I Need a Girl LIke... by temporight-here
Story Title: I Need A Girl Like…
Story Author: temporight-here
Reviewer: choisooyeon
Title (7/10)
- The title is a bit cliché, it actually gives out what the story is about but it’s kind of nice since it connects with the story, but it would be nice if it wouldn’t actually give out the whole plot because if readers see it, they’d immediately know that the story’s about Taeyang finding and needing a girl (which will be Sandara Park of 2NE1) but you don’t have to change it, it’s quite nice but maybe if you’d make another story, make sure it actually doesn’t give out the plot, maybe a deeper title or a single word. I kind of follow the 1-3-5 rule. Having 5 words in your title is the, how do you call this, weakest type of title, so that makes the 1 word title the best. But it’s just a suggestion c;
Overall Enjoyment (7/10)
- I don’t quite read BIGBANG and 2NE1 OTP kinds of stories but this one was okay, I don’t usually read stories like this but it’s quite okay but everything’s moving too fast for my liking but it’s just my opinion—since everyone has their own opinion—but it’s really nice, I know lots of people who like stories like these but it would be nice if you’d take it slow and think about what the readers would want to know more, maybe the readers would want the straight to the point answer but there’s a small part in them where they want to know more about the extra details or side stories of each.
Writing Style (10/10)
- Your writing style is clear, it’s understandable, there’s no distracting colors (since a lot of people tend put so many different colors like red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet all in one chapter and it’s quite confusing). You also used one font which makes the story look professional and all that.
Plot (19/25)
- The plot’s kind of nice, it’s a romantic kind of story people enjoy reading and often read here in Asianfanfics. But it’s kind of confusing since Dara accepted so easily (spoiler alert) when there isn’t even a side story or maybe her point of view on how she ever liked Youngbae or if she ever liked him to begin with. At first—when Youngbae ‘flirted’ with her—she sounded like she wanted to just disappear and get away from Youngbae forever for he acted weird, but if she really liked him then she’d blush and all… then when Youngbae suddenly asked her out on a date when they barely even hung out like how Jiyong suggested and to add up to that, Dara even worried about what she’d wear, but if she really didn’t like Youngbae that way then she’d just pick a decent dress and go with it.
So I think you should take it slow and explain things more, but not to slow that you’d talk about their everyday lives and all, you should know what your readers want.
Originality/Creativity (16/20)
- A lot of people already made a plot like this so I wouldn’t call it original but I guess it’s okay but then I give you plus points for the sudden twist at chapters 7 and 8, I wasn’t expecting that but a little twist makes the readers excited and that made me like what you’ve done so far with the story.
Characterization (4/5)
- I understand Youngbae’s goal in life, what the other BIGBANG members try to but I don’t really get Sandara’s character, I mean, does she like Youngbae or does she not? Because in one part, she acts like as if she only sees him as her brother but then in the other part, she acts like this teenager who’s going on a date she’s been dreaming of with her crush, so I really don’t get it whether she really likes Youngbae or not. I guess you should describe Sandara’s character more to clarify things.
Writing Mechanics (8/10)
- Your punctuations are okay—but it also needs a little work, but your grammar and spelling can be corrected a little bit, it’s not like it’s noticeable but of course I have to observe every sentence carefully since that’s my job, but make sure to skim through all your chapters carefully before posting it or so.
Youngbae enjoyed it. He enjoyed everything so far. Sometimes, he regret not loving girls back in his trainee days. He never knew that love is one of the best thing that happened in life.
"Youngbae!" a voice called from a few metres behind, snapping Youngbae out of his daydream. "There you are."
Here, the word ‘regret’ in the sentence should’ve been ‘regrets not loving girls back…’ and the same goes for the word ‘thing’, it should’ve been ‘one of the best things…’ both of them should’ve had a letter ‘s’ c:
And there isn’t such a thing as ‘metres’, please change it to ‘meters’ if that’s what you were looking for. (found in chapter 3)
"You're joking, aren't you?" Dara asked, nervous. Youngbae however, shook his head strictly.
"I mean, are you sure? The others are coming, aren't they?" she asked again, trying to sound positive. Youngbae shook his head for the second time.
I don’t think the word ‘strictly’ is the right term to be used here, maybe you could change it to this: ‘Youngbae, however, firmly shook his head’.
Even here, I don’t think the word ‘positive’ is the right word to be used here, maybe you could change it to this: ‘…she asked again, trying to sound hopeful’. (found in chapter 4)
Youngbae, on the other side, closed his eyes tightly, praying that he would finally have a girlfriend by that night.
The word ‘side’ isn’t actually the best word you could use so maybe replacing it to ‘hand’ like: ‘Youngbae, on the other hand, closed his…’ it sounds more pleasant to the ears. (found in chapter 5)
You're starting to be like those over fanatic fans.
‘Over fanatic’ isn’t the right term to use here since I’m an over fanatic fan of Girls’ Generation but I don’t really question, stalk or actually TRY to do those things to them but maybe replacing it with the word ‘obsessed’ or ‘stalker/saesang’ fans would be great. (found in chapter 6)
Bonus Points: 3 points
Grading scale: 8 + 7 + 10 + 19 + 16 + 4 + 8 + 3 = 75 (85%)
+ Comments, suggestions & advice: I suggest that you take things slow with the plot, put some more side stories and try not to get to the point quickly. You should balance the flow of your story, it shouldn’t be too fast and shouldn’t be too slow, you should get to know your readers well and what kind of things do they want to happen, a poll would help but asking the reader what should happen next isn’t a good idea, since YOU’RE the author and YOU should decide that on your own. Maybe the poll should ask something like, should Youngbae like this, like that? Or so on and so forth.
♥ Praises: “This story is quite good, it isn’t too shabby but just right. Readers will actually love this kind of story because it’s romantic and stuff, it’s also cute because it gives Youngbae fans to imagine what would Youngbae be really like if he’d date or if he gets bullied about not having a girlfriend yet and how he’d react to it, so keep up the good work!”
Comments