i seriously can't believe it. i just can't. gong chansik is now 20 years old. i am so done with life. although it's still the 13th here in the states, it should be the 14th there now, so i'm going to post this today. 

well, to start off...wow. two years. i know it may not be as long as others, but two years is a lot for me. for two years, i've been a bana and a fan of gong chansik, the most stupid maknae in the world. for two years, i've been spazzing over this little idiot, the seemingly shy and cold boy who turns out to be a complete dunderbutt. this boy...makes me go crazy. 

lately i've been a noodle because of kyungsoo, but now that i think about it...i don't think anyone will be able to take channie's place. i've named basically all of my belongings "channie" because of this idiot, and i wanted to name my dog "kong" because he's always wanted a dog named kong. (i'm naming it mako though lmao) 

but that's off-topic -ish. 

i just basically want to say that...i can't believe it. i am seriously in awe rn. i've told this story so many times and there are probably a lot of people who are tired of hearing my story about B1A4 and i. (it sounds like i have some sort of history with them CRY) 

well basically, 2 years ago, on august 14th, i decided to become a bana. so no, i wasn't there from the start, but that's okay. the reason why i decided to get into them was because a couple friends of mine had been spazzing over them and i didn't want to be left out (lol). i said jinyoung was my bias because i thought he was cute and everyone liked him as well. but i never really got into them in the beginning. 

but then august 14 came, the day i lost my sanity...and ovaries. (HUR)

on this day, i decided to become a bana (like i said earlier). this is actually the day of my cousin's birthday as well. coincidentally, i became a bana on gongchan's birthday. and that's where it all began. i know this sounds stupid, but i decided to call it fate, because i mean...of all days for me to become a bana, it happened to be on the birthday of a B1A4 member, which is of course, the idiot. and well, basically afterwards, i claimed gongchan as my official bias because of this sign. but i was kind of infatuated with baro because he was such a cutie back then lol 

i'm just rambling and blah, but it's hard to describe my feels rn. i'm like really really really happy because it's gongchan's birthday, but at the same time i'm sad because we aren't in the same age line anymore. he's now 20 freaking years old, and here i am, a lonely 14 year old (but in two weeks, i'll be 15 whoop) but that doesn't matter to me. 

i want to talk about gongchan, but then i feel all shy and derp haha 

well...gongchan means a lot to me. like every idol, he's my shining star, the brightest among everyone. although he's under estimated and isn't as exposed as the other members, i think he's really special. all these years i would complain about how he wouldn't have enough parts in songs, which is true. but whatever. gongchan makes me smile whenever i see him, and whenever i start to doubt my love for him, he suddenly finds a way to creep up back into my heart. not like he left in the first place. 

he just...i can't really describe it. he means the world to me. i'll support him wherever he goes and in whatever he does. maybe if he gets a girlfriend in the future, i'll be really sad, but i'll be more happy than sad because he'll have found someone to be happy with. but i don't want to think about stuff like that. 

anyway...i just...i'm seriously like baffled rn. it's just...surprising. i've never felt so commited to someone who doesn't know me. although this thought makes me sad, it doesn't make me too sad because it's like i'm a secret admirer from far away. really far away. super far away. 203948203984 miles away far. 

i'm just... I SERIOUSLY CAN'T TYPE TODAY. i keep rambling about him, but i can't speak in anyway because i seriously don't know what to say about him. this boy means everything to me. i remember when he had to get surgery a long time ago, i cried that day. i think that was the first time i've ever cried for an idol. i try not to get myself too attached to them, because i know i have little to no chances with them, but gongchan's different. he's my ultimate bias, so why wouldn't i cry? 

well...i need to end this post now because i have to clean my room. but well... i know he won't ever see this, but if he would, i would want him to know that he means the world to me and that he should never ever feel sad because there are many people, including me, who love him very very much. 

saranghae, gong chansik. and happy birthday, my <3