November 29th, 2013

 

​I came back from a trip a few days ago. During the tour, I met a guy. Yup, nothing happened. Which saddens me but hey, it would've been awkward if I tried to talk to him. 

A few months ago, my longest crush ended. I had a crush on Bear* for 4 years. You guys probably have crushed on someone longer than mine but anyways, after a while, I missed having a crush. I missed talking about someone who I really liked and adding him into almost very conversation; the butterflies; my heart skipping beats; heart jumping; stomach tightening when he calls my name. 

 

I've been afraid to date maybe, not to love but whenever I think of loving someone, I get this rush of fear. Philophobic is what I think it's called. Afraid of falling in love. People make fun of me for that, refusing to believe that I'm Philophobic. I mean come on, I know in books, the idea is overused but this is reality. I'm really not trying to act. 

 

I hope people could believe me someday. They think it's weird that I'm Philophobic but I have crushes. I know but I can't explain it. It's like I do think it's normal for people to have a crush but either way, I'm just a bit scared. I only get really unexplainably frightened when someone asks me out. Crush or not. I'd always say no. The feeling is like my heart wants to come out of my chest, I swear and my hands quiever, and my throat dries and my voice falters. I'm just afraid, maybe afraid to get my heart broken?

 

as cheesy as it sounds, it's all true.

 

After I gave up on Bear, Dog* comes into my life. He's older by 2 years and a few months but people look at it as 3 years as when you add 3 years to my age, that's his age but he's truly just 2 years and 6 months older. He looks like he's a year older and he's cute. Haha. Baby faced like Luhan. Yeah, something like that. And a week later, he was my crush. I was happy because I could feel all the normal symptoms of having a crush. Weird me, I enjoyed them and of course like others, at certain times, hate it. Because we get all shy when we talk to them but for me, I try my best not to make it obvious.

 

Now, from my trip, I met Panda*.He's the same age as me. We didn't get to talk but I'm sure god wanted it to be that way. Panda is good looking, even my mum thinks so. It took me. A few days to admit that I have a crush on Panda because I've never had two crushes at the same time (Celebs don't count). 

 

I don't like love triangles because someone always get hurt, no matter how you turn the love triangle around. I don't like hurting people. As much as I hate to admit though, it feels good. I hate admiting that. I feel like a but this is a blog, I want to share how I feel. I hate hurting people. This year, more than five has confessed, I'm still young, I wonder how many people more I will hurt. I always say sorry to them and I mean it. They end up hating me. If they truly liked me, they'd respect my decision.

 

when Bear found a person he liked, that's when I turned cold, and that's when I found out that it felt good rejecting people. Yes, I got mean but only for a few weeks. My best friend and I would joke around and she'd call me "Heartbreak Girl". 

 

Now, I doesnt feel that good when I reject people because I know it's wrong. It's just the Bear probably influenced me. He was called a heartbreaker at school. He was a Kingka(as some of you call), someone popular.

 

i'm over Bear now, I'm glad.

 

Today, finally after two weeks, I will get to see Dog.

 

I'm for looking for Panda, I want to befriend him. Get to know him. It's lucky we live in the same small country and I know his primary school but I'd let fate decide.

 

there's much more to my crazy life but that's all I can share :)

 

 

 

PS: Names Have Been Changed*

 

---

Hi! This is my first blog so I guess I'm gonna' update my life by blogging, not that you'd care but hey, F R E E D O M, I actually like this ehhe.