Review – Voice this Enigma by m3gum3rs and st_ashleigh
Review – Voice this Enigma by m3gum3rs and st_ashleigh
Title: 5/5
Your title is simply gorgeous, in my opinion. It’s original and doesn’t give away too much of the story, yet still touches on the overall essence in a light and subtle way. Love it! I’m a little tempted to want to capitalize the “t” in “this”, but that’s more a matter of style and personal preference, so I’m still going to give you your well-deserved full marks.
Description/Foreword: 7/10
Your description was short and succinct; extremely simple, even. I actually quite liked the simplicity and straightforwardness you adopted for the description; the short sentences you chose to give your audience were interesting and mysterious on their own. You managed to reveal some very basic and essential premises and themes that would later be explored in your story, while also pulling back just enough so that the reader would be enticed to click the “next” button to find out more. What were the people crying about? What were these things that ‘he’ could not understand? Who was ‘he’? It isn’t easy to pull off such a condensed description well, but you managed to fulfill that, so well done.
As for the foreword, I’m personally inclined to say that it would have been preferable if you gave us a little more insight into your connection with your story. It was great that you credited the poster-maker, but I would have liked to know more about how this story came about, why you wrote it, what you’re aiming to achieve with it etc. There’s nothing “wrong” with the foreword, so to speak, it may just be that it was a little lacking, and unlike the description, it didn’t have a specific effect or anything that was credited to its conciseness.
As for mechanics, everything was fine. The only small thing I picked out was in the phrase: ‘But what’s even worse is the fact it seems…’ I would add in a ‘that’ after the word ‘fact’.
Characterization: 20/20
Your characterization skills are quite impressive. You managed to bring all the characters to life, retaining an essence of their notorious attributes as well as emphasizing the traits that add to and shape your story. I love how almost each and every character had their own distinctiveness. This was clearly the case in your presentation of Jaejoong’s many sisters. I applaud you for being able to create different and distinguishing personalities for all of them, albeit simple ones. It seemed that I was able to predict just how all of the sisters would react to a given event, and could mentally follow which girl you were writing about despite their name having temporarily slipped my mind. Even the doctor, such a small role in the larger picture of the story, had me feeling sympathetic and connected to him at some points. I would have liked a bit more emphasis on Yunho, but I trust that his character will be receiving the necessary attention and portrayal as his appearances increase. I would say the same for Jaejoong, but it seems only appropriate as he has just woken up with amnesia and an inability to understand himself and his past.
In short, your protagonists could benefit from a little more detail in depiction of character rather than their actions at the present moment, but these will most likely unfold gradually as we journey with them through the course of your story, so full marks on this section. :)
Plot/Originality: 15/20
Your plot is certainly well-planned, solid and smooth, and it’s clear that you have your ideas under control and the path of the story well-paved and established. I guess the main reason why the plot didn’t come off as gripping as it could have would be due to the pace, which is discussed in more detail in its designated section. I’m hoping that your plot will pick up in excitement as more of the romance and drama side of the main couple start to come into the foreground and play a larger role, and you’ve certainly demonstrated your ability to craft heart-wrenching scenes in elegiac expressions, so I’m staying optimistic about it.
In terms of originality, I can’t say your story is the most original in all its aspects. Car accidents and amnesia are extremely popular and widely-adopted themes, though muteness isn’t necessarily as common, so I’ll give you that one.
As a whole, it’s a little difficult to assess this section accurately at this stage, seeing as the main storyline between Jaejoong and Yunho in relation to their love and relationship is yet to unfurl. There does, however, seem to be an evident prospect of a fantastic story and plot; I hope you write and portray that as well as I am believing you will!
I’m not sure if this necessarily belongs in this section, but simply from the way the doctor speaks, it’s quite clear that you did your research before setting your pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to keys). Not many people in the fanfic community take the time out of their writing sessions to take this vital, imperative step, so well done and thank you; I applaud you for your dedication and professionalism.
Mechanics (grammar, spelling, punctuation etc.): 18/20
As far as mechanics go, it’s quite evident that you know your stuff. Most of the small mistakes I spotted were either insignificant and debatable, or a clear case of a typo or error that could easily be spotted if proofread. The most frequently seen, small errors involved commas: either misused, forgotten, or excessive.
One other persistently observed mistake will be demonstrated by example rather than explanation, as I most likely wouldn’t make sense if I tried to put it into coherent, intelligible words:
“They’ll only offer the same advice I have to offer.” He said firmly. (Incorrect)
“They’ll only offer the same advice I have to offer,” he said firmly. (Corrected)
It’s mainly a case of comma placement and incorrect capitalization, and though there were instances when dialogue was presented in the correct format, this particular grammatical error did ade throughout the majority of your story.
Other small mistakes included the muddling of commonly misused words such as then and than, its and it’s, anymore and any more, conscious and conscience etc.
Some sentences came off as peculiar upon first reading, but it soon became obvious that there were many cases where you most likely decided to alter a part of your sentence and replace a word with another and forgot to fully delete the part you wanted to substitute.
An example of this (Chapter 6):
“…before picking up the items tentatively and handing them over to him to the overly-cautious man before him.”
I’m assuming that you wanted to substitute ‘to him’ with ‘to the overly-cautious man before him’ and forgot to erase the former.
Basically, your mechanics section could be almost spot-on if you reread your writing and fixed up the easily spotted mistakes. As for the other recurring ones, they’re so straightforward and easily solved that you’ll be on your way to grammatical precision in no time!
