ended my first relationship after not even a full 3 months. Why? There were a lot of factors that lead to this, ones that I tried to ignore, naively thinking that if we just waited, time would solve everything for us. Boy was I wrong.

Let's start at the beginning, since that's always a nice place to start. I met this guy through a student organization (college's fancy word for "club") on campus during the first meeting. First impression, well, he was sitting in the back of the car seat while I was in shot gun. Dim lighting. Nothing exciting, just introduced myself and stuff. Found out we both came from the same city, though his area was different from mines. I guess I liked him then, but then I met him gain two weeks later, and something just happened. I really began to like him, though I can't remember talking about anything significant. I got his number, and I remember talking about piano with him, and that was it. He asked me out to dinner that week, and it was at a dining hall on campus. Wow...eating burritos, and I hate burritos. That conversation over dinner was awkward as heck. I couldn't look at him in the eye, and we had nothing to talk about except school and stuff. It got a little better when I convinced him to play some piano for me, but then again, you don't really talk when someone's playing piano. He played well though, improvising and stuff, and he sang for me a little bit. I guess I fell a little more after that.

The next Monday, we went for dinner again, and he held my hand for the first time. I was happy in that for the first time, someone actually liked me back. I was flattered. I asked him where we were as he walked me home, and he said there was intention, but not enough commitment. That we should know each other more. Okay, I could deal with that. Imagine to my surprise two days later when he asked me to be his girlfriend. In my head, I was thinking 'Okay...two days was definitely not knowing each other, but hey! He likes me!' And it wasn't like I was against moving onto official terms. I was ecstatic. So yes, we became official after knowing each other for about 3 weeks, and not really talking to each other much in between. Not that I cared, at least at that moment.

When I told my friend what happened, he said that we were moving way to fast, that being "girlfriend and boyfriend" was a big step, a big committment. I told him that it was just a title, and that things would work out. It would, wouldn't it? Again, I was wrong.

He took almost an hour to reply to my texts, and we didn't get to meet up often because of our schedules. When we did, I realized we never had anything to talk about. At first, I read it off as shyness. No, it was not shyness. It was because we really DIDN'T have ANYTHING to talk about. Other than school and his work, but seriously. Nothing. NOTHING! It frustrated me to no end. I thought he was pretty outgoing when I first met him, since he seemed to talk so well with the people in our student org. I didn't understand why he could have long conversations with others when we could barely talk over dinner with each other. I remember when we went to an after social after a meeting, and there was a girl who sat next to him, while I was on the other side. The entire dinner, he talked with that other girl, and barely said anything to me other than asking if my food was good. Really? I remember going home that night and thinking why the hell was he talking so happily with some other girl when his girlfriend was sitting on the other side of him. Seriously?

The fact that we couldn't talk or communicate frustrated me on no end. Why couldn't we find things to talk about? Why did he take forever to answer my texts? Oh, that's another thing. If he received a messsage or anything when I was with him, he would take out his phone right away and reply. What about my texts? Did he think it would work if he waited half an hour, an hour, just to answer? Really?!

Within many clubs, there is this thing where new members can sign up to get a "Big", and each Big would be paired up with a "Little". Essentially, it's like Oppa/dongsaeng, or Senpai/Kouhai. So I signed up for this program and I found out I was paired up with one of the people I was actually already well acquainted with, so that was a nice surprise. My Big absolutely spoils me, especially with his care packages and taking me out for dinner...and paying for me. He texts me all the time, and I began to notice that he texted me way more than my own boyfriend did. Was it right that my Big was in touch with me more than my own boyfriend? Did that even make sense? So I told him that I wanted him to text me more, and that it didn't have to be something important. He said okay...but it's not like the content of what he was texting me improved. It was always 'What are you doing?' 'What are you up to?' 'Are you busy?' The same over and over again. We never had those situations where we were texting up till the early morning. Even if he was texting me more, it still wasn't making me feel better.

