November 18, 2013. [ Trigger warning: don’t read if you don’t really care, mainly personal rants].

It's been a while since I said I have a worst day. Because maybe, I am having the worst weeks of my life, but I'm too busy to notice that. Because I'm to focus is this stress that's building inside of me, that I forgot the sadness is really what started the pressure I'm having. Maybe it takes me to cry and breakdown, to know what I really feel.
I forget how I really feel inside, I surrounded myself with people who doesn't genuinely care, with people who pities me and gives a half-assed effort to talk to me, but I'm still so young, desperate for attention, so I take what I get. Those insincere "are you okay's" and those smiles which I'm not sure could be real or fake, I answer with an "I'm fine" and that's when I start to believe myself, how gullible I am to fool myself into thinking I'm really okay. I end up giving all these s, saying yes to all these favors, but what's the harm, right? Because I'm doing these in my own accord, in my own niceness, because I'm doing these for the people who's been kind to me. 
I love school, you see, because my classmates- no, my friends are there to smile for me, at me, because everything's alright there.
Maybe stress is more bearable than sadness.
So I choose to overlook I might be dead inside.
Because breathing doesn't mean you're alive.
Like a lifeless corpse. That's what I am.
I'm thankful for the people who treats me better than I deserve, then I'm reminded, I do have a soul. I'm blessed with these laughter and I tell myself, it's okay to be stressed, to have this tension because it gives me a reason to live. 
I distract myself with projects, activities, deadlines, meetings and chatters. Because, yes, I feel like I'm living normal. Because stress is there, there to remind me I'm human. That I exist, that I have friends to deal with this with me.

But I go home. And I realize I'm not happy. The fleeting moment where I realize all of those were lies, I feed myself with these distractions and I end up home. I ask myself.

Why do I surround myself with terrible people? No, not my classmates, or my friends. To be honest, if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here now - maybe that was too much - what I meant to say is - my friends makes me forget I'm suicidal.

But I go home and I am reminded in the first place why I become this depressive.

And can I just ing say that when your terrible, awful, unloving family treats you crap, and you end up crying- that's when you realize you're broken and you were never healed.

You know what? It's okay if I start stuttering in the middle of my english recitation or actually crack my voice in today's class. All of those are fine. But what's not fine is when your so-called family goes out oh, but before they do, the make sure you feel ing terrible and here I am, left alone. they spat about how I don't study or I don't try my best but they don't ing no half the what's up from the stress I have been taking.

Just ing stop.

I just wanna study and be a good student and let the stress kill me.

Why must you tell me that I'm worthless and I don't care about my education. 

Why am I even under the same roof as you do?

Oh, right, you're my stepfather, and apparently I "owe" my damn education to you?

No, you. It's been eight years.

Yes, I know, it's precisely eight ing years because it's my step brother's birthday today.

Guess what? I'm studying at a public school. You don't pay for my education anymore.

You know it ing how you go on and on how I live under your own rules and how I'm such a burden to you.

You ing married my mother. You knew I was her daughter.

You ing knew the responsibility and you treat me like a burden,

Take the ing responsibility.

but no, i know you're an so I will not fool myself once more.

I am not going to take this kitchen knife and stab myself just because I am tired of your crap. No, I'll prove you wrong. If I kill myself now, I'll just throw away my mom's suffering for nothing. I will live on and strive for the day I do get my own living.

But what I need now is a hug. And like I said. Like the very reason I posted this here. I just want a hug and for someone to tell me to be strong because frankly. I hadn’t had a real hug in years. Is it too much to ask someone to comfort me. Is the world that cruel, or I’m just really surrounded with these terrible people. I just hope to be with my friends and the people who genuinely care.
Not from pity. I just want you to care. Not from pity. But because you do. But cecause you are my friend and you care for me. I just want a hug and a reassurance that everything will be alright

Sorry for the bother, it’s just that, I’ve reached my limit.
Thanks for listening to my rant, I’ll go back in doing schoolwork. Even if my own parents think I don’t do them. Huh, the irony of chocking on a lifesaver. 

XX.