My pastor preached that being emo is being selfish. Just then In Heaven began playing on my playlist and I was struck with a new realisation regarding that song. I thought I'll share it here, and so the song analysis of In Heaven begins.. Now, In Heaven is a song composed and written by Jaejoong and he said, "It's with sad feelings that I wrote the song."

Why? Because the song was composed for his friend who committed suicide. The lyrics go something like this:

As of right now, I can't say anything. 

The miracle of you, it all seems like a fantasy.

The last image of you seems to be locked only in my memories.

I wonder if you are watching me from somewhere.

Even if I regret, it's too late, I can't see you anymore.

The tears of the shadows of my memories are watching over that place.

I can't say those words. I really can't.

As much as you were by my side.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

Everything comes shaking back to me now.

By waiting a little more,

by wandering through my dreams,

I'm afraid I will close my eyes inside of you.

"Don't leave, don't leave.

Can't you stay by my side?"

"Lies, all lies, I can't hear anything."

"I love you, I love you."

"Can't you show me those words?"

"I love you, I love you. 

 Will you love me again?"

Time already passed like this.

I try looking for your traces, but they are erased.

The last memories of you are locked in the rim of my tears.

Just end it. End me if you're not going to be next to me.

I'm sorry, but I'll leave now, following your footsteps.

Following the road with no end, as I wander to find you, 

I'm afraid I will lose you and be sad.

"Don't leave. Don't leave. Can't you stay?"

"Lies, lies I don't hear anything."

"I love you, I love you, can't you show it?"

"I love you, I love you. I love you."

"Please come back."

The part that strikes me the most about this whole song was the whole new level of comprehension I got when I heard the statement, "Being emo is selfish." Jae's song proved that. I tried to deny the truth but in the end, even I lost to myself. Haha. 

This is going to sound like a freaking music analysis but it really isn't. At least it's going to be for this song only. Of all the songs that Jaejoong wrote, I can absolutely 100% agree with stans out there that this song is in nowhere written for Yunho. Let's read through the first stanza together okay?

As of right now, I can't say anything. 

The miracle of you, it all seems like a fantasy.

The last image of you seems to be locked only in my memories.

The first sentence intrigued me. As of right now? What is meant by as of right now? Didn't his friend pass away a few years back? What's with the phrase "as of right now"? It's then that I knew that even up till now, Jae can't process the fact that his friend is dead. No. He can't process the reason why his friend sought suicide as the only solution. 

He can't say anything in response to the death because he doesn't know what to say either. What do you say in face with such tragedy? He doesn't know how to think. He doesn't know how to feel. It all seemed like a dream to him. Meeting his friend, having all the happy times together, he can't justify how that bubbly friend of his had committed suicide. He can't comprehend. Hence Jae's last sentence: The last image of you seems to be locked only in my memories. 

Because as time passes, the person's existence on Earth is gradually forgotten. Jae probably remembered his friend for who he was before the sadness struck him. His friend was probably a really cheerful person before and that image of him (that person's smile perhaps?) that Jae was entitled to was locked in Jae's memories.

I wonder if you are watching me from somewhere.

Even if I regret, it's too late, I can't see you anymore.

The tears of the shadows of my memories are watching over that place.

When one receives a news of a sudden death of a relative or loved one, the brain probably goes into shock first, before actually experiencing the sadness and regret. Shock is clearly demonstrated in the first stanza and as shock wore off, the sadness and regret came hitting. 

"I wonder if you are watching me from somewhere?"

That sentence to me seems to be Jae's contemplation and him being skeptical towards life after death. He doesn't believe in that yet he wants to think that his friend ends up in Heaven. And then, he feels regret. He thinks he should have spent more time with the person. He thinks he should have noted the signs of depression. He wonders what he was doing at his friend's time of death. He tortures himself with the guilt that assaults him even though it is in no way his fault that his friend died. He blames himself and it threatens to chock him over. Still, Jae's never judged his friend for his decision. 

"The tears of the shadows of my memories are watching over that place."

