It's hard to realize that people can love the bad things about you, too.

I grew up with a mother that constantly made me feel not good enough. Well, not just a mother, a "family", really. I grew up constantly in this swirling sphere of hate, and in such sphere, I was taught to hate, not to love, and I was taught that bad traits would never be liked or appreciated.

It's hard changing what you grew up with, what knowledge -if it's even that, that soaked into your bones that your parents kept constantly dipped in. Maybe it was by mistake. Maybe it was perciful. Maybe their bones are still soaking in that puddle. I do not know.

I know that because of what is now in me that I face a lot of problems. It must sound so stupid to a lot of you. Just me repeating what's wrong with me. Just me wearing a sign asking for help. Just me asking for someone to try not to get annoyed when I get paranoid, or ask for a friendship to end, or say I have nothing to say or that I just want to leave or cry or that I ing hate people. 

I wasn't raised right. And it's going to take a lifetime to fix.

When I see people who are harsh, blunt, sarcastic, etc have a group of friends that love and support them I get jealous. Completely. I try to understand -I try to make sense of it. Thinking from the perspective of how I was raised, I would say "how can such an ugly person have friends?", and upon thinking that, I'll look at myself. And hate, feel disgusted, think of everything I've ever done wrong and everything I can fix to make myself better. Maybe, I'm not as good as them. Maybe, I'll never be.

One day a person said I was rude for not wanting to date this one person. My reasons for said rejection was that the person was too hyperactive and clingy for my tastes, and the person(that one that called me rude) told me that I should love a person for all their traits and everything about them, even if they're annoying, they're a human and they're beautiful.

I bet no one reading this can imagine the shock, realization, whatever you'd like to label to it, that it gave me.

You can love bad things about people?

People can love bad things about others?

People can love bad things about...me?

It was the first lather of soap on my dirtied bones -the first wrench and turn that squeezed out the ignorance and hate that filled me. Although, months later, I still cannot pull myself fully to believe what they said and act on that thought, I know it's possible. I hope it is. Otherwise, what chance do I have to ever have friends, or a husband or children. 

I'm too weak for friends, or for family. I'm too messed up, and yet it's all I dream about. Being loved or loving someone. 

I hope people realize how lucky they are to feel comfortable in their own skin. I hope people realize how lucky they are to be yelled at by someone and be able to not want to sob and say sorry for disappointing them. I hope people realize how strong they are, cause I'm not, and I wish in every bit of my body that I could be.