Story Title: I'll Remember You
Story Author: KpopLifeMusic
Reviewer: biiancaz

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Characterisation [10/20]:

Since it was a oneshot, I won’t go particularly harsh you on about this one because there isn’t much place where you could develop a character. However this story was rather like this character did this and then he did that, that and that. The reader could make an interpretation of their view based on the characters but without the elaboration and defining of a person, it made it hard to relate.

Grammar [10/20]:

Your grammar was fine –at least to my eyes. I read it over about three times to check. You stayed in the same tense, which to me is the most important part of grammar. However I would like to note you on a couple of things.

1. “Happy Valentines Day............... and Happy Anniversary......... Jagiya~"

Using more than three (‘…’) periods as an interpretation of a pause in dialogue, or thought, is very colloquial, and is never used past language you would commonly use in ‘IM’. There were also uses of more than one exclamation or question mark. It’s the same case with the periods, however, more than one is incorrect grammar, as well as the fact that it doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing. (In my opinion, of course).

And it’s also spelt Valentine’s with an apostrophe after the ‘e’ but that’s alright because it’s a common mistake that even I sometimes miss out.

1. "This is so expensive. Also, you bought all three!" she shouted. “Do you know how special you are to me?” I asked her totally ignoring the statement she made. “I don’t know, show me,” she requested. I let go of her and did aegyo. Which I barely ever do!! She blushed. “I love you so much that I even do aegyo for you. I'd also do anything for you. Remember that.” I winked at her.

This is how you stylised your dialogue. ^

This is how you’re supposed to write dialogue:

“This is so expensive. Also, you bought all tree!” She shouted.

“Do you know how special you are to me?” I asked her totally ignoring the statement she made.

“I don’t know. Show me.” She requested.

I let go of her hand and did aegyo. Which I barely ever do!

She blushed.

“I love you so much that I even did aeygo for you. I’d also do anything for you. Remember that.” I winked at her.

Note how much easier it is to tell who’s talking about what and when? Dialogue from a different person, or stating a different subject must always start on a new line. And the word after the closing speech mark must be a capital.

1. There were a couple of typos and such, but I won’t go listing them but let you know that so hopefully you’ll fix them yourself!

Originality [7/20]:
Not the first story about a gang going up against another gang, while in the process the female protagonist is killed. There’s not much I can say about originality because during my time on this website, I have read a plentiful amount of the same plot-line. I could basically pre-plot the whole story inside my head just from reading the description.

I’m sorry about the low mark in ‘originality’ but I believe it’s fair because there are far more original stories out there and this one just isn’t. The plot is over used and cliché and rather common. To be original, you could’ve written a story like this but put your own twist into everything. To me, it was more of a copy of the more well-known gang stories, but with your own words and characters.
 

Plot [17/20]:
Same as above, it was very typical of a gang-story and such. But bonus points for sticking to the plot and not swaying!
 

Writing Style [3/10]:
Your writing style definitely had a lot of potential. You stuck to the person and wrote everything as if you were that person. On the other hand, it was rather ‘naïve’ or simple. Your sentences, in most cases were short, and I felt that each sentence could have been phrased better. In the first paragraph, there were six simple sentences, with the rest being simple ‘complex sentences’, with the only conjunction I could note: ‘and’.  Elaboration is the key to a great soul- story. Your story lacked that type of ‘definition’.

I thought the use of pictures was completely unnecessary. As a reader, I like to visualise my scenes, and feel all ‘five-senses’ about it. The use of images to describe what you mean lost that kind of feeling for me. You could’ve used a couple of sentences, one or two, to describe the handbags.

For example:

I smiled knowingly, as she gasped upon opening the box. Inside were nestled three of the same Chanel handbags. She brought out the pastel pink one, running her fingers along the pebbled leather and gleaming gold Chanel clasp. She dropped the pink one, gasping again as her hands dug into the box again to lightly touch the two others of the same design but of a different colour: black and white.

They were classy, and I thought they completely matched her personality.

Just something I thought would’ve worked better than just (he bought all three) with an image of the bags.
 

Title [3/5]:
In my opinion, the title was rather too cliché, because I can trust that I’ll search up ‘I’ll Remember You’ and come up with more than ten different results with the same title. I also gave me the first-hand impression that it would be about ‘remembering a past/passed loved one’. It wasn’t exactly attention grabbing but I can throw in my two cents that it definitely summed up the plot without any ambiguous feelings. 

Short, simple, sweet.
 

Appearance [3/5]:

Other than the weirdly written dialogue, the only other problem I had with the appearance was the weirdly coloured fonts. It seems like from what I know, you separated different parts into different fonts and colours however sometime in the middle there was a bit where you forgot the change the font (?).

Rather than using a different font or colour, you could indicate with line breaks for example:

____( or anything longer)

Or

--

The colours and fonts were just all over the place and sometimes I had trouble reading.

Your poster was great! I liked it, and it definitely brought out the mood.

 

Overall Mark/Comments [53/100]:

I know I have been extremely tough and I’m sorry if I have offended you in anyway, but this is my constructive criticism where I hope you will learn from what you’re lacking and your mistakes. A review will not always be positive but it’s so much better when it’s a bad negative review because I know that the author will reflect upon what I have pointed out and become the amazing writer that everyone knows you can be.

I believe you have potential if you really just tried to portray your scenes and characters a lot deeper. I have also pointed out a lot of things that some other reviews haven’t and I trust you that I’m not trying to bash in any way, but make sure you have a clearer understanding of what you need to know and make sure you don’t make the same mistakes because someone hasn’t told you the truth!

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