I am still here... writing about myself? LOL. I don't know. I'm not in the mood to write about RANTS and other s. I just want to write about me and myself. I want to write about how I am or how my life is. 

I never realized that I am like an empty jar. I am literally empty. I am literally... no one. I thought I want people to understand who I really am instead of telling them. I didn't know that I have become a monster myself; A monster that I hate and despise. I actually don't think that I am a monster that anyone or everyone would/could hate. I love myself (which doesn't makes sense). 

I don't really know the reason why I am writing about this.. but I think it's going to be about him again. I thought I am over everything. I thought.. everything's already gone: the feelings, the warmth... EVERYTHING. I tried telling myself not to cry when I think of him.. but no, I just can't stop it. It's like I'm programmed to cry everytime everyone talks about him. He's like.. the talk of the town. It hurts to see him like that.. it hurts to see him live his dream. I don't want to be a big hindrance so I let him be. I don't want to be the reason why he's down or hurt. I don't want to be the reason why he's living that dream. One thing I want to be... is his priority. May not be his first or second.. but at least in his list.  I keep on saying, "yes, it's okay. Don't worry.", but inside... it's tiring and stressful for me. I keep on thinking about how ty of me to say it's okay when he's asking me if it really is. 

How come I am the only one writing about this? How come I am the only one acting up? How come I am the only one who's moving? Because he can't. Because his fangiirls are everywhere. Because they are everywhere. Because there are way worse monsters than me. Because I know that he can't move...

I feel like he doesn't care about how we are. Like he doesn't know what to do with this relationship. I try to understand that he's busy and all.. but can't he look at me just once? I want him to see how I need him... how I ing want to see him. It's been 4 ing years since we last saw each other. I don't know if it's just me but that's ing 4 years! 

Today... I decided to stick with one decision. And it's to.... stay. I want and need to stay beside him even though he keeps leaving. I want to be with him when he's down. I want to support him all I can and while I can. I am stupid....

I want to die....