The College Boy and the Would-Be President by oneoftheboys

Story Title: The College Boy and the Would-Be President
Story Author: oneoftheboys
Reviewer: -kaara

Title (4/5)

Well now, I don’t think I’ll ever escape myself from freakishly long titles such as yours and a few others. I have to admit, you did a great job in masking the darkness of the storyline behind the ever subtle headline that may or may not attract readers. Theoretically, most readers prefer their stories to have shorter and much meaningful titles— this way, it is easier for them to remember and get excited over it. In retrospect, longer titles are such an eyesore that readers might look away as soon as they see it. Above all, it is dull; no explanation of the story whatsoever.

However, in contrast with my criticism on how long your title is, I find it alluring in a sense. Some readers who are curious enough will unsuspectingly click on it to find the real meaning; because your title explains nothing. Readers might also wonder who the ‘college boy’ is or the ‘would-be president’— who’s the protagonist, antagonist and all that jazz. I find that raising curiosity in readers is an ability to be envied. It is clever, because it hides the masterpiece you’ve constructed and that is one quality I adore.

Even if titles are supposed to attract readers with fancy words that they will find unique, I think yours is amazing. You managed to deceive many readers as your title seemed innocent yet the contents are anything but normal college life or a simple dream to become president. Good job!

Description and Foreword (9/10)

To be honest, I’ve never seen a subtle yet intriguing Description in my whole while of reviewing. Yours is very short and, like the title, does not explain much but the readers have taken a step closer to know the characters. In the description alone, we now that the ‘would-be president’ is Minho, while we are also given a small insight of his life and backstory; sympathize and get all the more intrigued to find out how he will realize his dreams when he is willing to forget himself being gay.

The readers also has the opportunity to know that Taemin is the implied ‘college boy’ from the title, but when you depicted him as though he is the very dark being that holds Minho back from realizing his dreams, the readers are in your grasp. You’ve managed to completely mesmerize me, a reader, to further indulge into your story with that ridiculously shot description. Normally, I would have disliked unsatisfying descriptions such as yours for I prefer longer ones that do not reveal as much as it is supposed to. But you changed my perspective and I think you did great in writing the description.

There won’t be any points for your Foreword, though, so I guess you get a boost from your well-written Description!

Appearance (5/5)

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” As clichéd as it sounds, I know the quotation is applicable to the deceitful front you’ve put up in your story. You even admitted yourself that the poster and background layout was all but a mask to conceal the true genre of your fic, and you really amaze me because it worked really well! If I hadn’t known that the story has a dark, psychological element to it, I would have blindly believed that your story is just another one of those college-life romances— I pretty much blame your excellent choice in creating that bright mask of a poster.

Although the background and poster stung my eyes because the baby blue of the graphics were too blinding, I still liked how neat everything is, especially your writing style. The paragraphs are all evenly spaced though I wish you could have used other fonts to catch the readers’ attention. I would really appreciate it if you used a different style of wordings because I am one of those rare readers who get tired of the original Arial font.

Nonetheless, I am very happy with this section (despite the fact that you managed to trick me with the happy-atmosphere poster) and I can say that you have great potential in drawing readers in as well as tell an amazing story.

Plot (14/15)

In general, I couldn’t really grasp the idea of your story. It seemed to me as though you were stalling (which you probably weren’t but it’s just in my perspective) in trying to deliver the real message. Don’t get me wrong, though. Your story was twisted and I know it’s what you intend to do; to trap readers in a psychological thriller. It was good, really, and it’s very rare to find aspiring authors like that. However, it may be a problem to some.

Like me, I felt like I was manipulated as the story progressed and though it is a good thing, I find that I could no longer separate the storyline from the real plot. For example, some authors tend to narrate about the characters’ side story and maybe some other characters may jump in to further mess up the readers’ minds. Consequently, this results into a sense of confusion as the readers can not differentiate the real message of the story because of the countless efforts of side-tracking just to make the fiction more sophisticated. Normally, this would have ticked me off because of the author’s lack of relation. But as I devoured into your story with intense curiosity, I finally managed to make sense of things.

It was a really clever tactic of yours to actually start it off with Minho wanting to attend college like a ‘normal’ student and realize his ambition. But then Taemin— another mystery, which is to say that the readers would constantly be wary of him about his real role in the story— decides to enter his life and whole story seemed to be taking shape, unbeknownst to us readers. All along, you were actually telling us how Taemin is searching for the person he wants revenge on and Minho is his target; we never saw it coming until the very end!

You’ve managed to construct a seamless, twisted plot that did not alter the real storyline. It was great, and I do think that you should set your plot skills as an example to other aspiring authors on the site.

Originality (15/15)

This story of yours is a masterpiece, and your originality is on of the main reasons why I find it having potential and is appealing. From the way you deceived the readers with the posters and the description to the entire manipulative plot. I can say that your story is a success. Originality is one of the most powerful and crucial elements in pulling readers into your story and having them stick to you like glue. Although the revelation on how Boa was the trigger to everything— from Jaejoong’s death to Taemin’s sworn revenge on Minho— felt all the more clichéd, but it still looked genuine.