We've talked on the phone maybe three times, all of them lasting maybe 2 hours long. But don't get me wrong, that didn't mean we were talking for 2 hours straight. This meant that we talked about school and stuff, and in between, had lots of silence. I wasted my minutes on silence. What.The.Heck. Silence. I never hated silence till that moment. It killed me, that we had nothing to talk about.

I guess it didn't help that I had to hide the fact that I was in a relationship with him from my parents. I have the typical Asian parents who always lectured me on the importance of school and how detrimental relationships would be on my education. I always blew it off, never really believing them, but after experiencing this, I know they're right. I spent way to much time worrying about the relationship rather than my work. That might explain my bad grades last quarter. Anyway, point is, he wasn't too happy that I was afraid of my parent's opinions. But really, it's not like I would have been proud of announcing him to my parents either. "Hey, Mom and Dad! Here's my boyfriend, and I'm not even in a happy relationship with him! What do you think?" But yeah, that was also another thing that bothered me, the fact that I couldn't tell my parents, or any of my family because I was afraid of the reprecussions. And maybe the fact that I was ashamed.

I was ashamed for lying behind their backs, but also of the fact that I was with him. He made me feel embarassed, embarassed that I was his girlfriend. I guess that's also another sign that this wasn't going to end well. He had the tendency to stick his hand under his shirt while eating and scratch at his skin or something. I have no idea why he did this, and I was embarassed to point it out. He did it pretty frequently, and when I introduced him to my friends, my friend told me that was the first thing she noticed about him, and that it was really distracting and inappropriate, especially if he was doing it in front of girls. I'll go more in that later. 

The point was, I was embarassed. I didn't like the way he dressed, and how he kept on wearing the same jacket every time we met. He didn't have a great sense of fashion, and he always looked like he rolled out of bed whenever we met. Did he not care how I viewed him? Did he not think I was worth the effort to even look a little nice when we met? Was I worth anything? Did I mean anything? I certainly didn't feel like it.

There was also the fact that since we had nothing to talk about, he liked to resort to intimacies. Like kissing, making out. He really liked doing that, but I didn't. My first kiss? Horrible. Nothing like the ones I imagine or write about. Let's just say it was really wet....hopefully yours went or will be much better than my first experience.

Anyway, I tried letting myself play along, hoping that maybe I would learn to like it. Needless to say, I never did. I didn't enjoy it, and I always felt forced into doing it. It didn't make it any better when he decided to stick his hands under my shirt either. This was also another sign. I hated doing these things with him, and I always felt uncomfortable during and afterwards. I didn't do anything more than kissing, and his hands never went higher than my belly button, but it I HATED it. He tried to me up top and down bottom, but I stopped him before he went to far, though he got to my arse a couple of times. Clothing was still on, but still...felt extremely uncomfortable. Again, I did not like it.

So the quarter was over, and winter break came upon us. We wouldn't be seeing each other for three weeks, and although I was a bit sad, I knew that this would break or make our relationship. The first week, I had my friends meet him. It went all right, except that he was 10 minutes late, and the thing that my friend told me about him sticking his hand under his shirt and scratching. Conversation wasn't too enlightening either, just school and work. I mostly talked to my friends while he listened in. When I asked them what they thought of him, they said he was okay. Just okay. Not great, not awesome, but okay. I think they were being nice about it too. But at least they didn't have anything too bad to say.

So after that week, I didn't see him again till the new quarter started. I found myself not really caring about him anymore, dreading that I would have to go through the next quarter with him. Our texts grew fewer in numbers, and I had a feeling that it was going to end soon. Prior to break, we both signed up for the same class, thinking it would be fun if we went to class together. This of course, was early in the relationship. We got the same lecture, but not the same discussion period. That, I was thankful for when the quarter started. Anyway, first day of the new quarter, and I go to lecture early. I don't even save him a seat because that's how badly I don't want to see him. I've realized that this is never going to work, and that I was going to end it soon. I see him walk in, but he doesn't notice me. 

