At the Eleventh Hour

Title: 5/5

Though I couldn’t make any connections to the title with the story so far, I find no reason to not like it. It fits well with the theme and merely tells the reader that there must be something significant at the ‘Eleventh Hour’. Also, you’ve only finished the first chapter of the story so I would guess the title’s meaning would be put into the storyline a few chapters later.

Description/Foreword 8/10:

The description and foreword really drew me in with the way you used words and the correct spelling/grammar. But the part ‘clocking every minute of her life’ felt a bit weird. It may be a pun with the ‘clock’ and ‘time’ but the definition of ‘clocking’ and the idea you might be trying to convey to the reader doesn’t really fit. ‘Clocking’ would be defined as ‘Achieving (a victory)’ or ‘Attain or register (a specified time, distance or speed)’. Rather than ‘registering a specified time’, the person looked as if he were taking in everything that she did. Maybe:

‘… Haunting every minute of her life…’

‘… Tracking every minute of her life…’

‘… Pursuing every minute of her life…’

Other than that, the foreword had uneven spacing which kind of irked me. Sometimes it was a double space between lines, sometimes one space, sometimes a triple… I think it would look much more professional if you stuck to way of spacing things out or it would start to look a bit disorganised. When I first scrolled down, some of the font looked as if they were of different font size from the rest until I looked again. If you need to add extra spaces/less spaces for whatever reason, do so in an orderly and neat fashion.

Character Development 25/25:

The characters had a realistic personality. Even the anonymous stalker had a personality that showed up simply with the way he moved and what he did to see SooJin. SooJin who would become Krystal had a different personality from Krystal; which I think is really beneficial for what you’re going for.

Appearance 5/5:

The appearance matched the spooky, dark theme your story is about with the dark colours and backgrounds. Though this may sound weird and useless, the two dividers on the foreword, if they looked the same, would look more professional and neat. Choose whatever number of tildes and fancy symbols you want but when they look identical, it has a subtle difference which is more pleasant.

Originality/Plot 19/20:

I’ve seen a many fanfiction with stalkers, people falling in love with stalkers and whatnot. But I’d say someone impersonating an idol and getting stalked would be something I haven’t seen before. The ‘horror’ adds to all the tension and mystery. Also, the prologue really makes people think about what is happening and what would’ve happened to make that ‘person’ come.

Flow 10/10:

The flow of the story was at a very realistic and reasonable pace. I wasn’t confused with the speed of the story and their actions didn’t seem hurried.

Grammar/Spelling 18/20:

The grammar and spelling were very good but there were a couple of small mistakes.

‘Just as she was zipping up her training bag, the SHINee oppas flooded in, throwing down their own training bags.’

Changed to:

‘Just as she was zipping up her training bag, the SHINee members flooded in, throwing down their own training bags’

When you use ‘oppas’ like that, it just seems a little out of place. I’m not sure how to explain it, but it seems less formal and neat. When used in speech its fine but putting ‘oppas’ like that… seems a bit off.

‘… a loose, baggy gray shirt with a…’

Changed to:

‘… a loose, baggy, gray shirt with a…’

There has to be a comma between ‘baggy’ and ‘gray’ because ‘baggy gray’ isn’t exactly a colour. This mistake also has been repeated a couple of times with the words in different orders. Remember to put a comma after everything separate thing you list. E.g. milk, eggs, flour, butter, cream and salt. Without the comma between ‘butter’ and ‘cream’, it could be read as ‘buttercream’ which is a different item.  

‘… Her brain duly noted the empty space next to her…’

Changed to:

‘… Her brain dully noted the empty space next to her…’

Though ‘duly’ is a word, I think you meant ‘dully’ because it would fit in with the situation Krystal was in at the moment where she was in her ‘subconscious state’.

General 5/5:

I really liked this story. It suited everything that I liked and I’m always wondering what’s going to happen next. Keep writing!

95/100