REVIEW FOR: In His Obsessive Notebook [Scarecrow]

Reviewed by ScreamingMidget @ DIno Shop

Title [7/10]:

The title is relevant so mad props to that! I think my pet peeve as a reader is when people pick overly flashy titles (that have no tie to the plot) in order to reap in some views. BUT, even though it sounds good, I have a few doubts about the title. When one reads ‘In His Obsessive Notebook’, I think their first impression would be as you intended: a notebook that this person keeps to write down obsessions. Okay. But that’s kind of a mind trick and I don’t think, grammatically, that that’s what the title reads out as. The way it’s worded sounds like the notebook is obsessive, as in having humanlike qualities. That’s not bad, I guess that could be personification, but I don’t know if that was your intention. The way it is right now, it’s okay. But, a slight modification can transform the meaning completely. I tried to think of a few titles, and I see now you did the best you could do with those words! Suggestions: ‘In His Notebook’, ‘In His Notebook of Obsessions’, ‘His Book of Obsessions’, ‘Records of His Obsessions’.

It’s very unique. It gives off a really edgy, thriller vibe and I love that! It’s dark but also suspenseful and I think it’s absolutely awesome that you were able to pack so many feels into one title. 7 points for being unpredictable, unique, and unprecedented!

Description and Foreword [7/10]:

Okay, I absolutely love the character descriptions. I like how you gave the pictures the same black-and-white and made them all the same width. It gives off a very clean appearance and is infinitely more attractive than those overly colorful, jumbled up ones I see! A suggestion would be…maybe to have the names (like Myungsoo, You, etc.) in a different font, or slightly bigger, or just in bold/underlined. It might make it look even more organized.

To be honest, between you and me, I really hate how AFF uses ‘description’ and ‘foreword’. Like a foreword is something that another writer writes about the author’s story and I never understood why AFF would do that. I was going to suggest that you write a bit of your story in the foreword to lure in readers. But, honestly, everyone uses forewords for different reasons. The way you used it to write out your characters is common but the way you did it is *thumbs up* because you kept is short, sweet, and to the point.

It’s not that grandiose or anything so I subtracted 3 points for it not being very unique.

Plot [20/20]:

OH MY GOSH. I LOVE IT, GULL. So unique. When I look at plot, I look at how much is your own work. And this is definitely, very original.

Flow [10/15]: You could work on it a little bit. I’ve included things in the Mechanics section to help with the flow. I remembered you said this was the section you were worried most about – you did GREAT! WHY YOU WORRIED, GULL?

Characterization [18/20]:

I feel like I’ve said ‘amazing’ too much but it really is! Love the characters! Unique personalities! You captured certain elements of the originals and you morphed them completely into your characters.

Mechanics [17/20]

Chapter 1:  

·        You said he sat in annoyance…

You could modify this to say ‘He sat, a wave of annoyance washing over him, as he looked... I don’t know if the original version makes it seem like his annoyance might have to do with the way he was sitting. Or maybe I’m a bad reader! But slight modifications can help with the flow which is most important!

·        Women and the men

Women dressed….and the ignorant men… this doesn’t really have parallel structure which helps make things flow. You’re worried about the flow of your writing so I’ll suggest: women dressed… and men, ignorant and careless (or some other word)….

·        Laughing and drinking like hyenas

Drinking and laughing like hyenas.

·        It was disgusting to him.

I think this is what people call passive voice. It’s frowned upon by teachers. I know writers break the rules A LOT (I know I do) and that helps create their style but I think it might just sound better like this: it disgusted him. Your call though!

~ Good use of punctuation! Finally someone who knows how to actually use semi-colons! I don’t know how to weave them into my writing but you’re pretty pro at stuff like that.

·        It didn’t compute in his brain on how…

I think you can word this differently to make it sound smoother. His brain could not compute the stupidity of these people or their ability to call this commotion enjoyment.

·        Vacant-eyed not vacant eyed

·        The moon shone: http://grammarist.com/usage/shined-shone/

Chapter 2:

·        Gutter-like not gutter like

·        Young famine boy

I think you might have meant to say young, feminine boy. Also, two descriptive words in a row call for a comma between them. I think I noted this error previously but forgot to write it down – oops!

·        Disturbed not desturbed

Chapter 3:

·        Goddamn/goddamned not god damned– I know it looks weird but it’s just one word.

·        Finished whether you die writing it

Use of ‘whether’ means you need two things like two options so HMM I see what you’re trying to say but can I suggest you modify it to: I want this book finished even if you die writing it…

·        In the second paragraph, you used ‘I’ indicating a first person narrative but then used ‘he’ which is third person. I know you know this xD but I think that, if you were trying to show him thinking to himself, you should probably use italics or ‘…’ or something.

