She, the Winter by Ambizzbo

 

 

Title: 5/5

The title is definitely a thumbs up. It has a nice ring to it and it does kinda make me want to find out what the story is about. Plus, it fits your story perfectly. There’s not really much to say here. Good job.

 

Foreword and Description: 13/15

I liked the description and foreword as they were both very nicely done.  Revealed just enough and I didn’t spot any grammar/spelling errors anywhere so that’s another thumbs up for you. I just couldn’t bring myself to give you a 15 because it wasn’t exactly mind-blowing to me, and I am personally not into these kind of stories so when I see descriptions/forewords like this I simply don’t react much. No worries, it’s still quite splendid and I’m very sure that most of those who read them will instantly become attracted. It’s just slightly unfortunate how I’m usually never categorized as ‘most people’.

 

Readability: 14/15

I simply didn’t spot any grammatical/spelling errors, or maybe they were so insignificant that I didn’t notice them. The paragraphing is done quite well too. Although sometimes I do wish you’d enter a new paragraph when there’s a dialogue exchange like, if A speaks in this paragraph, then you should enter a new paragraph for B’s dialogue, because sometimes I had to re-read the paragraph in order to make sure I got it right on who was talking about this and that. It’s better to do it that way but still, how you do it is completely fine too.

 

Characterization: 12/15

Minor issue: sometimes I am kinda bugged about Minho and Sulli’s age in this story. Sometimes I actually get the feeling that Sulli is 12 and Minho is like, 20. But then I remember that Sulli did said something about her parents weren’t the caring ones that looked for monsters under the bed and all that, so I assume she’s older than 12 maybe around 16 to 18, though honestly the rest of the story don’t really picture her of the later age.

I do think that neither of them were strong enough to capture ones’ emotions. I think you should try harder in describing the characters’ feelings as I don’t really feel much for them I mean it’s not like you didn’t describe them at all, it’s just that they weren’t enough. In fact, that’s exactly what I feel for every aspect of this story – good, but not good enough. I feel like I didn’t get to know Minho well enough to actually be sad along with him when Sulli died, or to feel the things he feel. Maybe it’s because there’s not much background story, but then again, it is a (very short) oneshot so it’s quite acceptable.

 

Originality: 12/15

The ‘believe in Santa’ element is quite unique, followed strongly by Sulli’s statement on how she was healed every time it’s Christmas Eve while everything else is nothing special to me. Personally I think it’s very hard to write something entirely different, in other words, gain a perfect score. It’s simply an age factor as most writers here are generally in the same age group. The whole idea is not entirely unique but it has its own spark that differentiates it from other seemingly similar ideas so good job.

 

Plotline: 20/25

Generally, I guess I could say that I liked the plotline. I think it would’ve been better if you started off with the ending – not the donation part I mean  Sulli’s death – instead of going for the school textbook style. You know how some people start their stories with its ending and at the end when it comes to the ending – which has been revealed earlier in the earliest parts of the story – it actually leaves you re-thinking everything? And when you do re-think, that means it does leave an impact on you. I think it’s a great technique and your story could’ve been better if you used it. It’s probably because the ending – again, not the donation because I completely didn’t see that coming – was sort of predictable to me, and if you started off with the obvious, you could focus more on other aspects – the characters’ feelings would be a good example in this case. But this technique would work best for lengthier stories. And if you ever do use it tomorrow, try to distract the readers’ from remembering the ending throughout the story by pouring every last bit of story you have in your mind heart and soul, make sure to be generously descriptive of everything – not just actions, feelings too, and don’t forget, the point is to make the journey more interesting than the ending.

For this story, let’s say by the end you go like ‘so that what happened that’s how I got here she’s gone now’ well that’s what the readers’ already know right since you started off the story by telling them right? To make it more interesting you can add a sub-ending which in this case, the donation \o/

 

Structure: 6/10

I do quite adore your writing style and honestly, I like how eye-catching some of the words (adjectives mostly) were. The usage of words plays an important role in giving the story the right vibe, generally according to the story’s genre. This is where everything kinda went downhill. After re-reading everything I’ve figured that most of the words used didn’t really succeed in giving of an angst-y feeling – which are anxiety and worry. Honestly I felt like I was reading a twisted Disney fanfic like a crosspath of Cinderella at the ball and Ariel’s sad, original ending. The whole thing is like a big box half-filled with candies – the candies are good but the other half is so empty and everything is just not enough. The flow is constant throughout the story, but I still get the slight impression that you were sorta rushing through it.

 

Additional comments: I know you’re aware that your story is lacking something and you’re trying to figure out what. Like you, I’m also not entirely sure what it is. It’s almost like getting straight B’s and you just have no idea which question you got wrong. Well I hope this review helped you get the bits together in figuring it out. Also, I’d like to say sorry if any of my words in the review did got to you I swear I always try to be very nice in my reviews so yeah. Thank you for requesting and come again soon :)

 

Overall score: 82/100

 

-camomiles of triedtowalk