I feel so ing frustrated and confused. I mean, I wanna kill myself. Maybe I was just stressed or something about some s.. but NO! I mean, I can never be stressed about that  because it's not worth it. I've never been this frustrated. I've never had this urge to kill myself. I've never had this kind of feeling or urge. I mean, I feel like it's an OBLIGATION. 

I wanna get rid of everything. My old shirts, old pants, old make up, life, lovelife.... I wanna get rid of lovelife. I wanna get rid of this feeling that I don't even know how to explain (gull, I can't explain what I feel). I don't know if this is a good one or not. I.DON'T.KNOW... I feel like cutting wrist is the solution but it's not. I feel like I wanna die..

He's busy and I know that. He's somewhere else and I'm just here in the Philippines. He's in a good and better place and I'm not. He's living his dreams and I'm trying to do so. It's not that I envy him or something but I thought we're going to live that dream together. Everyone's screaming for him. I get jealous sometimes to his "fangirls". I mean, it's my RIGHT to get jealous sometimes. 

I just wanna hug him.. I just wanna feel him again. I just want to hug him to sleep. I wanna cuddle with him. I wanna... kill myself. I want him. I need him. RIGHT NOW. I wanna cry on his shoulders. I need a shoulder to cry on. I wanna cry because I really ing miss him. 

My father was abusive and I saw shrinks of my childhood because of what he did.. but I miss him. I wanna find him but I can't seem to see the reason to see him again. Maybe the reason why is I MISS HIM... but... I don't know. I just don't know. I am afraid that I might end up killing myself after I get to see him. There is a possibility that I suicide. 

I also don't feel like coming back home.. I mean, I miss my old home. The home that it used to be: with dad, mom, and my grandma. The happy us. But right now... 

I wanna..kill..myself...