Happy, cheerful and thoughtful. I guess those are words that could be used to describe me.
Or at least the me that you all know.

In truth, I’m far from any of these things.
I’m not happy, I sometimes wish I could disappear never to be found again. I want to give up on everything.
I want to go back to a time where life wasn’t so hard. But there is no time like that.
Not for me. All that life’s thrown at me is illness, bullying and depression.

I can’t remember a time I didn’t wish for something. A time I was happy with the way my life was.
 

There’s nothing for me to cling onto. There’s no happiness that reminds me things will be better. No promise of safety and love.
I sound like a stupid child. Like I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I sound like a spoilt brat who wants attention.

But I have no one to talk to. No one who understands.
I want to reach out to someone close, but everyone is so far out of grasp.
I want to scream and shout. But the words don’t reach anyone. They’re lost in the silence that surrounds me, and by the time I’ve found what to say there’s no one there to hear.

I want to say that it’s okay.
That one day I’ll make it through the pain. I want to be able to smile like they do, but I have nothing to smile about.

Maybe I should slip away.
Maybe I should tell everyone goodbye and disappear in my own way.
I’m too scared to let go but I’m terrified of going on.

Maybe if I stay here a little longer in the numbing pain, someone will find me.