Flow/Pace and Style: 6/10
This may be a matter of personal preference, and it most likely is, but I absolutely adore your writing style. You have a solid grasp on a wide vocabulary, and are able to incorporate beautiful, evocative words into your sentences without coming across as someone who simply “abuses the thesaurus”; well done on that. However, it is this profound range of adjectives and adverbs that renders your style vulnerable to being overly superfluous at times. Sometimes, sentences were either long or run-on, and they often fell victim to the tendency of being too heavy with description – every now and then, I got the feeling that you were trying to squeeze in too many of your expressive words, thus creating many instances where certain adjectives became redundant and took away rather than added to the sentence. As a result, some of your sentences required multiple rereads before I was able to fully grasp the simple meaning that was somehow lost within the depths of your slight “over-expression”, for lack of a better word. Nevertheless, there were certainly sentences that I reread multiple times voluntarily to take in the beauty and elegance of your word choice and prose.
The events in your story certainly flowed smoothly, each incident rolling off its former with ease and straightforwardness. The main part I’m going to be slightly picky on is the pace. To be perfectly honest, your story, as far as the first six chapters go, is moving a little too slowly. As beautiful as your writing style and expression is, even someone easily infatuated by flowery words, i.e. myself, was feeling bored. It seems that value is placed on detail, yet some irrelevant and extraneous details were perhaps given way too much emphasis, such as Jaejoong tasting the lollipop, which really could have done with a much shorter, simpler mention.
Perhaps this will change as your story progresses, but there also seems to be more focus on family than romance at this point in your story. You story is tagged as “romance”, yet I feel more emotional sentiment and attachment to Jaejoong’s family members and their forgotten past rather than his relationship with Yunho. Sure, the family reunion and different forms of love that his mother and sisters display are touching and beautiful, but they would do better by not taking up most of the story thus far, as compared to Yunho, our other protagonist, who only seems to appear in a few brief, insignificant parts. In other words, for the past six chapters, your story seems to fit under the “family drama” umbrella a bit more comfortably than a tale of romance, though, as aforementioned, that could change, with Yunho finally meeting Jaejoong at the end of Chapter 6. I understand that Jaejoong’s coma and injured state are important, but I personally believe that six extremely lengthy chapters on him lying in a hospital bed and the emotions of his family and friends made the story drag – to the point where I wondered if there was ever going to be any appearance of the “yunjae”. Frankly, even Yunho and Jaejoong’s eventual accidental encounter in the hospital didn’t really pull on my heartstrings as much as I expected it to, considering the poignant nature of their past relationship; Yunho came across as just another close friend or ex-fellow member who cared about him as a friend would. In other words, I couldn’t feel anything exceptionally romantic or tragically reminiscent of a past romance.
In conclusion, these are the points I would recommend taking some consideration into:
- Not scattering sentences with too many adjectives and adverbs that could make them too long and difficult to understand
- Less emphasis on tiny details that don’t bring significant meaning to the story
- Though some aspects are certainly important, keep the story moving with more action to avoid a sense of dragging that could potentially bore the reader
Appearance/Layout (fonts, posters etc.): 4/5
I really love your poster – it’s absolutely gorgeous. But the main point is that I believe it encapsulates your story perfectly. The grim expressions on their faces – from the sad look of resignation on Yunho’s face to the miserable indifference on Jaejoong’s sallow and gaunt one – burning photographs and faint image of a car wreckage: everything justifies your story wonderfully.
This section almost earned you full marks, but I docked one mark for your font size. This could just be me, but I found your font size too small for reading comfort. It certainly fit the overall atmosphere and mood you were creating with your storytelling, but the size made the reading process rather strenuous, almost like I had to strain my eyes to read the tiny font. I ended up enlarging my screen to 150% before I could read your story with relaxed eyes. Other than that, though, everything else was set out appropriately.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I may sound a bit odd in saying this, but I think I kind of enjoyed your story a little more for your writing style and choice of words than the actual plot. That’s not saying that your plot isn’t necessarily good, because it certainly is; the main drawback is that it did drag out and become a little stale and, well, boring, at times. Aside from the pace, though, I certainly felt emotionally attached to all of your characters, to the point where I was almost able to feel the panic, disorientation, denial, frustration and heartbreak of all the characters, almost as though I was equally as emotional as them, as though I had also endured a near-death experience of a loved one, or suffered the traumatic loss of all of my memories and my voice. Reading your fic certainly pulled me into the world of your story, experiencing every event and happening along with the characters.
Total: 82/100
Comments:
Firstly, I offer my most sincere apologies for the long wait: I am so sorry that I had to keep you hanging for so long >.< I really hope this makes up for it ;___;
Your story really is wonderful, and even if it got a little slow and boring in the slightest bit during some segments, I can see the great potential it has.
Most of the problems I mentioned in relation to style and over-expression actually applied to myself a few years back, before my English teacher told me that ‘less is more’. :) Just thought I’d share that bit of wisdom with you, because it definitely helped me a lot back then~ ;)
To me, you have great potential to write fantastic stories with a bit more tweaking here and there and some more practice and improvement, and I hope the bits of advice I provided in this review will help you in the grander scheme of things! ^^
Thank you for requesting, and thank you so much for being so patient with my turtle review speed! Good luck with rest of the story; I can tell that it’s going to be amazing! :D
Reviewer: sweetieheart2 <3
Comments