HIM

Genre: romance
​Rated: no
Group: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun + OC

The capitalization is incorrect: only capitalize the first letter, not all three. Also, there is a massive lack of symbolism in this cliché title. And just by an assumption, it seems as if your story will just revolve around the romantic views of someone upon her lover. It's very obvious and unoriginal. And though it relates to your story, it does not capture my attention as it seems to unoriginal (and as stated earlier, leads me to believe that the story is reflected through the title).

 There is no foreword. For your foreword, have it written in maybe a third person perspective or take what's in your description, put it in your foreword, and describe your story briefly in the description (that's why it's called a description). 

In what is now your description, there are multiple grammar errors and phrases that would be deemed awkward in the English language (speech wise and also writing wise). There are verb tense errors as well as subject verb disagreements. It's also very cliché as it displays an overused plot line. It did not capture my attention and would therefore lead to a lack of readers (unless someone's looking for a cliché love story). At this point, I see no originality.

 I think the part where Seohyun was brought in was original, but everything else just seemed cliché and overused. The part where he breaks up, when she goes to find him and ask why, when it's shown that he's trying to do this for her own good: all of that has been overused by so many authors before you. I was hoping for a twist, which I did get with Seohyun, but other than that, everything was just too unoriginal. 

 In terms of a break up and the series of actions that happened afterwards, it was all quite realistic. Seeing as this is realistic fiction, you pulled it off rather well. But the scene with Seohyun just seemed to unrealistic, considering how there was no description or explanations as to why Kyuhyun seems to despise her so much and treat her so carelessly. Unless Kyuhyun has some rage issues or moral issues, I don't see how he could have kissed her and then not apologize, simply shoving her away.

 I could only see the cruel side of Kyuhyun and barely any of his thoughtful side. You didn't develop his character enough, as well as your main character. For your main character, I only saw how she reacted to the break up. There were no internal thoughts, no actions to show what she was like as a person. I could only see the expected reactions of a break up, which could have belonged to any old Mary Sue character. The two of them seemed unoriginal and roughly written, without any unique characteristics to them.

 I'll list down what errors I saw upon reading: lack of indenting before each new paragraph, incorrect capitalization, lack or incorrect use of punctuation, spelling errors, incorrect verb tense/form, subject-verb disagreement, awkward phrasing, incorrect word form, run-on sentences, and incorrect word use. Each sentence had at least two or three grammar or spelling errors. I suggest hiring a beta-reader; this way, you'll be able to not only correct the mistakes in your fic, but also learn from the corrections.

One thing I noticed was that you didn't even give the main character a name. I know it's an OC/you story, but you should still have given her a name, or used the setting where the reader's user name can be inserted into the place where the OC's name is set. 

I also wished that you would at least give a small flashback or scene about their relationship before the break up. That way, you could gradually ease the readers into the mindset of the characters. Everything seemed too abrupt, sudden, and unexplained. 

You also lacked description. There was barely any to describe the scene. There was no imagery, no detailed description of how she felt. You only told us what happened, you didn't show us. You only stated the obvious, and didn't describe how she felt, how he felt, what the environment was like, etc.

 The order in which things occurred was fine, but the transitions were too abrupt, as if you rushed them. The whole one-shot seemed rushed and way too fast, with so many things left unexplained. It's understandable if the fic isn't a one-shot (which, I guess is now happening). But because it was originally a one-shot, I feel as if the information is insufficient, and that may have been due to a fast paced writing session. Everything overall seemed to happen way to fast. I would suggest putting in some details, easing out the transitions, and just smoothing out the snappy language.

Enjoyment (0/5):

In all honesty, I can't say that I enjoyed your story that much. There were no engaging twists, no originality, and too many grammar and spelling errors.