A Cold-Hearted Guy is My Crush by MGgirls

 

Title: 3/5

I’ve never seen a title that is exactly the same as this but it’s pretty common in a way. There are a lot of stories about an average girl and a cold-hearted guy who then realize their feelings towards each other but the thing is that they use titles that don’t tell the readers about it and the readers would have to click on it, read the description and be like ‘oh so it’s about this girl and this guy who doesn’t have emotions’, get it? The title to this story practically spelled out everything that was there in the description/foreword/whole story. There’s nothing special about it and it doesn’t really make me want to click on your story although this may differ based on personal preferences but personally, I wouldn’t. It relates to the story well. In fact, it relates so well I, for unknown reasons, I actually think it’s a bad thing. But I didn’t deduct marks for that because I didn’t have a good reason. I hope you could come up with titles that would stand out more in the future.

 

Foreword and Description: 9/15

The description was poor. There were distracting grammar mistakes and this is a big no-no when it comes to descriptions. The description – next to the title – is supposed to be the most well-done aspect in a story as it functions as a determiner. It determines whether the reader would want to continue reading your story or leave and this is very important. The sentence ‘But, will they get along and have a crush on each other?’ exposed too much. The tip is to make readers think the opposite of what they think will happen. I advice you to remove the sentence or change it to something like

They both knew that things were never going to work out. And they were not entirely wrong.

Something like that it’s just an example you can use it if you want to.

Moving on to the foreword: after I read the foreword and I was kinda confused. First of all, I really think it’s unnecessary to reveal the characters in the foreword although people on AFF do it all the time so ok I’m buying it. There were a lot of grammar mistakes. And when you revealed the plot at the end it really started to bug me. The description focuses on ‘will they fall for each other’ but the foreword focused on ‘they fell for each other but will they confess and will there be another person that will stop their love’. So basically you answered your own question from the description. Everything is just too overexposed. Try not to suggest too much on what will happen in the story when you’re writing a description/foreword. And you might want to correct these errors:

 

Error: At first, they are stranger.

Correction: At first, they were strangers.

 

Error: Afterwards, they are classmate, live in the same place, and moreover they are roommate?!

Correction: Then, they became classmates, ended up living in the same place and became roommates.

 

Error: Fight into each other.

Correction: They keep fighting with each other.

 

 

Readability: 8/15

The grammar and spelling errors were very distracting and I just couldn’t help but feel bothered by it. It’s almost like reading another version of English (if that makes sense) but the funny thing is that when I got to chapter 25 and above I actually got used to it and when I finished reading everything it really felt like I just learned something new in my life and I felt so proud of myself and  well anyways please try to re-read your sentences and if you find it sounding weird then there’s probably something wrong with your sentence structure. Re-reading your sentences/chapters can also help you minimize the number of spelling errors. I’ll correct some for you:

 

Error: After she took bath, she wore her new uniform school.

Correction: After taking a bath, she put on her new school uniform.

 

Error: ..one of the top schools in South Korean.

Correction: ..one of the top schools in South Korea.

 

Error: They wanted someone to ensure the shooting club.

Correction: They wanted someone to join the Photography Club. (I have honestly never heard of a shooting club before)

 

Error: Mr Park chuckled and waving hand to her joyful daughter.

Correction: Mrs Park chuckled and waved at her joyful daughter.

 

Error: Her classmates were laughed at her.

Correction: Her classmates laughed at her.

 

Error: Sara said while smile.

Correction: Sara said with a smile.

 

Error: No one was joined this club

Correction: No one wants to join this club.

 

Error: Why did your cheeks blushing?

Correction: Why were you blushing?

 

Error: Sara and Hoya looked against each other.

Correction: Sara and Hoya looked at each other.

 

Characterization: 7/15

I find almost every character in this story very unrealistic. I have to be honest, some of them seemed plain stupid, especially the main character. First of all, L doesn’t seem as cold-hearted as you depicted in the description. In fact, I don’t think he’s even considered cold-hearted he pretends he doesn’t care when he actually does and it seemed like it took Luna nothing to make him fall in love with her. It seemed like you were exaggerating his character. Luna kept stating what a cold-hearted person L was throughout the story and that kind of annoyed me a little. Also, the term ‘cold-hearted’ is overused in the story. Like I said, I don’t think L is really considered cold-hearted. In my opinion he’s simply a jerk.

