Ah~ I'm so sorry. I forgot to put in which chapter they are from. T^T But they go in order... I hope... But if you wrote it on Microsft Word or something, I think if you press Ctrl + F, and type in the sentence,  you could quickly locate everything. :D

They are only minor mistakes, typos or punctuation problems. 

But anyway, here I go:

 

Changed: 'He flipped onto his back with a loud thump and an angonized groan.'

Reason: It just makes sense that way, don't you think? He flipped onto his back - and the following things happened - a loud thump and an angonized groan. It's like you are listing the things that happened to him. 

Changed: '...couple creases Bom had just created after laying on her pillow.'

Reason: I think it's a typo. Though 'aft' is a word meaning 'At, near, or toward the stern of a ship or tail of an aircraft.' Credits to Google for the definition. XP Mwahaha. 

Changed: '"Ne." My heartbeat was drubbing in my head, rattling my brain and...'

Reason: After a full stop, there's a capital letter. 

Changed: 'One day, Minhyuk and I went to check up on everything.' 

Reason: Say the sentence without a comma, then say it again with the comma (a short pause). Doesn't it sound better and give a better effect with the comma? ... unless it's only me who thinks so...T^T

Changed: '... take a shower and go to sleep. Boom! My day's over then.'

Reason: Missing punctuation? With the exclamation mark, it just makes it flow better and the short stop of 'Boom!' just makes it feel... I don't know. But it makes it feel like more of an impact? Boom! 

Changed: 'Minhyuk wasn't too bad to live with actually. I was the one who cooked in the bouse but he ... ' 

OR 

Leave it the way it is. :D 

Reason: Okay, this isn't really a mistake but I think a full stop would give the readers a second to think about how Minhyuk wasn't too bad to live with, or to let the 'actually' sink in. But it's not really a mistake, so I think it's okay to leave it if you want to. 

Changed: '... area. "Oh, but I might..." I muttered as he approached the table.'

Reason: ... I'm not sure how to explain this but... Don't you pause a bit when you say 'Oh' in a sentence? Like: 'Where's the candy?' 'Oh, the candy is in the jar.'  

Changed: '...There goes another generation of potential," he shrugged and then walked away. 

Reason: I've checked some random novels and I have confirmed it since I wasn't actually sure. 'A comma goes after someone is done talking, not a full stop even tough the sentence is finished; IF the person does an action after. T^T Sorry for my bad explanation. So... some examples of when you need the comma. 

e.g. "Unicorns fly around on magical rainbows," cried the child. [She has done an action after saying what she wanted to say, or it's explain how she has said the sentence - in this case, she 'cried' it out.]

But when you don't need the comma...

e.g. As she watched the show, the child cried: "Unicorns fly around on magical rainbows." So, you don't need to say anything more since you've alreadys stated how she's said it and that's the end of it completely, so you put a full stop. 

There's also another confusing way where you don't need the comma. 

e.g. "It's raining, please get your umbrella," the boy's mother told him. "No! I don't want to!" he yelled. 

"You have to, you'll get wet." 

"But I'm strong enough! Don't baby me!"

"You're going to get sick." 

"I don't care!"

"Please, take out your umbrella." 

"No!" 

People would assume which person is talking. The mother is the one who is telling the other person to get the umbrella and the child is the one yelling. I don't use this much since I don't want to confuse my readers but I think it can sound good if used well. 

I'm not sure if I explain everything right so yea... but anyway... 

Changed: '...you are you ! You're breathing aren't you?! I attempted to sit up from the red stone table which jutted into my back as I attempted sit up but my muscles were so wound up and I was shivering so badly that I could barely move! 

Reason: Firstly,  was stupid enough to only screenshot the mistake and not the rest of the sentence so my change to the first sentence may not make sense anymore. 

The next sentence was a bit repeated as you told your readers that he sat up from the table twice in one sentence and the last part sounded a bit weird so I've editted the whole sentence. I've made his 'slight' shivering into 'badly' shivering because it makes it sound more like he's in a really bad situation. 

