Story: Bless Me for I Have Sinned

Author: bananamilk23

Rated M

Genre: , Angst, One-Shot

Disclaimer: All opinions cited in this review are purely based the knowledge for criticizing purposes and no intention of bashing and/or degrading the author's work.

Title: 2/5

1. First Impression: Of course, the title caught my interest. It was something deviant, something that defies religion and faith, something that's unavoidable for someone to do.

2. Aftermath:  Why does this title have a contradicting meaning? To quote what my friend have said for this story: "I think it's too much to ask for a blessing when you know you have sinned." It should have been a worthy title to ask for forgiveness.

Graphic/Poster: 3/5

1. It was good that you made your own poster. Cool.

2. I was expecting more from your poster. Actually, I was thinking that if this has something to do with religion and/or religious statement, the one I would see something connected to the topic.

Foreword/Description: 9/15

1. Description: Catchy. Yes. Repetition was used to give emphasis of what the readers should expect to the story.

2. Foreword: I was confused with your foreword. I like the quotation at the beginning, but as I read the other details after, it was confusing.

Characterization: 5/10

There were only three characters in the story. Two main characters : Do Kyung Soo and Kim Jong In, plus the extra character (Shiwon) at the flashback.

Depth of the Character: I would tackle this since the story has a very interesting plot. Honestly, there was no concrete justification of Kyung Soo's supposed to be character. It appeared on you foreword that there was two prevailing sides for him: The Righteous Side and Emotional Side. There was no distinction for this; making him a constant character.

Jong In's character on the other hand was too exaggerating. It was as if I have seen that character in the dramas.

I would quote this part of the story:

"Kyungsoo learned that Jong In came from a broken family. He is the only child but his parents couldn’t bring him up for his father is a drunkard and only earns money from getting petty jobs in construction works while his mother is dying due to cancer of the liver and at a very young age, this details lingers on the young Jong In and couldn’t forget any single detail of it. His mother’s relatives took his mother for a medication but his father wouldn’t let him go with his mother. Unfortunate for him, he became the punching bag and stress ball of his father – receiving every blow now and then whenever his father was so high with alcohol and tastes drugs on his tongue. Jong In lived in a cruel and hard world. This hardened his heart and washes off his hope that someday, someone will care for him and love him the way he wanted to. That one day in his life, he’ll feel welcomed and loved for who he is."

It felt too unreal. I have noticed that it was to support the angst that the story was trying to appeal, but it felt like it didn't intensify the story. It created its own idea far from the supposed supporting incident with Jong In's life prior his meeting with Kyung Soo.

Over-all Characterization: (1.) It was indicated at the beginning of the story that Kyung Soo was studying Theology and Philosophy. But it was only made sure at the end that he was a priest. (2.) Kyung Soo's character being soft suits his profession; however, it was also one of the factors why his two sides (emotional and righteous) have an interchanging effect. Thus, you should have added something (maybe a character or more supporting statements/background related to his character) to give distinction to Kyung Soo's character.

Ex: If Kyung Soo was studying Theology, at what year of his seminary life this happpened? There are certain periods of their seminary life wherein they were allowed to go home. You can research on this for details that are more specific.

Grammar and Spelling: 10/30

1. Tenses of the verb: It was constantly observed that there are a lot of grammar inconsistencies for this fiction. Since it was told at the third person's point of view, expected that it will be written on past tense of the verb.

Examples:

Story: Silence lingers on his space for he have seated at the back, where least students sat.

Correction:  Silence lingered on his space for he have seated at the back, where least students sat.

2. Progressive Tenses: Since most of the parts were told at past progressive tense, the be verbs should be in past tenses too. Be careful with this.

Story: The boy’s hand is shaking hard with the knife on it and low rumblings of his chest played on Kyungsoo’s ears.

Correction: The boy’s hand was shaking hard with the knife on it and low rumblings of his chest played on Kyungsoo’s ears.

3. Punctuation Marks : Avoid unnecessary punctuation marks. Unless you are trying to change the meaning of the sentence through it.

Story: But, Kyungsoo didn’t give up.

Should be: But Kyungsoo didn’t give up

4. Redundancy: You may look at the examples here:

4.1. Story: The house is too dark, all the lights are turned off, the windows are tightly closed and even the heater is turned off, making the whole house cold and gives a haunting feeling that makes him shiver

Suggestion: The house was too dark; all lights and heaters were off, windows were tightly shut—which gave the whole house a haunted atmosphere. It gave shivers down his spine.

Note: All verbs were turned into past tense due to the time sequence of the story. You may also combine the terms that have the same action/function.

4.2. Story: On a fateful day, the retired teacher died. Jong In was left again. Kyungsoo’s parents tried to convince Jong In to live with them but he refused. Kyungsoo at his young age knew that this kid will not survive alone.

Note: Time Setting/Sequence. “On a fateful day” –Actually this could have a better impact if you cited it like this:

Suggestion: The day Jong In dreaded has finally come—he was alone again. His teacher died. Kyung Soo’s parents tried to convince him but vehemently refused to do so. Kyung Soo, despite of his young age, realized that Jong In would not survive alone.

5. Appropriate usage of Conjunctions : Clarify the usage of the word but when you don’t have something to oppose the prior statement.

Story: Kyungsoo would only peek from their window in the living room to check the new boy next door but what he could always see is a boy who always worn frown on his face.

Please know that the word BUT has three functions:

A. To suggest a contrast that is unexpected in light of the first clause: "Joey lost a fortune in the stock market, but he still seems able to live quite comfortably."

B. To suggest in an affirmative sense what the first part of the sentence implied in a negative way (sometimes replaced by on the contrary): "The club never invested foolishly, but used the services of a sage investment counselor."

C. To connect two ideas with the meaning of "with the exception of" (and then the second word takes over as subject): "Everybody but Goldenbreath is trying out for the team."

Cr: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm#but

6. Sentence Construction: This made me confused most of the time. There are inconsistencies with the subject-verb agreement and organization.

Story: He is only eight when the teacher adopted him but the teacher was already too old to take care of the kid. Instead, the innocent broken boy tries to help the old lady to survive her remaining days of her life`.

Suggestion: An old teacher adopted him when he was eight. To return the favor, the boy took care of her during her remaining days. (If this is what you suppose to mean with this two sentences.)

Plot /Originality/ Flow: 15/25

1. Some ideas are too cliché. It's as if I am watching a telenovela from TV. Like what I quoted above.

2. I had problems with the time frame of the story. Flashbacks are supposed to be flashbacks but it seemed like time stood still and did not progressed. I feel like stopping in the middle of reading and go back to start.

3. The plot is really interesting. Kyung Soo being a priest while Jong In being a star. A forbidden romance. Only a few people only dares to touch such issue but you tried. Nice one.

Bonus/Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

The title gave me the goose bumps, and how it ended. Setting aside what I noticed all over the story, I was touched with the letter that Jong In sent to Kyung Soo.

I would quote this:

“I am letting go of you now. But, at least, remember that Kim Jong In was once part of your life”.

I feel like tearing up.

Overall: 51/100

Reviewer's Note:

I did this for my friend. I like her story, don't get me wrong. She sought my opinion to beta her work in order for her to improve. bananamilk23. keep writing. It's our passion.