So much have happened since Saturday.

I was at work as usual still looking forward to meet my dad. But then got an SMS: "You need to come home". I've had some phone troubles, so I didn't get to read it until I was finished at work. So I called my mom since I got very worried.

My first thought is always the worst:

#1. Dad died

#2. Grandma died

#3. Someone else died ...

#x. The house burned down

#y. Something something

Etc.

I even planned how to react at the different worst case scenarios, like telling my bestest best friend who lost her dad if #1 :"Now we have one more thing in common." I tried to enjoy the music in my car as much as possible, since I had a feeling that it was bad, very bad (of course I was worried, my mom didn't want to tell me what it was).

When I got home... I got to know that my dad got killed in an motorcycle accident... It was my #1 fear (check the list).

Two days ago, on Tuesday, we moved him to the chapel. My sister saw him, I didn't. While she didn't want to have a guilty conscience (he was mad at her when she didn't choose to see other people in our family who died), I wanted the goodbye hug and the "see you soon" be my last meeting with dad.

I think it is odd to think about that there have been now-moments while he was alive. Where he could think, see, smell, react, live... In this now-moment, he can't do either of these. There was a moment where the now was that we watched TV together, walked around in Pattaya, ate ice cream, bicycled, anything. There was a time we didn't know when his time was coming. Well... Not anymore.

I feel sorry for my grandma (his mother) who lost another son last December (I remember my dad called and told me), and my two younger siblings who are 8 and 4 years old. I didn't plan to write about it here on AFF, but I am not that sad anymore, and I have an urge to let it all out. Also, in times like these, you get all religious and stuff, so I believe I will meet him again in the future. So I plan on writing a book about all the things I want to tell my dad. Like a diary, just not that personal. There are already so many things that have happened (like his death and the funeral planning) where I've been thinking:"I've gotta call dad and tell him... Oh... I can't call him..."

And a tip for everyone who knows someone who lost someone close to them: Send them a text message!! Don't be scared if you don't know what to say. Say anything. I talked about this to my friend who I mentioned earlier who also lost her dad. We really appreciated those who actually said something to us. We want the extra attention. I'm a person who generally HATES to get ANY kind of attention, but I really appreciate the message telling me that they've been thinking about me and hoping I was all right. It kinda saddens me that everyone sends messages to me through my mom and my step father. I think I'm gonna make a blog post about this, because it is that important.

It's weird. Life goes on for me as well. Watching comedy stuff and laugh (yes, it is possible)... moves on to planning the funeral and cry a little... Then pull out a joke dad would've liked and laugh a little more. (me and my sister laugh at the tiniest jokes, like it's some kind of defense)... Then put on the music he liked (like Scorpions - Wind of Change - hence the title of this blog post.. We're gonna include that song in his funeral) and cry some more... Then talking about how much we want to watch a black comedy about funerals. Uuuhm... Yeah.

I'm not looking forward to his funeral AT ALL.

Well then. See ya later alligator. My sister just put a toy gecko on my head x)