Title (4/5)

It’s a very cliché title but I liked it. It suits the story well.

Description/Foreword (2/5)

The description would usually have a small and basic outline of the story, whilst yours only had a small character description. Usually, the character description would be in the foreword. The short summary of the story that you gave me would’ve worked better as a description.

In the foreword, I know that Yiwen is a child, but the over uses of putting the letter ‘w’ in nearly everything she said was sort of annoying. Also, don’t forget to put full stops, and make sure it’s a capital ‘I’. Also, this sentence is sort of irking.

What was written: “Aww your making me blushing” i blushed
How I would’ve interpreted it: “Aww, you’re making me blush.” I said sheepishly.

Don’t mix up ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. They’re completely different. You also didn’t need to write down ‘I blushed’ after she said that he was making her blush.

Grammar/Spelling (2/15)

Your grammar and spelling aren’t all too good either. I don’t blame you, considering that English is not your first language. Honestly, I didn’t really finish reading your story because of the usage of grammar. You forget to put capital letters after full stops, question and exclamation marks. You also didn’t need to put a hyphen (-) in every sentence.

What was written: -I was reading a book about cupcakes-
-I saw Seunghyun in his home clothes-
-I began to smile at him-
How I would’ve interpreted it: I was reading a book about cupcakes when I saw Seunghyun dressed into his house clothes. I smiled at him and said…

Your spelling was alright, but the way you worded your sentences was a bit off.

What was written: “Tabi ah you already bath?” I asked him.
How I would’ve interpreted it: “Tabi-ah, did you take a bath already?” I asked. OR “Tabi-ah, did you already take a bath?” I asked.

Be careful with those mistakes, it could change the whole feel of your story and the way people think about it.

Plot (5/15)

There have been a variety of stories with a similar or the same plot. But it was good.

Characterization (4/15)

I really didn’t see much character development throughout the story. Things just lead off into unfortunate events and it got a bit messy. I didn’t really pick up how they were developing and what type of people they were.

Emotion (2/20)

I didn’t really feel moved in any point of the story. Things just lead to another.

Flow (2/5)

Things went off too fast in the story. They were all a happy family at one point, and then the mafia joined in on it (?) Why were they part of it and why did they want to kidnap Yiwen? Then, Yiwen died by a car accident. Most of this left me clueless and pretty much dazed overall.

Poster/Background (-/5)

There isn’t a proper poster or background.

Font/Spacing/Appropriate Paragraphing (4/5)

It was fine, besides the fact that there was only one sentence per line.

Thoughts:

If there was more detail and more accurate character development through the story, then I would’ve enjoyed it.

Overall enjoyment (3/10)

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. TOPBOM is one of my favourite OTP’s, but I just couldn’t find a reason to really like this story.

Received points: 28/100

R/N: Sorry it took so long! I had a lot of things to do ;A; Sorry if I was too harsh as well :c These were just my thoughts on it. Don't take it to heart.