Story Title: The Forebidden Princess
Story Authors: charmallama and shannonigan
Story Reviewer: minminXP

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Title: 5/10

The title is not very eye-catching.

First of all, it doesn’t stand out because so many other fanfics have been named along the lines of this title. The word ‘forbidden’ is somewhat overused. So is the word ‘princess’. It’s not a title that I would remember over a period of time. The problem is, titles are meant to stick in the reader’s mind so that they don’t forget it, and ultimately the plotline.

Secondly, the title doesn’t really match the story either. Well, yes, I understand that Jihae is supposed to be a princess. But even so, why is she ‘forbidden’? She’s merely in hiding and on the run from the people who were sent to kill her and her family. That doesn’t mean that she’s forbidden. What is she forbidden from? The throne? That doesn’t make sense, you see. She’s only kept away from the throne, but she’s not forbidden from taking it for herself. It’s these small nuances that can make a big difference.

Do consider changing it based on the two factors that I pointed out. Sometimes I find that people don’t realise how important titles are. They are, after all, the first impression people get of a story.

However, it’s best to always think of a good title before actually putting up the story. Changing the title suddenly might confuse the readers and they might not even realise that it is the same story as before, and they may unsubscribe because of that.
 

Storyline: 9/20

What can I say? The plotline doesn’t stand out. How many people have actually written a story where the princess was banished from her country and kept from her throne? Granted, yours was unique in the sense that she escaped to another world instead of just being exiled to the countryside. However, this twist is not big enough to offset the clichéd plotline of a wronged princess.

The idea of Jihae not having a family anymore is incredibly dull. How many orphans have we read about? I’m pretty sure that more than half of the stories on AFF have their main characters become an orphan for the sake of some conflict in their story? Even so, some authors use it for the convenience of not having any parents, and for a reason for the main characters to be emotionally confused and upset.

I mean, family deaths. It couldn't get any more unoriginal. I have to admit; even I am guilty of that sometimes. It just seems like the easy way out and it’s good writing material.

I’m not saying that it’s bad, though. Like I said, it can be good writing material. However, it can only be good writing material if you know how to handle it. If you spin it in the usual, boring manner where everything is so predictable, that’s basically just spoiling precious writing material. If you can handle it and put in twists that the readers don’t expect, it can do wonders for your story.

At the moment, I’m kind of skeptical about the quality of your plot. After all, it’s pretty early into the story and the chapters have been quite short, so not much development has happened yet. So I can’t really make a clear judgment on whether you’re using the family deaths in a good or bad way. I’m kind of hovering between the two, and very honestly, am gravitating towards the idea that the two of you are not pulling it off well.
 

Appearance: 4/5

The poster was a bit strange… the top half and bottom half conflicted a little. I will not be deducting marks for someone else’s work, though, so don’t worry.

The spacing in between the paragraphs is uneven at times. Please try to keep it as uniform as possible. I don’t like jumping from place to place when reading. It’s a hassle and it hurts my eyes. It’s rather minor, though, so it’s not as bad as some of the stories that I have seen.
 

Writing Style: 6/10

I can’t really comment on one type of writing style here, since there was two of you writing the story at the same time. However, the both of your writing styles do not differ that much, although one of you likes to describe a lot more than the other.

I don’t like how you inserted nicknames into the story. For example, Kris was called duizhang, which is Chinese. However, all of them seem to come from Korean families. Do you not see the issue here? How would they know to call him something in Chinese when they are Korean? This doesn’t jive with the plotline, and it kind of threw me off the plot. It doesn’t make sense.

I find that the writing style in this story lacks a sense of depth. When I read the story, I feel no emotion being stirred within me. A good author is able to move readers by making them feel the emotions that the characters in the story are feeling. But when I read this piece of fanfiction, I felt nothing. My emotions were completely flat as I went through all the chapters.

In a sense, there was no maturity and sensitivity in the writing. There was not enough eloquence to move me, and that is the biggest flaw in both of your writing styles. It made the tone of the story completely dull and uninteresting. There was nothing in the story that made me want to continue reading.

The feeling of wanting to find out what happens next in a story is the most important emotion to instill in a reader, since it keeps them curious about your story. This basic technique of making one emotional is definitely lacking in this story, and that’s the one big thing that the both of you have to improve on if you want people to like your story.
 

Characterization: 2/10

Yes, I get that you’re trying to establish how different the personalities of the children are strong and peculiar. But no matter how you look at it, they are still children. No child is going to act in the way that you wrote. Maybe when they reach their pre-teens than they may show the kind of behaviour.

