Feedback to Deadly Romance from BluePills520
Okay, now to my feedback for Deadly Romance from the awesome writer BluePills520:
Bad thing(s):
1)
The font. Sorry, but it's just too small for my eyes XD you don't have to do that, though :D
Thing(s) you can improve on:
1)
Describing the reaction of her son. How did he found out she was dead? You might write: He shook his mothers shoulder to wake her up, but she wasn't moving at all. "Mother!" Her son screamed, but there was no response.
But if the boy was only a young child, then being shocked that his mother just fell down is fine too :)) (just like what you wrote)
2)
Describing L's reaction to what he just saw.
Well, I know you want to make him kind of heartless, and you did a great job! You can also explain to the readers, how his expression looks like and how he talked to the woman.
3)
How does Lord Exodus look like? Why does he seem to be scary?
4)
As the reaper killed her parents: You can use Jiyeons senses... you know, not only watching how the reaper did that, but also, hearing no breath coming out from her parents anymore
5)
If you want to make it more dark and horror-like a darker BG would look better (NOT A MUST)
Question(s):
1)
Is the scene where Jiyeon's parents got killed a flashback?
Good thing(s):
1)
I love your flow! For a one shot it was pretty well done. You didn't make it too slow, nor too long
2)
I like the character! L being all mysterious and hard to approach >.< it makes me wondering what will happen, cuz you said he'll try to be Jiyeon's boyfriend to know her real name. I don't think it would be easy for him to get the information he needed that fast from Jiyeon :D
3)
You describe the surroundings really great! You don't only use one ability of the character = seeing, but you sometimes use other abilities too!
4)
You introduced the whole characters in an interesting way by showing the readers L's job and Jiyeon's past. It makes the readers (well at least me) want to read more
5)
The funny idea with the reapers name lol. H, J and L haha XD at first I was kind of confused, since I'm normally slow thehehe ^_^ so I was kinda proud as I realized it :p
6)
Vocabulary! You don't use the same words continuously which is good, unlike other people (for an example me >.<)
--> It is sooo boring. NOT. No, I think it was beautifully written! I see aff as a place where writers can improve their writing and/ or English skills. To be honest, I hope this story gets more and more a dark kind of story :)) I'm looking forward for more! Btw I hope it's a more dark kind of story with romance too haha :D
I hope it's not harsh or something... and I hope it helps! Sorry for taking so long -.- Sadly I can't help you with the grammar since I'm not good either XD
Love,
PB ;D
Picture is not mine. Credit to the person who made it (thanks for making this cool Myungyeon pic!!) From: http://www.flickr.com/photos/61106642@N07/8093441484/
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