Winning is never in my nature. Losing is more of my kind of thing. Winners get everything, right? I'm not a winner. It seems I've repeated myself with different words; different paintings. Yet isn't that what losers do? Pull strops and act sad, become engulfed in their own losing spree, and continue explaining why they are such losers? Losers will always be losers.

If I could speak my mind to EXO, I would firstly ask, "How does it feel to win and not lose anymore?". I can guarantee you that all winners around the world have felt like the worst losers. Imagine their lives before they even began being part of SM Entertainment. Their individual lives. Their real lives we don't know. Family deaths. Bullies. Parental illnesses. Family drama. Abuse. Pain. Sorrow. Laughter. Joy. Everything. They must have been like the rest of us teenagers all over the world- pessimistic at times yet they would have tried their very best to succeed. They must have had struggles that pushed them towards a goal. Think of the millions of teenagers worldwide (like myself) who have no goal in mind. Living a life in confusion. Whatever helped them, pushed them, motivated them, must have given them the strength to be part of SM. For the members who were hand-picked without auditions... they were probably exstatic. Unnerved. Startled. Surprised. Their feelings must have been multiplied by thousands upon thousands. That they actually had a goal. That they had finally become winners of something. That they finally had a reason to be strong and push forward. See the light in their uncertain tunnel. I'm sure this isn't the same for every single member but their feelings must have been similiar. But then after that, imagine the hardships some of them had. Moving away from their home towns, and the four members who were away from their people, their family, their country. It must have brought them harder obstacles that they struggled to overcome. SM is known for being brutal. Trainees leave easily, right? Imagine how hard it must have been for them. Then finally debuting and winning awards and getting thousands of fans worldwide... They must have been losers at one point. But look at them now. They're winners.

And it's EXO that's pretty much helping me realise that I should never expect life- I should never anticipate anything because there are millions of possibilities. Take this competition for example- there's a overwhelming chance I'm not going to win and I'm accepting that and I'm going against the odds of becoming a loser. But I accept that. I'm ready to be crowned a loser because that means there could be something better ahead of me and EXO have pretty much shown all their fans the same thing, really. 12 boys out of probably hundreds that could have easily taken their place. Beating the odds.

So, why do I need their XOXO?

I feel like if I have something from the people I love and respect, it'll give me the strength to be optimistic and look to the future with a smile and not horror. Personally, in the last two months, I've found out I have a temporary illness but it'll take a further three-four months to heal. It's not something you can relieve with medicine. The only thing that can heal it is time. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is the anxiety and depression that I'm fighting with it, too. The lingering thoughts that no one should think about, and the daily suffering I wake up to every morning. The feeling that I want to bury myself the moment I step out the house. The fear of being around people or becoming weak in front of everyone. I embarrassed myself in college. I wept so much; I was sent home in the middle of Chemistry. I missed essential lessons because I was so weak at one point. Added to that was that it was my 17th birthday at the worst point of my illness and my friends didn't bother to turn up to my quiet celebration. Fighting against my illness, I threw myself into the outside world expecting them to stand by me and help me fight it; beat it. It's a funny world. The friends I have always been there for left me. Even in the last week they've attempted to talk to me... to get advice about boys and their troubles. They've never been sympathetic. They've always shrugged it off and pretended I'm fine. When I cried hysterically and left Chemistry during that painful lesson... not one of my friends looked at me. Not one. None of them helped me. None of them even bothered to ask me if I was alright. When I didn't turn up the day after (as I was so ill at that point- physically and mentally) no one asked me about it. It's as though they all turned their backs on me. Doesn't that make me the loser? A stupid girl surrounded by people that never truly cared. A loser with a traumatic life. (I'm absolutely not over-exaggerating here. My whole family (extended family, too) were all pretty worried about me. I went through trauma and it was completely unlike me to become so weak. My dad even bought me a teddy and wrote a heartfelt message saying "You can beat this! From Dad" - something I didn't even dream he'd do. He's not the kind of person who does things like that. I feel like crying in happiness right now just thinking about it). So through this, I was a terrible loser. Aha, and recently, I got my results from my first college year. I haven't even described how anxious I was when I took those exams... obviously I couldn't beat the anxiety enough. It affected my results. Badly. That makes me such a loser.

You know the one song that always seems to give me strength at the darkest of my moments? Black Pearl. Don't get me wrong, I'm an ELF before an EXOtic, but no Super Junior song relieved me. It was like EXO gave me their hugs and kisses and the strength to beat the illnesses. Seeing them, hearing them... it's enough to distract my mind and fill my life with joy and aeygo and excitement and optimism. Then afterwards, I feel this strength overwhelm me and I feel able to cope with everything. Even if I drop down low and head for my worst again... it always seems to help uplift me. It's literally like a light. And like EXO, if they can have highs and lows like normal humans yet beat the odds and suddenly become SM Trainees and then suddenly worldwide hallyu stars, then everything isn't going to be dark, gloomy and evil for long.

Who knows, I might even become a winner.

I would like to comment that none of this is a lie, none of it over-exaggerated. This is honestly 100% true. I guess I can't prove it. So please take my word for it. To all other contestants, FIGHTING!!! :) I will gladly become a loser again if another worthy person becomes a winner xD ... actually doesn't even matter who the winner is. It's all luck at the end of the day, right? Heh. Thanks for the opportunity~