Title: (8/10)

I really like the title, you did not give the whole story away which was perfect in my opinion. That one word just attracted me to click on the story. Even though the title was just a word, mysteriously, I have never seen such a title in fanfics before. This title is unique and awesome, I love it!

However, I have to ask you something. Why is there a full stop at the back of the title? I don't find it necessary for titles to have full stop at the end of the word or phrase. Thus, I would prefer removing the full stop.

 

Description & Foreword: (5/10)

Let me just compliment the nice story graphic you have, it looks melancholy and angsty. I guess that's exactly what you wanted to depict the story. So, your graphic designer is doing a great job!

I found some sentences that were sounding awkward. Let's look at them.

Luhan is the quiet loner boy who sits alone at lunch, sits alone at the bus stop, gets picked last for everything; the boy everyone tells you to avoid at any cost.

I don't really like how you keep repeating words, it dampen the atmosphere and the readers would find it boring and draggy.

I would change it to this instead.

Edited Version: Luhan is that quiet loner boy who sits alone at lunch and at the bus stop. He is always the last one to get picked for everything, the boy which everyone tells you to avoid at any cost.

You can see that I changed how the way you wrote it. Here's a tip, writing long sentences may result in awkward-sentence structures. So I would recommend writing in a 'mix' way by having both long and short sentences.

I changed 'the' in the loner boy to 'that' as we are referring to a specific being, which is Luhan in this case. So, I would suggest using 'that' instead of 'the'.

Just because once he sees you show any kind of acknowledgement that he's there, he'll get attached to you and when he does; it'll just break your heart. 

I will not suggest using 'just' at the start of the sentence in writing so just remove 'just because' in the sentence.

Once he sees you show any kind of acknowledgement that he's there, he'll get attached to you and when he does; it'll just break your heart. 

Another factor I would like to point out in your description and foreword is the character charts for the characters. I am unhappy when an author uses character charts as it gives a feeling that you are 'lazy' in describing the characters in the story yourself. I would highly recommend that you should use the 'show not tell' method.

You are telling the readers your characters' personality now, I want you to show it in the story instead. I hope you would keep that in mind but other than that I really enjoyed reading the foreword and description.

 

Plot Originality: (10/15)

I have read many stories regarding high-school crushes and where a character suddenly left the world but I have to admit that your story which have the similar plot is the best. It is very well-written with details and feelings. I love it!

 

Believablitity: (10/10)

I can say that this story is believable because I can feel how Ginni felt. She isn't the queen of the country nor a superwoman. She is a normal school girl that falls in love too so I guess it's realistic. When Luhan did not appear after a long time (during those weeks), she described that it felt like hell to her.

I can really understand how Ginni feels because I have a crush and when he didn't see him for a long time, I feel terrible and it certainly is a living hell where I have that wish to see him immediately.

So, it's realistic! Full marks!

 

Characterization: (12/15) I really love this story despite some minor mistakes in the story!! I just loved this unexpected fact that Ginni admires Luhan and soon had a one-sided crush on him. I like her character because she doesn't listen to what the majority of the crowd says, she don't judge them just by hearing rumors. She is someone that is willing to understand this 'freak' which is known by everyone, and see if he is really weird or not.

Believe me, I am an OC (original character) 'hater' because most female leads are 'Mary-Sues' but I really like Ginni. It's a surprise and I'm sure that my influence in liking her must be the way you described this fair lady. You are great in writing!

 

Spelling & Grammar: (8/15)

I found some mistakes here and there. Let's have a look at it too.

A note she had kept closed in a little treasure box under her bed for a year, a note she had yet to have read because she had received an one set of instruction when it was given.

"Received an one set of instruction..." sounds weird. You should remove the 'an'  in the sentence as by putting it there, it would make the sentence sound funny. If it is a set, there would be some instructions thus 'instruction' should be in plural form. I removed the 'one' as it still sounded awkward and replaced it with 'a'.

Edited Version: "....she had received a set of instructions when it was given."

 "...Ginni hadn't been ready"

Breaking 'hadn't' down, it would be 'had not' and your sentence would be like this:

Original Version: "...Ginni had not been ready"

For me, I would change it from 'had not been' to 'was not' ready, the 'been' is not necessary in the sentence so just remove it.

Edited Version: "...Ginni wasn't ready"

I found a sentence which had an unneeded word which makes the sentence sound awkward.

 "...sitting at the very corner of her broken heart trying to put the shattered pieces back together like..."

I don't think that adding a 'very' would help in this scenario so just remove that.

"...sitting at the corner of her broken heart, trying to put the shattered pieces together like..."

I would also like to recommend using commas in this scenario because the sentence is too long.

 

Writing Style: (6/10)

I enjoy how you will fill the story with details, it is so vivid and I can visualise the images and scenario you were depicting about. I liked the introduction the most where you described about the scene where it was during the cherry blossom season and I can 'see' it clearly inside my head.

However, I have to say that you like to add unnecessary words when there is not a need to, like the examples I gave above.

1) "sitting at the very corner."

2) "received an one set of instructions"

I found another mistake where you added another unwanted word in the story when I was reading it.

"Her classmates didn't spare any minute or details on telling her that the first day when she stepped through the doors of her Art class."

I don't think the 'when' is fitting in this scenario so we should remove that too.

Edited Version: Her classmates did not spare any minute or details on telling her this on the first day she stepped through the doors of the Art class.

I changed some words because I prefer using them as they are of a better word choice. I notice that you like to use informal writing in your story. It's not wrong but I would suggest using formal writing in angst and sad stories where the mood and tone is very serious. For me, I always thought that informal writing are for comedy genres.

So, you should change 'didn't' to 'did not'. This is just my personal opinion as a writer though, if you don't agree with my thinking, it's fine.

Here's another example:

"Eyes everyone commented on how they much the shape resembled a cat's."

You like to use 'much' a lot. I personally find this sentence very awkwardly structured.

Edited Version: 'Eyes which made everyone comment on how it resembled a cat's.'

This would be how I write if I were you.

 

Flow: (8/10)

I love how you described what you want your readers to feel slowly. You really take it slow and start describing without any rush about finishing the story. The procedure was very smooth without any abrupt halts that disrupt the story flow. That is amazing and I have to compliment you on this. Great job!

 

Enjoyment: (9/10)

I would like to just point out this. When I am reading your story, I would normally get lost in the story as the each paragraphs in your one-shot is very long. I would suggest cutting the paragraphs into smaller ones that are easier for reading.

I really enjoyed the flashback that you wrote in the introduction, it urged me to read on to find out what happened between the OC and Luhan. Why did she cry? What was written in the letter? It's good because I would have all these thinking and would have that motivation to carry on reading. That's great because you are making the readers question themselves and continue reading to find out what happened to the couple.

 

Total: (76/100)

 

Note to Author: I have to say that your writing style is amazing, the way you control the story flow is perfect. Not too slow nor too fast, I could capture the moments at the right speed. After reading, I am very satisfied with the title that you used. I finally understood the relationship of the title and the story.

I wish that you would consider checking what you have written several times as there are words which are 'extras' that could cause sentence structure error. Read several times to find those words and remove them. Other than that, I am very pleased with the one-shot that you have written. One of the best stories which I have read this week! Thank you for requesting from The Library!

Opinions and suggestions on this review are always loved! Hope this review is helpful.

 

 

 

-exoticbabylove/Chey