The next character is Sara – well I definitely wouldn’t want to have a friend like her. One is when Luna didn’t have anywhere to stay Sara didn’t even bother to ask her to spend a night at her place, not even trying to help to look for a place for Luna to stay in for a while. What kind of best friend would do that and when she found out that Luna’s mother had pass away she did nothing but gave Luna a call telling her that she was sorry for not being able to attend the funeral and wished her luck on finding a place to stay at. When they got back to school, Sara didn’t even ask about Luna’s mom or house or whatever.

As for Luna, she barely even mourned for her mom the few days after her mom passed away instead she agrees to stay in the same house with 7 guys whom she barely knew, buy a new camera with who knows where she got that money from that she could have used to stay at a cheap hotel for a night or two but instead she bought a camera, and after what I assume is a week, went on a picnic with the guys, had the best time of her life and starts to fall for one of them. Also, Luna left her diary on the table where L could easily read and in it was revealed where she was going to sleep for the night – which was supposed to be a secret. Luna’s character was meant to be dumb and naive, but sometimes her idiocy is just annoying.

Honestly the only character that caught my attention for being the least idiotic was Jessica. I just wished she had a bigger role.

 

Originality: 8/15

It’s not very original. I’ve seen stories, even dramas like this out there. You should’ve altered the path a bit somewhere in the middle of the story. But I think it’s too late for that since the story had just ended.

 

Plotline: 16/25

The plotline was a little dull. There’s no spice that made me want to read more and I’m the type to get bored very easily. You started the first chapter in the worst way possible – waking up to a dream. It’s just so overused and I hope you won’t do this again in your other stories. I find most of the things happening in this story to be very movie-ish, unrealistic and illogical like it wasn’t thought of very carefully but I decided to let it go because I found out that this is your first fanfic. It’s a good experiment nevertheless. Although personally I was hoping that something terrible would happen on the final chapter that would’ve definitely created a shock effect. But most stories that end with something unhappy – I guess that’s the word for it – usually come in second parts as in sequels so although the story is completed, I’m just going to suggest a few endings that could’ve happened so you can grasp the idea of creating a less plain, predictable ending and use this technique in the future. Here are some examples:

The gangsters (you forgot about them didn’t you) end up kidnapping Luna and at the end, L realizes Luna was missing then BOOM, a sequel.

OR

Luna and L end up dating. L’s mother (you forgot about her too didn’t you) appears at the very end of the chapter and says something like “This isn’t over, son.” then BOOM, a sequel.

OR

A few years later, L and Luna got married and Luna got pregnant. Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door and Chaerin shows up then BOOM, a sequel.

So now you get the idea right? This is just one of the various techniques what I’m saying is you don’t always have to create problematic – I guess that’s the word for it – endings like the above and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a happily ever after. It’s just another way of doing it. After this experiment story, I hope you could come up with more interesting plotlines that are less predictable. I also hope you’d think just a bit more thoroughly on the events that are going to happen in this story so it would seem more believable.

 

Structure: 6/10

The paragraphing is irregular and confusing. You should make a new paragraph after a dialogue, but stay in the same paragraph if the next dialogue is said by the same person, get it? The change in POVs are stated, but sometimes you yourself get confused on who’s POV it was. For example, you stated that it was L’s POV but suddenly I see a line using a ‘he’ when referring to Luna, and the POV before L’s happens to be Luna’s. This means that you are unaware of the change of POV yourself. I think this occurred more than once in the story. I also think that the whole story went on a little too fast. L and Luna fell for each other too quickly. Infinite and Luna got used to each other too quickly. Luna got over her mother’s death way too quickly. Your chapters weren’t packed enough for the story to be written under 40 chapters. But like I said, this is your first story so I hope you can manage the flow when writing your stories in the future.

 

Additional comments: I love the background. It’s simple, cute and it gives a light vibe. It matches the poster and they suit your story very well. This story is not bad for a first time and if you write more, you will improve. Also, I would like to apologize if I sound like such a meanie and for taking like a decade to finish this review. I hope you will request from the shop again soon :)

 

Overall score: 57/100

 

-camomiles of triedtowalk