Especially Jihae. I found her to be completely ridiculous. How is it that she’s able to be so fluent and intelligent at that age? I realise that she’s meant to be a genius. But no genius would act in that way even at that age. I believe that you were trying to show the level of her intelligence, to emphasize just how smart she is compared to the rest. However, you’ve overdone it. The exaggeration is so overdone that it becomes unbelievable. Just by doing that, your story loses credibility. Maturity comes not from intelligence but from life experience and how you take these experiences and learn lessons from them. How is it that these children, with their limited life experiences, behave so maturely?

I honestly dislike how the relationship changes so fast in this story. There is no way that feelings can just disappear immediately. For example, the way that Yunho’s feelings for Sooyeon just evaporated without a trace is completely unrealistic. Feelings do not have an on and off switch. They fade. They warp, they twist and they change. But they do not just disappear.

The fact that there was no trigger in their relationship other than Yunho’s doubts about Sooyeon just shows how childish the characterization in this story is.

When I read that scene, I thought of a situation that happens often in kindergarten between small, young and naïve children. The way they go “I won’t be your friend anymore” reminds me of the way that Yunho’s love for her just vanished in a childishly willful way. It didn’t make sense for adults to behave like that. Neither does it make sense for children to behave like adults.

One thing I didn’t like about your author’s notes at the bottom of the chapter was that you revealed things that you shouldn’t have. In the first chapter’s author’s notes, you talked about Jihae’s personality and what she’s supposed to be like.

Don’t do that.

The purpose of writing about a certain character is because you want to let the readers know their personality by revealing their traits bit by bit during the story. By revealing their personality immediately, it can be a bit of a turn-off, especially for people like me who place such emphasis on having good characterisation.
 

Story Flow: 5/10

Perhaps the story progressed a little too quickly. There was hardly any elaboration of her life on Earth. From the fast pace of the story, I just got the hint that: oh, she’s sad. That’s about it, nothing much.

Slow down a little, elaborate a little more. But don’t overdo it, because you may end up ranting and everything may get a little overwhelming. You have to learn how to strike a balance between elaborating and ranting.
 

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 4/10

I’m going to list some mistakes here:

• Spelling mistake: chapter 1, flashback “being the leader bought heavy burden…”
• Typo error: chapter 1 “snaking their way up his finegrs…”
• Spelling mistake: chapter 1 “accompanyment to fish”.
  “stepped of the podium”.
• Chapter 2 spelling mistake: “only to be cut off my his sister”
• Chapter 2; omission of comma: “heavily built, blood-thirsty guards, she…”
• In chapter 3, the words ‘nose-bridge’ were written down. Although this may be grammatically correct, it is definitely not contextually correct. There is no such thing as a nose-bridge. It can be written as ‘the bridge of his nose’. No nose-bridge, please.
• “rubbed her eyes adorably”
  Yes, this is correct, but the diction is enough to make me squirm. It cannot get any cheesier than that.
• Chapter 2: “Daehyun, you know I don’t want to be a burden on you guys anymore, besides we’ve talked about this before,”
  The sentence is too long. When sentences are too long, it becomes difficult to digest. The moment someone has to go back and re-read it to get the meaning, you know that it is way too long a sentence. Cut it into two, maybe even three, sentences.
• Chapter 2: “I bet between balancing college and working”
  The underlined word is unnecessary. It does not contribute to the meaning and it sounds awkward there. Delete it please.

One sentence that irked me was about how someone could ‘sense foreboding’. You cannot… sense foreboding. It is impossible to sense foreboding. It is possible to sense something wrong and have a feeling of impending doom. But foreboding is impossible to be felt, as it is not a feeling. It’s a writer’s technique, and characters do not come directly involved with it.

The mistakes listed above do not include every single one of them. The entire story is peppered with grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes. Please edit your stories before posting them online.

Creativity and Originality: 7/15

It was extremely clichéd, overall. I can’t say that it was creative because I have seen so many stories that have the same general idea as this story. Furthermore, there wasn’t any element in the story that truly made the plot original. Unless you count the strange behaviour of the children, but I find that to be negative point, so marks were deducted for the lack of originality.
 

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10

To be very honest, I wouldn’t have read this story if I hadn't been told to review this. The plot wasn’t unique, there were many flaws with it and the writing style did not appeal to me at all.

 

Sub-Total: 46/100

Bonus: 3/5 
It’s hard writing a story with a co-author, since you cannot control what she wants to write. Bonus points for managing the story alongside with your friend. I could sometimes tell that the author had changed between chapters, although it’s not extremely obvious.

Total: 49/100

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