First of all, this is a very SERIOUS blog. (Well, I think all of you guys are used to it. I put on too much drama every midnight, lol). I just don't need (or want) to receive a message saying "Come on. Stop being a dramatic because you don't deserve it." You guys don't know how tiring to hear that all the time. Oh God yes, I'm making another DRAMATIC-Y blog about my dad and those guys who inspired me the most. Well, I don't know! I just can't stop. I gotta write while I can. At least someone knows what's up and what's down. Oh well, TEEHEE!

First off. I wrote this blog because of Law (if you guys don't know him... well, better thing to read the whole blog. loljk.) He's been an inspiration to me for almost a year now. Yuo guys know me well. I've always wanted to be an idol. I've always wanted to perform, sing or dance in front of others. I even sold my talent to CHO PD (he visited the Philippines last 2011 with Block B so...). I've always been a fan of peforming. But life had ups and downs> My dad left. My mom got (basically) re-married. I even had to lie about my age because I need to get a job for my sh*ts. I even wanted to sell my self just for the money. I've always wanted to escape my reality.

I am 16 years old who lives in the Philippines. I (basically) live alone and I (always) overnight at my friend's condo unit. That's our way of hanging out! We watch horror movies a lot and such and such lol. I have three prt-times right now... A cafe waiter, shop sales lady and ***** (oh God. I'm not dirty. Stop thinking about that ~_~). It is illegal to work as an underage here in the Philippines so I had to fake my age. Well, let's not dig up more.  

2011-(mid)2012. To be honest, I discouraged my self a lot. That's why I stopped reaching for that b*llsh*t dream of mine. I stopped dancing. I stopped singing... I STOPPED EVERYTHING! I was sent to the hospital a lot because of attempted suicide. I was suicidal. My classmates thuoght they were better off without me (Well, es. Who are you right now? Look at me and tell me that I'm a big loser >:P). I was dissed off a lot, was bullied a lot. I got suspended for two weeks because I've beaten up my classmates till they bled. I even used the money my mom lent me for my tuition. I started to change completely. I started to be someone I hated the most. I stopped school.

But after months of being a rebel, I stopped. My teachers were begging me to come back to school. I had a lot of physical fight with my mom. My Bible teacher cried in front of me when he saw my hands bleeding. I once fought with my mom. I destroyed a lot of our things and even slapped my mom. My hands were bleeding and I was crying silently. My classmate's dad was so surprised to the point that he threw a bible at me. He was so mad... I did not understood why. I thought I was doing the right thing and was just trying to be the "perfect" fit for everyone else. I did not come home for weeks... even months. I was alone for months. I was scared and scarred deeply.

I realized that I did not improve... I did not even made my self the "perfect fit". I can't even tell if I was a human. I was horrible.

So I stopped. I still don't attend classes though.

Yeah, I do have a lot of friends... they do know what I've always dreamed of and they do support me. But that's just not all that I want. I've always wanted a SOMEONE who would comfort me or feel my pain. I find my self relying on them too much already. Like, I've never done something right for them so I had to stay away for a few weeks or so. I still hangout with them. I love them so much (you guys miht now know, but I'm really f**king friendly). 

A lot of times I've driven myself crazy and even went to a mental hospital because I thought I was (crazily) sick. I visit my Doctor every now and then. Recently, I've been experiencing insomnia and (hardcore) depression. That's also the reason why I stay away with overnights and hang outs. I take medicines every day and the Doctor told me to stay away from practices and workout. But how? I could have been practicing right now instead of writing my b*llsh*ts down.

It's been almost a year since I discovered Law. That's like when I was still a rebel and recovering. 2012 was like the year for "trainee-wannabe fans" and there was not much of v/blogs about training and such. Law vlogged about STARSHIP Ent. and that's how I discovered him! I waited for more "Entertainment comapanies" vlogs and even watched his extras (that's what I call it. Let me be. PLEASE). After some months, he stopped uploading vlogs. I was stuck with watching the same (old) videos and I can even tell how much he shown us the street he's walking through. I liked it though. I challenged my self and auditioned online. Unfortunately, I became lazy after three to fice tries because they took too long to reply. Lol, I was accepted by a few but my mom wouldn't allow my to leave aaaannnnddd I'm still waiting for a friend :D

okay so... HI LAW! I know you're tired from reading and I'm gonna makes this (extra long) short.

So Hi. Hi again, Law. I've never really subscribed or something to your youtube account but, I've been (IDK what term to use) "stalking" your youtube account for a year now. I don't know if that will flatter you or what but you should be. I just... I just don't know how to approach you in twitter also! I've recently followed you on twitter (was it months now?) and I just got too scared to tweet you or even favorite your tweets. I'm a coward and I know that. I know. I know, my friend. Subbies and followers makes us happy (Like seriously? Who dislikes subbies, comments and such?!) 

I just simply enjoy your vlogs (and the streets) so I think I can call my self a "fan" now? I also enjoyed your C-clown "fanmeet" video. Like dude, you've got Barom out there! I also didn't know that Aggy is yer friend. Dude, I know something(let's skip that part. I don't need to cry). But tonight? It felt like you need someone by your side (because you just tweeted about that, obviously). No, I don't know what you mean by that. I don't even know if you need your parents by your side or a girl(...)friend to tell you things like what we do (Ugh. you do have a girlfriend, don't you? Come on ._.). But dude? you might need to communicate with friends (who truly cares) or hangout sometime :) Do whatever you want! But I'll be here supporting you all the time :) (ew, cheesy).

"You must know that sacrifices are needed" — Misa Amani (Death note) (I just got kidna into death note so.. do you mind?)

I planned to make this long but I got too tired... It's already 5:51am here in the Philippines (but I won't go to sleep). Just.. take care of your self. Don't you ever get tired of reaching for that dream :)

Someday, somehow! I'll be able to perform in front of every one just like how my idols did it. May it be in Korea or not, you'll be the first one I'll (probably) be thankful of! 

Good night, Law. Don't let bed bugs bite.

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FEATURED VIDEO 

Alrighty mighty guys. I just found out about Ryan Higa (a.k.a. Niga Higa) (well, not really because I knew him way back 2012 or something). And here! A NigaHiga full of emotion! Good morning ya'll. I'm off to work :)

TEEHEE!!!