Chapter 4 looks really good. Or maybe I was still hung up on that gif. L is too hot for words *=*

Chapter 5

·        He did not realize he killed time yet again hoarding his mind with her essence, caring not to eat or change out of his old clothes that smelled like the horrid rain.

Okay, I love your writing style and I don’t want you to follow my suggestions if you don’t like them! But I think that your only real problem is run-on sentences. And I also think that this is your problem because you have so many good, descriptive words to use. It’s going to kill you a couple of times but try to split up these long sentences or use punctuation. Or, you can just get rid of some words altogether. Writers often write in fragments and run-ons but that is just to create an effect. Like run-ons can build anticipation and a fragment will make things seem abrupt and sudden. It loses its effect if you use it too much. So, try to rewrite some parts like…

Looking at the clock, he suppressed a groan. He had not realized that he had murdered time yet again, hoarding his mind with her essence. He had not bothered to eat or change out of his damp clothes that still reeked of polluted rain.

·        Myungsoo thinks a lot and doesn’t say much. To avoid over-describing, try to include some of his thoughts as monologue.

Chapter 6 looks good. Good use of monologue in the beginning. I liked “I always talk to you with your back facing me.” That’s exactly what I’m talking about! More of that! Love it ^-^

Chapter 7:

OMG THAT GIF. Are you trying to kill your readers? xD hahaa, I’m catching onto your secrets.

·        LOVE THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER. Really sets a mood, yo. Really does.

·        You italicize words that you want to emphasize, I understand that, but don’t overdo it! Sometimes letting powerful words blend in with the other text gives the whole thing that vibe. Or might I suggest you use an ellipsis…to…create that…effect.

·        “Veins popping, screaming till…” oh my gosh, the way you describe is amazing! Keep up the good work!

Chapter 8:

·        Oversized is a word. Substitute it for over sized.

·        GREAT DIALOGUE because you used diction well, using words that, you know, boys use. x]

Chapter 9: NO MYUNGSOO GIF!!! Ha, I’m not going to take off points for that but it saddened me. Killed my spirit, yo. Otherwise, I really liked it. I love when writers describe a voice as being raspy, light, raw, etc. because it helps me imagine it in my head.

Chapter 10 looks really good!

Chapter 11:

·        Golden rule that you should never, ever forget: Never use two or more words when one, solid word will do.

If you heed to this, your writing will look 100x better. You have good vocabulary, great diction and your style is unique. When you’re writing sentences like:

It was vacant; the streets were perfectly clear; not a single sould could be seen at all.

You’re actually using that rule. Like, ‘it was vacant’. A less experienced writer would have written, ‘It was looking empty’ or something similar to that. But apply that rule anywhere and everywhere. The reason is, ‘not a single soul could be seen at all’ is lengthy and grammatically correct but it does not have as much impact as ‘not a single soul was visible’. It’s a slight change but it freshens up your writing if you apply it consistently.

Chapter 12 is amazing. Your story is just too good for words. Ineffable. There you go. I should have used one word instead of two or more. LIVING EXAMPLES HERE. Anyway, I love it so much! The way you describe things make readers crave more. I’m fully absorbed!

Chapter 13 looks good! I didn’t know everlastingly was a word xD

Chapter 14 – 18 looks good.

·        “Is this your book?” he …

You must always use a capital letter after a quotation mark. If you use a comma before the quote, you still start the quote with a capital letter unless it’s a continuation of a spoken sentence that ended in a comma. Okay now, I’m a little confused but always remember what I said! I don’t know if it was just a mistake and you already know, but I see this mistake a lot. I can give you a link to a website written by more…coherent…people.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/

Chapter 19 looks good! In your author’s note, I think you meant Myungsoo and not Myunsoo (I don’t know any Myunsoo’s ha so I might be wrong) but that’s all. I liked all the dialogue near the end. I’m happily you made them stammer and stutter, because it shows their emotions.

Chapters 20 and 21 look great! I think you improved greatly as you were writing this story! I’m so proud of you, friend ^-^ I can’t imagine writing all these chapters and still ready to pounce onto another story! I only wrote two chapters for mine and I’m drained xD You have stamina! And incredible style!

 

Appearance [8/10]:

I think the poster looked great. It didn’t actually include a notebook but the face L was making – mad props for using that picture. The sentence in the poster should have a period at the end, before the last quotation marks. It has a dark, mysterious vibe that suits the story well!

Bonus [5/5]:

I try to be nice to everyone but when I compliment someone, I’m always genuine about it. Your writing really is spectacular and I know you’ll be an esteemed writer here one day so…I’ve been a little too sweet to you, huh? Don’t forget the little people!

OMG no one said there would be math.

Total: [92/100]