Changed: 'His voice was kind of shaky; he gulped. And Then, the hands contricted my throat causing me to choke for air. He threw my neck out with a piercing agony that shocked my body into paralysis. No, my eyes didn't close. My heart isn't beating. He snapped my neck. Oh That son of a !' 

Reason: As I said in the review, the semicolon connects two different ideas without 'and'. 'His voice was kind of shaky' and 'He gulped' are two different ideas, right? One is talking about his voice, the other is an action he is doing. 

I got rid of the 'and' at the start of the next sentence since I thought it was a bit unnecesary. I chopped up the sentence a bit as well. Short, snappy sentences with lots of emotion give off a bigger effect than long winding sentences. But not all the time. I find it works well in genres such as horror or when there's lots of violence or action. 

e.g. Something pounded menacingly in the top of my car. I gasped, tears streaming from my eyes. Not now. I wasn't ready to die. Not yet. Boom! A loud sound echoed down the pitch black tunnel. The lights flickered. The thunder roared. I screamed. 

Something that sounded dangerous pounded the top of my black Porsche car menacingly. I gasped in horror as tears streamed down my eyes from fear. I wasn't ready to die now because I was too young. A sound that went: 'Boom!' echoed down the tunnel which was pitch black and the lights started to turn off and on while the thunder roared from above; and then I began to scream.

Doesn't the second paragraph seem too long for the short, terrifying situation. 

Changed: 'I ran my fingers through my silvery black, damp hair and headed to the metal cell room.' 

Reason: The slash kind of makes it sound like it's either silver or black. So, by changing it to silvery black, it makes it sound like it's both. Unless, you meant it to be either silver or black then... just leave it the way it is. :D 

Changed: 'Groaning at the brightness, I blocked my eyes for a moment until they became used to the light. 

Reason: I've put a comma after 'brightness' to get that pause that just makes it flow better. I've changed 'regulated' because it didn't really fit into your situation. Regulate means to 'control the rate of something' or just in general, 'control' - such as 'regulating heat'. You could use 'adjusted' but I've done 'used to the the light'. 

Changed: '"Good luck," she added in a whisper and we held both of each other's hands.

Reason: I've explained why a bit earlier. :D 

Changed: '"Being so close to you makes me warm, you're actually a lot warmer than I am," she said and sighed deeply. 

Reason: Same reason as the one before... 

Changed: '"During our years as partners you were always so serious and uptight on the job." 

Reason: This, I have also explained earlier.

Changed: 'I sat and took a deep nasally breath before speaking.

Reason: It's not really a mistake but 'nasally' just sounds a bit... ... It reminds me of snot... T^T You don't have to take it out but... yea. 

Changed: He mouthed to me: "Be a good boy" with a slight grin on his pinkish lips and looked up to the ceiling. 

Reason: Just a small punctuation and capilisation mistake. But also a tense confusion. But that's all. 

Not a mistake. Just a really mysterious, extra long space between 'his' and 'face'. Maybe you hit 'tab' instead of 'space'. T^T

Changed: '"See you later B-Bomb!" I called and I saw him wave out of the corner of my eye. 

Reason: I see what you mean but 'peripheral vision' in that context just sounds... it sounds too scientific in a really casual action. 

Changed: '...I cleared my throat and bonked his forehead with my hand...' 

Reason: Must be a typo since 'd' and 'f' are next to each other. Remember to re-read before posting. ^^ ... I'm being hypocritical since I don't re-read T^T. 

Changed: '"You'll be in here for a while, good luck," I told him and snatched up his weapon. 

Reason: I've explained this earlier about commas and talking. 

Changed: 'The cat-like dark green eyes, pale smooth skin; his hair had changed but it was in the same concept. "You guys stay up here, I'm ending my fight early with this guy. Take him in as hostange," I told them. 

Reason: 'Cat-like' sounds better than 'Cat-ish', don't you think? I've put a semicolon to seperate 'pale smooth skin' from 'his hair had changed' because they are two different ideas from describing him and describing his hair was different.

Changed: '"I don't stay at home anymore since I have more training. Se7en is making me stay down here," I told her, feeling my back rest...'

Reason: I put a full stop to spilt the sentence and put a comma at the end of the talking.