The next time we officially see each other is during the first meeting of the quarter of the student org we were both in. I was responsible for greeting attendees since I was accepted on the cabinet as an intern, and I see him come in. We hug briefly, and go our own ways. I avoid him for the entire rest of the meeting, and the after social. I don't even want to sit next to him, so I sit next to my Big, and am thankful that other people sit next to me before he can. My Big knows, and pretty much the rest of the org knows that we're both dating, so he offers to switch seats. I tell him no pretty quickly, and he looks at me a little weird, thinking why I wouldn't want to sit next to my boyfriend? Rest of the night goes on, and we don't talk much, except about school with my Big. So yeah, say bye, and we go home. 

I get home around...11:30 pm, but I still have to do some reading. At around 12, he calls me and asks if I want to "chat" and his voice sounds eerily light-hearted. I tell him no, since I have reading and it's all ready late. I have to go to bed after that. "Oh...well..." "Is it something important?" "Uh, yeah, kind of." So I tell him we can talk over dinner the next day. He says okay and I hang up.

Next day, you can imagine how dinner went. Talked nothing but of school, and I couldn't meet his eyes. Once we leave the dining hall, I ask him what he wanted to talk about. He asks me how I feel about us dating for three months. I correct him and say it hasn't been three months, and say that it frustrates me that we can't find anything to talk about. He agrees, and then tells me that it won't last in the long run. So we break up. He walks me home, and only this time he doesn't walk me to my door. We hug bye, and that's it.

I can't tell you how relieved I was walking up to my room that night. That everything was over and done with. The worst relationship, and first one in my entire life, was over. I celebrated and got some cake with my suitemate. It was only later I realized that if I had taken his invitation on the phone, he would have broken up with me then.

If I wasn't mad before, I was now. How on earth did he think it was okay to break up with me over the phone? He didn't do it because I scheduled for dinner, but the fact that he was going to do it, made me angry. You didn't even treat me that well, and this was how you were going to end it? Over the dang phone? Seriously?!

You opened the door for me twice, as compared to my friends and Big who always opened doors for me. They actually talk to me and care about stuff other than my school work, and they treat me better than you ever did as my boyfriend. What the heck?!

You can imagine that this is what I've been thinking about for the past couple of days since our relationship ended. I look back and cringe. There were times that I did feel happy, but those were numbered, and mostly at the very beginning when I was still in the state of flatteredness, if that can be called a word. When I was happy that someone actually liked me back and was acting on it. Things went downhill from there.

My main point: I regret this relationship. I regret the effort and emotional input I had to give for this relationship, and it didn't even work in the end. I regret not standing up for myself and voicing my opinions. I regret not knowing at the beginning that I was jumping into things way too fast. I regret not listening to my parents or my friend, and I regret not focusing on my grades because of the relationship.

If there was one thing I could take from this, it would be that now I know what I want and don't want. I guess that's two things. 

For everyone reading out there, please take the time to really know the person before you commit to a relationship. Know that school is important, and while you're still young, that should be the first thing you prioritize in your life, before your girlfriend or boyfriend. If you do enter a relationship, know that you should always be able to talk, and that you should be comfortable with what ever you're doing. If anything feels off, then it's a sign. Don't ignore it like I did. If you want to say 'no', then say no. You should never have to sacrifice your well-being or your security. Ever. Never ever.

Also know that you should be proud of your significant other, and if there's any a time when you feel embarassed or uncomfortable, you should address that right away. Ideally, you should be happy, not worried or insecure. I felt that all the time, and I kept questioning whether or not what I was doing was right.

Be with someone who will care for you, who will open doors and pull out chairs for you. Be with someone who will make you proud and you them proud. Be with someone who will make you happy. Be with someone you can actually talk to. And most of all, be with someone who will like you for you. I certainly wasn't the best girlfriend, but let's just say he wasn't the best boyfriend either. 

Anyway, I think I'm done with this blog post, and I should really get back to my homework now. I have class tomorrow morning (even if it is at 10 am) but I should still go to sleep early. I haven't been feeling well or getting enough sleep...especially with my noisy suitemates and thin walls at my dorms T-T.

Thank you for reading this, if you made it to the end, and I hope I've helped or at least given some decent advice on relationships. Thank you, and hopefully the next time I meet you through a blog, it will be on happier terms ^^