If you hate your parents now... do you think you won't regret it later?

I realized a lot of things... as I grow up. 

Recently... at September 09 2013, as some of you know a war broke out here in our city: Zamboanga City.

It was hard because all of us are scared, even to set foot outside the house was nerve wrecking. So we decided to stay in our house since our house was made of cement and could protect us from stray bullets. Me, my family, and some of our relatives decided to live with us since it was safer here. Not that I'm bragging or anything... but our family is much more abundant than any of my Mother's sisters/brothers. 

Let's talk about my Mother...

She is a business-minded woman and could turn something gray into greens if you know what I mean. I haven't been filial towards my mom ever since I was 5... my wisdom opened at that age when I was kicked out of the house by my mom because of a small mistake I don't understand. Ever since then... my confidence went to the lowest point of my humanity... I'll always hide away from people and sometime... I can't control my own emotion.

Idon't have anyone to lean on as my sister and I have sibling rivalry... both of us are jealous with each other. She was jealous of me because I was smart, but then I was jealous of her because of the attention my parents gave her. I don't understand why no matter how big the mistakes my sister made, my parents would easily forgive her. But when I make a single mistake... she would be mad and call me names.

At the age of 9, I was estatic because soon enough I would have a baby brother. But then... during her pregnancy, it was I whom she kept on beating and she'd hate to see me. Then soon enough, I came to hate my brother because of her. I never understood why... I wanted to care for my brother but the beatings of my mother would always come back to my memory, making me distant to my brother. Making me, the big bad sister. 

How was I to understand then? Later I found out, that they never actually planned to have me, they only planned my elder sister and my baby brother. I was the accident that brought misfortunes to my family. When I was still in the womb, her father died... when I was born, I was malnourished and they have to scrounge up money to buy me milk... while my sister was very healthy and lively. At the age of 2, my grandmother of my father side died... making them hard to live most. And then they would say... when my baby brother came, their fortune mounted up until we became a bit of abundant in everything.

I became distant when I even knew that they forgive my sister easily because they said my sister has mental deficiencies... no... I never believed them. Because I know even though my sister is like a wild child, but she is smart. Only I know that... I became even more distant.. becoming too cold more than ever... and the friend I have is the pen and notebook.

I started writing novels and making comics at the age of 10... I poured all my thoughts through writing. It helps me calm down but it never improved my relationship with my family. 

I have no problem with my father... he was always there for me and was always ready to cheer me up. But only I stayed away from him because... he was always on my mother's side, not mine. That's why I kept all the emotions within me...

But my parents always say to value your parent no matter what. I only scoff within me... I told myself: "How was I to value them when they can't value their own daughter?"

I was unwanted... that was always on my mind. 

To be frank, I only hugged my mother... I think from my memory, 4 times... till now. I'm a bit old, not that old just passed the teen age. I never understood why... my mom would beat us up for a small mistake, she call us words that weren't even true. To me, I don't care if she'd beat us... jsut don't call me stupid. She would call me 'stupid' or 'foolish' or something academically degrading. That's why I studied to show her. I don't have grades in the line of 7 in highschool and college, I would pass in flying colours. I even scrounge up to get 4th or 5th in my 2nd year then in 4th year, I managed to be in the dean's list... just to prove her, I am not foolish.

But then as the year gone by... I realized it's not my intelligence that matters to her most...

When the war broke out, I saw something that made me want to cry...

My mother taking care of her mother. The only grand parent I have.

My grandmother was already 81 and is now bedridden with lung complication and is already has a child-like syndrome. I saw my mother patiently feeding her mother with care. Then she would wash her up, giving her baths, changing her adult diaper, and even washing her up whenever she messed up her feces. 

My mother patiently wash her and would talk to her everytime whenever she has time. My other aunts would scream at my grandmother for being child-like and they would scold her. Sometimes my aunts would leave my grand mother alone with no one to feed her. Well not all my aunts, my other aunt could feed my grandmother but she too has no time because she has children to tend to and to look for money since her husband died years ago.

My mother, no matter how tired, she would seek time just to be with her mother. She would joke with her, laugh with her, and every action she could do that I haven't seen in my life. My grandmother would always call her name jsut to ask for some milk and a little of rice... and my mother would gladly feed her.

That's when I remember she said: "No matter how my mother used to hurt me when I was young, I would still care for her. Because simply she is my mother... if it wouldn't be gor her, I wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be here. That's why I'm still thankful no matter how obnoxious she is" 

I frowned as I see such an act before. My mother who was tough and usually impatient as she is... is currently patient when it comes to her her mother. An act of a child taking care of her sick mother... it's something I only see in dramas... but no, I see it in real life and my mother is being filial to her mother. 

I who doesn't shed any single tear on such a trivial act is now shedding tears as I write this blog my 42 year old mother, taking care of my 81 year-old grand mother, not because she was forced to, but she wants to. It was as though I saw something miraculous to me... something I needed to see, something for me to understand.

And I realize... all those time I was wrong. It's very hard to admit you are wrong... my mother is only acting like that because of her tiredness to scrounge up money to keep us alive and to experience a convenient life because she doesn't want us to suffer. I realized... I wasn't supposed to get angry at my mother just because I was emotional unstable... all those time I made my mother cry, kills my conscience because I remembered... I used to say I will never make my mother cry which was I ironic... I made my mom cry all those years.

 I sometimes regret all the mistakes I made but I couldn't bring myself to say I'm sorry because I was always forgiven. It's just the awkwardness after the storm... My dad would say there is no need to say your're sorry because "Love means never to say you're sorry.

Now I ask myself: "Will I be able to take care of my mother too?"

I hope I will, I hope won't forget these act I saw... I hope I will remember... I hope I will be able to bring myself to take care of her. So I too, can filial towards my mother...

because I read these words: "As we are all busy growing up, we forget... our parents are also growing old"

*credits of the picture goes to the owner* 
*credits of the phrases goes to the respective authors*