That particular plot has been so overused that I think I’d stab myself whenever someone makes use of that kind of drama in their stories. However, you’ve seriously nailed the concept by alternating the plot and pushing it back, making it insignificant. You went on to focus more on Minho and Taemin’s strange relationship and how the former is very wary of the younger. It was a great feign and though the core was because of Boa’s ‘scandal’ with Yunho, you’ve twisted the story as if it was never even about a love triangle. It was amazingly hidden that I felt frustrated because I couldn’t see it coming until it was right under my nose.

The story was well- written, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more original psychological piece than yours!

Grammar (19/20)

First of all, I really like how you expand on the smallest details and descriptions such as the role of a taxi driver and the atmosphere during the drive. It really sets the whole scene perfectly and albeit realistic, readers can understand and picture the scene well. Being descriptive is one of the key policies I look for in an author to see if their command of English and vocabulary is broad and used well.

Other than that, your grammar mistakes were not many— not too much of evident errors that confuse readers. This is good and I am happy to just point out a few which revolves around inaccurate use of words and failure in writing proper words:

[Chapter 3] ‘… Around two and a half weeks later…’ – (initially, you inserted ‘week’ after the word ‘two’ and this is wrong in the use of proper grammar. If what you are trying to deliver is 18 days the least then you should not put ‘two week and a half weeks…’ The more appropriate way of saying it is the one above.)

[Chapter 3] “Not at my university, at least.” – (Even if it is in a conversational sentence, I must point out that shortening words do not apply anywhere. It is always more mature to write a word in full spelling to reduce the confusion in some readers.)

All in all, I am very satisfied of how you executed the story with your wide range of grammar skills. It really soothes the eyes when there aren’t many mistakes jumping through the screen and irritate the readers.

Your writing style is not too complex; it is simple and it shows the professionalism in your wirting and I hope you keep this up in your future stories! Just be sure to always check your chapters before posting to lessen the possible errors.

Flow (10/10)

Undoubtedly, the flow of your story was carried out very well. I really admire how the story seems so carefully made with calculations and plotting that fit every chapter that I begin to think you planned it from the very start. Despite the twists and turns regarding Minho suspecting Taemin of something and the younger’ inner conflicts that may or may not confuse readers, it was executed with precision and everything came to light on the end.

The story clicked into place and doesn’t look too rushed or too slow. The pace was a standardized one and very suitable for a psychological element. As I’ve said before, everything felt like it was scripted to happen and the ending was quite satisfying for my taste, though I wonder what would happen to Minho next with Taemin and Jaejoong in the after-world. It all seems so mysterious and it just gnawed on my insides to actually want to find out the next segment of the story. But it ended with a very appropriate cliff-hanger, one where the readers have already grasped the message of the story and can fend off on their own— to imagine the possible outcomes in that last scene. Nevertheless, you receive full points for a well-planned story and amazing accuracy in narrating.

Characterization (9/10)

In order to produce high quality characters in a story, one must apply these three elements: Description, Development and Depth. Through my observations, your characters were very realistic and it seemed as though you’ve really brought them to life with the amazing way you describe their physical traits and inner thoughts. You also go great lengths to produce characters with different backgrounds and conflicts that they are perfectly in-depth. To create such characters means that you have potential in the writing field and that is admirable.

However, I couldn’t really grasp the relationship between Minho, Taemin and Minho’s parents. To me, it wasn’t that the storyline and explanation on them were insufficient; it was the development period of the characters that seemed to be put off. The first thing that I realized when I finished reading your story was that you never really gave Minho a chance to prove his uality problem to the readers. I find that really strange— it was either you forgot or the fact that Minho has already turned a new leaf, being in a new place and all— because being attracted to the opposite gender is a habit one may never break; it’s in his own desires. Even you admitted yourself that you regretted not making any room for character development, so it’s alright. At least you’ve noticed your mistake so I hope you’ll do better for your future stories.

Character development is crucial and plays an important role in attracting readers to your story. If you go too fast by suddenly changing their emotions in one chapter to another, then your story is a tangled mess of loopholes and such. But if you are too slow, then that would bore the readers to an extent that they quit on trying to understand the characters and consequently leave the story. So the most ideal pace to develop your character’s personality and emotions is a steady one— where you consider the right time and the right scenes to enhance the character.

Overall Enjoyment (10/10)

Surprisingly enough, I really enjoyed myself wholeheartedly as I read your story. To be honest, I am not much of a 2Min fan as I think they are one of those couples forced on each other by the company. But you managed to change my mind with this incredibly written story you’ve created.

First of all, you really made me fall in love with your writing style that just captivated me in the first chapter. I was in awe at the wide knowledge of vocabulary you used when you described the atmosphere and mysterious scene in Chapter One. To me, only a few people can manage to blow me away on the first chapter but when it came to your story, I was quick to digress.

In addition, the plot twists were executed at all the right times that, as I’ve said before, looked planned and precise. Who would have thought that the reason Taemin had so many pictures of Boa in his room was because he wanted her back— to be with his brother and start a family and they will live in harmony and peace together? The first time he attacked her, I got really suspicious when the above scene came in the later chapters and slowly everything made sense. It was really amazing how well you produced the story with different plots overlapping but merging into one true plot that is believable and shocking.

Continue to have the element of surprise as you write your other stories, because you really nailed that concept!

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The College Boy and the Would-Be President by oneoftheboys

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