It's been a while since I've been on here...

It still hasn't gotten easier...

I've honestly been trying to keep a smile upon my face, but I haven't genuienly smiled for a while. I've been crying myself to sleep at night lately, and I think this depression has gone worse. I know I shouldn't bother with people that don't seem to care about me anymore but it's hard when there were times that we were still good friends, maybe even sisters or brothers...

Now I feel like such a nuisance to everyone around me. I always feel like such a bother to everyone.

I honestly don't know how to think for myself anymore. Everyone does everything for me lately and I just feel so guilty for being such a baby (no, not a BAP Baby.)

But everyone's been listening to the one person I really can't stand and because of her, I have a bad image to everyone I try to make friends with, so I don't even bother anymore. I try to think positive but its hard when you're sitting at alone at lunch and no one's there to talk to you. I'm always on my phone and I get so many judgemental stares from everyone else.

I used to believe that I shouldn't care what people say about me, but it's getting harder and harder when people turn on their backs on you.

I've found other things to keep me happy but it's still pretty lonely. I really do want to believe in people when they say that they'll always be there but it's so hard for me to trust people. But once I do trust them, they go against my back and trash talk me.

Even one person asked for forgiveness and she still isn't doing anything about it but neither am I. But whenever we fight, I'm always the one saying sorry and taking the blame.

I really do miss talking with my old friends, but I'm always so awkward and stupid. I can't ever do anything right. I can't even finish my own fanfiction. I'm letting all my subscribers down and I want to say I'm sorry. I just lost my motivation to continue it at the moment.

The only thing that helps now is just blogging my troubles away... I guess? But then barely anyone reads this. If you are, thanks for reading and understanding my position.

I haven't been the best person and I know that. I have a bad attitude and sass a lot and I know that's what's driving so many people away but it's just a automatic reation to protect myself.

I've been crying myself to sleep and once in awhile in school. No one notices that either and I sit near all of my "friends" or once friends with.

I know I should move on, but... I don't know. I worry and care about them too much. Yet they throw me away like trash, it really does hurt the heart. I've been abandoned like that before and because of those childhood troubles that makes it so hard to trust people, I guess...

It was hard for me to make friends back in kindergarden too that my mom had to call up other kids' moms to schedule a play-date. Then in first grade I met a few awesome friends and when I came to one of their houses to play, she ditched me and went to another friend's house, but I couldn't go with her because I was still young and my parents were more strict so I ended up being left alone at her house crying. I ended up calling my parents to come pick me up.

Then after that incident, I found an awesome viet guy. He was my best friend until he moved away in 4th. Then in 5th I found another good friend, and we ended up being friends again with the one that ditched me back in 2nd grade. We're the MLM sisters (they were our first initials) We went almost everywhere together but then one of them accused me of stealing something from her. I didn't even know what I had. So she stopped talking to me and so did the other friend because she took the other's side. So I was left alone again.

So that was my friend experience in elementary school. Middle school friends just led up to my friends now... It's probably why I don't believe in the term "best friend" either. It's either sister, brother, or just friend.

So I think it's because of those friends that I have such bad trust issues and then there's my mom who also adds on to that since she told me about her bad friend stories as well. She always tells me not to trust anyone no matter what.

I grew up listening to that constantly but I want a friend I could go to when I have heart breaking problem. I don't want to keep acting like everything is ing normal when it's not!

I'm annoyed by the fact that almost everyone is ignoring me. I went out of my way for people when I shouldn't have and I now know why. The one that asked for forgiveness. I have a majority of classes with her and she's not talking to me at all. She's talking to the one person that spreaded rumors about me. Everytime I go on vacation I always bring her back a gift especially a stuff animals, the ones from disney. And things from disney is expensive.

I'm honestly frustrated and crying while writing this but I just don't know either. Everyone's telling me to change, especially the guys who liked me. I don't want anyone to like me, as a girl at least. As a friend sure, but as a girl no. I'm not worth their time. Honestly I don't think I'm worth anyone's time. They keep asking why I can't trust enough but they never ask why I should trust them or how I could trust them. The only one I could've trust so far was the one I met in 4th grade.

I'm not the type of person that could easily speak out my thoughts through words. I can't express my feelings. I can't, I just can't. And so many have brought it against me. Always saying how a bad friend I am cause I always say the wrong thing, how my personality is nothing but trash because I don't seem like I pay attention when I am, or how I'm so cold to everyone because I have such a bad attitude or just being a .

No one has asked me why I do the things I do or how I am. If they tried, I would end up pushing them away and yes I believe that's my own fault. But I want someone to at least sit me down forcefully if they have to and make me talk or let me cry out everything that's been happening.

It may seem like I don't worry about them, but they're constantly on my mind. Once they've past all my protective barriers, they're all part of my inner circle and the ones I mention earlier haven't past at all. Maybe a few but not all. At least I thought the one that asked for forgiveness did... Apparently not...

My words are always sealed away and so are my thoughts with it. I'm almost becoming a hallow shell. I've been spending all my weekends lately alone in my room or in the house just doing homework and watching random minecraft and pokemon videos. Even kpop videos haven't made me smile lately, unless it's a group I really love.... (cough cough B.A.P)

I could rant on and on about this but it's more personal problems than it may seem to be... Yet I'm so used to being such a loner lately it's kind of sad. I've sort of lost all hope to continue being friends with the others. If I try, it's almost back to square one. We're almost like strangers. They only come to me with school questions and I'm tired of it. That's not being considered a friend, at least not to me.

Yet if I post this, people from my school will probably automatically figure out it's me and complain about me again. Like I said, I could never do anything right... Not even in my own parent's eyes. I may get good grades but they consider me lazy annoying and ugly. Always complaining about how I look, how I don't do anything, how I always annoy them to go somewhere or play games. I only talk to my brothers now but they're like 6 and 9 years younger than me. That's why I want friends I could talk to and all this bad friends problem always leads up to who's more popular to listen to. It's pathetic just like me...

But I've been talking about my bad friends but I haven't talked about my good friends.

I've honestly only had two that followed me ever since kindergarden up until now. I really do appreciate them and my graditude couldn't even be measured. Those dorks have made me smile and tried to understand me in so many ways I can't even imagine why I have such good people by my side. I don't even have any classes with one of them but I love the both of them to death. They're the friends that I really do consider "best friends forever"

Then there are friends that I met along the way where I find annoying once in awhile but they know that I love them too. They make me smile to and always do the smallest gesture to keep my head up. I appreciate those good friends, but I wish I had more classes with them. The keep my smile up and I love them to the end of the world.

Those good friends are the very few that I would risk my life for, once in awhile. We do fight but those fights are always little friendly teasings.

But even with these good friends of mine, I always feel like there's so many haters in my life that it overcomes the good in my life.

I think I should end this blog up. It's getting quite lengthy. If you've read this far, thank you for reading my loneliest emotions. Hope you guys have a great night or day, depending where you live. If you're facing through the same problems, you're not alone. I'm always willing to talk things with you if you PM me or something but most importantly if you understood what I've been trying so hard to voice out, thank you.