One new Message review
Review & Score
♥ Title: [3/5]
I like this title. It's simple and it does conveys how the two guys meet but it's quite a common title, having seen such titles around before.
♥ Presentation/Description/Foreword: [6/10]
Firstly, I really like the poster. It gave off the fluff feel and personally, I'd think a good background would fit well for the story, especially one of the light pastel color that Luhan might like.
The description was quite short and simply gave away most of your plotline. Considering the story line to be quite obvious from the title, I suppose that should be fine. The description length was not of a problem and easy to capture the reader's attention. I would still recommend you to leave some details out though, so the readers wouldn't start reading thinking and expecting the ending already. Since the foreword was used as your Author's section there's nothing much to say but I do note that it's your first fanfic. So far, you've been doing a good job.
♥ Grammar: [6/10]
I'm not the best when it comes to grammar but I do spot several mistakes here and there, including spelling mistakes. For example, "anxiety proned experience", as far as I know and I used google to confirm, there's no such word as 'proned'. I think that you're trying to make sure that you portray the story in past tense. That's a good thing to make sure you're consistent in your tenses, but not every past tense words needs to be added a 'd' or 'ed' . Another example is 'Agreeded'. The past tense is 'agreed' and there's no need to add in the 'ed' behind. Such mistakes can be found here and there so I suggest you to proofread through your story again when you've got the time.
Besides that, the vocab used was pretty simple and easily understood, so kudos to you for that.
♥ Plot: [10/20]
It's not my first time reading such a story, despite it being one of my first exo based fic on AFF. Your story isn't completed yet but it's quite obvious what the ending outcome would be for such a story. Becareful when you're doing up such plots. It's easy for you to just be passed off as another of such story online and might not be strong enough to capture readers attention. For your story, a few twist here and there could probably make it interesting and so since I haven't manage to see the twist yet, a 10 is what I would give.
I'll be looking forward to reading the story though.
♥ Characters: [7.5/15]
Okay genuinely, the characters aren't that well thought up. It feels as if you just gave me a bunch of perfect guys, which I know EXO probably am perfect in your eyes, but when it comes to stories, you've got to write up a character that has its flaws. So far, the flaws are tiny probably, and you don't really show them much so I can't pinpoint a lot on that. The characters seems as if theyre still in the first stage of change whereby you're still introducing them so I can't really grade them well yet and indeed, maybe through this story the characterization will improve by a lot. The switch point between the characters were clear though so that's good.
♥ Style: [18/25]
I wouldn't say I'm a huge fan of your writing style but your writing style suits such story genre a lot, so yeah it helped me to get into the story, understand it and even enjoyed the fluffiness of the story. The way you portrayed their thoughts, emotions directly is quite nice. This being my first EXO fic, I'm surprised to find myself liking it since I admit that I still do not really know them all clearly who is who.
You're also creative when it comes to how they're presented to the main character and how each of them seems to know each other yet not at the same time. I do like that and it makes me curious to find out more about what their each reaction would be like. What I think you should focus on more though would have to be portraying the situations. You focuses too much on the thoughts at times and sometimes I don't really get the feel that Luhan is bullied. Say perhaps you could elaborate more on the bullying situation, what they're doing. If you're simply focusing on the thoughts it can easily make it seem as if the character is simply over-thinking.
The font size and all chosen was pretty good (y).
♥ Flow: [5/15]
Forgive me for the low marks, but I do think you're trying to rush too much, which ended up in the bad characterization too. It's as if every chapter I'd get a new event happening. Relax there author, you can take your time introducing the characters to us, building up what they're like to get us more engrossed with each of the characters. Like what's Sehun like when he's not with his friends? Luhan, what he goes through in school instead of rushing him to appear back home. Rushing is a mistake most new authors tend to make and this could lead to a bad part for your story.
Please do take your time in pondering over the story and you seem to be basing your story off what your readers want. But that way, you'll just end up not writing your own story. Relax and just do the story the way you want and sometimes, I know you want to show a certain attribute in your chapters or story in general, rushing would make the readers overlook that particular attribute. If you need more ideas on what this part of the review means, do feel free to contact me.
♥ Originality: [5/10]
I've read a few stories that's like that before, with such plots where kingkas falls for the bullied one way or the other, so no it isn't very original. The pairing if I am not mistaken, one of my friend who's in love with exo particularly also likes this pairing so I asked and she said it's quite common. I didn't deduct much marks from that but just to warn you, since it's common, it would mean such plot could have already been overused easily between this two character to get the fluffiness.
Total score: [54.5/100]
orz I'm really sorry if I seem strict but hey you passed for a first time writer and in my opinion that's very good. I'd started off writing worse than you so yeah keep up the good work and I'm glad you asked for a review. I hope you liked the review, if you need it to be more detailed, I suppose you can just ask from me c:
orz I'm really sorry if I seem strict but hey you passed for a first time writer and in my opinion that's very good. I'd started off writing worse than you so yeah keep up the good work and I'm glad you asked for a review. I hope you liked the review, if you need it to be more detailed, I suppose you can just ask from me c:
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