That place? What place is he referring to? In my opinion, he's not referring to a real place in general but rather the place he reserves for his friend in his heart. He's watching over it simply translates into Jae still remembering his friend although he feels the pain and regret. Despite it, he still holds on tight to all the memories he had made with his deceased friend.

I can't say those words. I really can't.

As much as you were by my side.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

Those words.. Sounds pretty ambiguous huh? What words are he referring to? What are the words he couldn't say to him? What is so important he can't even utter it even when his friend is dead?

"As much as you were by my side."

This line gives us a clue onto what Jae's words are. Jae's grateful that his friend was beside him all along, supporting him through thick and thin. Yet, he can't say it. He can't express his feelings of gratitude and feelings of love to the person. He can't say those words not because he don't mean them but perhaps because some part of Jae can't let go. He can't accept it. He can't say goodbye.

Everything comes shaking back to me now.

By waiting a little more,

by wandering through my dreams,

I'm afraid I will close my eyes inside of you.

And then reality slaps him hard in the face and Jae's afraid he will reject it altogether. He fears the friendship can never be salvaged. He fears he will hate his friend for his decisions. He fears he can't forgive, for the taking of one's own life is a betrayal that no knife can cut deeper.

"Don't leave, don't leave.

Can't you stay by my side?"

"Lies, all lies, I can't hear anything."

"I love you, I love you."

"Can't you show me those words?"

"I love you, I love you. 

 Will you love me again?"

This is the chorus. I added the punctuation in. To me, this is perhaps the key part of the song. The key message this song seems to convey. The whole chorus seems to be a conversation and this is how it sounded like in my head.

"Don't leave, don't leave. Can't you stay by my side?"

I'm sorry. I tried. I'm sorry. I love you.

"Lies, all lies, I can't hear anything."

 I love you, I love you.

 "Can't you show me those words?"

 I love you, I love you. 

 "Will you love me again?"

Underlines are what I added into it but this perhaps is the conversation Jae had with his friend all a part of his self-conflicting thoughts upon his friend's death. In this case, it's clear that Jae's begging the person to stay with him, to not commit suicide. Perhaps the most heartbreaking sentence of the chorus is: Will you love me again?

Will you stay with me forever? Will you make all those memories with me again? Will you learn to treasure life as a whole? Will you be my friend for life?

Five words, yet they seemed to incorporate in all those feelings mentioned above. That is perhaps what struck my heart the most and sent it breaking into a million pieces.

Time already passed like this.

I try looking for your traces, but they are erased.

The last memories of you are locked in the rim of my tears.

The world soon forgets and all that's left are memories. Jae's slowly moving on in his own way and the wound that his friend left when he died is slowly healing. Don't get me wrong, Jae's still upset about his friend's death but at least now, he's free from the hatred and betrayal he initially felt. Now only the regret and loss is felt at his friend's death with the memories locked in his heart forever.

Just end it. End me if you're not going to be next to me.

I'm sorry, but I'll leave now, following your footsteps.

Following the road with no end, as I wander to find you, 

I'm afraid I will lose you and be sad.

The regret however overwhelms him and you can see that Jae's desperately trying to understand his friend. Why did he commit suicide? What led him to that decision? Jae's slowly tracing back his friend's past and feeling all those despair his friend felt at that point of time. It's kinda ironic that Jae wrote he's afraid he would lose him in the end and be sad when he had already lost his friend, no?

And the song hits the with simply the words:

"Don't leave. Don't leave. Can't you stay?"

"Lies, lies I don't hear anything."

"I love you, I love you, can't you show it?"

"I love you, I love you. I love you."

"Please come back."

 Like my previous analysis, this is probably a conversation too. However the difference here is that Jae's begging for him to come back now, and that shows acceptance to a certain degree of his friend's death.

Lastly, the song ends with the question:

"Will you love me again?"

But this time round, there's an answer to that question. Most people fail to see that but the truth is the song title basically gave away the answer to all the questions raised upon analysing the song:

"In Heaven."

Credits to: Platypizz1 for the translations of In Heaven. :D