Story Title: Angelic Monster
Story Author: Ai_Dami
Reviewer: choisooyeon

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Title: (10/10)
- First of all, I really loved the title. It isn’t overused nor is it rare to find such a title but I loved it because it somehow had a connection in the story, it kind of makes the readers wonder what it’s about. It doesn’t—somehow—give away what the story is about and that is another thing I liked about your title.

I’m a pretty picky person when it comes to finding the right type of story and I was pleased to actually see your title once I received your request. Keep up the good work!

Overall Enjoyment: (3/10)
- Your story was interesting but it’s not something I would actually read though, but please don’t be discouraged about this, there are many other unique story plots out there that you could use to make people enjoy, read and to actually understand your story. I loved your story because of its uniqueness but I didn’t like it because overall, it was confusing and a confusing story can make people frustrated rather than actually enjoying the story.

It would’ve been nice if you’d clarify it more, this story has potential but it’s still blurry.

Writing Style: (8/10)
- The writing style is pretty much okay but it would be nice if you’d actually describe the place more thoroughly, because the readers would want a story where they could actually imagine or draw into. Like I said, readers don’t like it if the story’s confusing and all that.

But I like how you wrote your story, where you separate flashbacks by using italics and line separators from what’s happening in the present and of course how you only used one font and one color for everything.

Plot: (19/25)
-  I—personally—didn’t like the plot so much. It confused me to be quite honest. I didn’t know who the ‘kind ahjumma’ was nor did I know who Nana was. At first I thought Nana was Ryeowook’s lover, but then I got confused and thought she was the ahjumma who helped Ryeowook and lastly, I thought she was Ryeowook’s noona or older sister.

What also confused me is how or what happened to Ryeowook and why is he so miserable, yes maybe one reason is that his first love left him, but what had actually happened to his first friend and love? Did she die, or did she break-up with him? You only said left him, and it would be nice if you’d elaborate on how she left him.

Thirdly, what happened to the ahjumma that day? Did she die? Or was she sick or just plainly left Ryeowook behind to go wherever she needed to go? And yet again, you only said this:

“Ryeowook had known it was coming when she didn't give him a sticky rice bun after dinner that day. Of course he had known it; it had been a tradition for the two since they first met. He just wished he had been able to thank her. He shouldn't have let her work the whole day when he knew that Nana was sick.”

What did Ryeowook know about? That the ahjumma died because of her sickness or that he knew she was going to leave him like how his first friend and first love left him? Because if she died because of her sickness, where did Ryeowook leave her? Where did she go and what place exactly did she die at? And why didn’t Ryeowook find her and bury her properly and all that… and if she left him like how his first friend and first love left him, what was the reason behind it and why did she have to leave him?

“As if called by these words, he suddenly saw the face of someone that he thought he would never see again. Stopping in his tracks, Ryeowook looked back just in time... A car screeched as it tried to avoid the inevitable, slipping and sliding as it went. He was just in time to see her face; a face full of happiness that he'd never seen before.”

Fourthly, what exactly did Ryeowook see that morning? Who was this noona he saw? Was it his first friend and first love or was it a family member who—yet again—left him behind? Why did she suddenly appear and why was Ryeowook so sad seeing her happy?

And lastly, the last part of your one shot...

“He walked along the streets that were now dry as the sun reached its bed.

Would it be worth it, he wondered to himself.

Observing the sun as it disappeared, the ticking of his heart suddenly became very obvious.

He remarked this to himself detachedly, it’s time, I’m done, and I give up.

Now, it was his turn to fly away from everything. He looked down at the scene, feeling very sad as he remembered how little impact he had had on the world. The maddening chains that had engulfed him however, were gone and he turned to see her smiling face…

She was an angel, yet she had managed to destroy him.”

So in that part, did he give up and committed suicide or did he just like… seriously give up on life? And did he really see his so-called noona or did he just imagine her smiling at him?

I told you the title had a connection with the story plot but the problem is who was the angelic monster? Was it his first friend and first love or was it the noona during the last part? Or are they just the same person? There are too much details of the place that it didn't cover much what was happening to the story, to be honest I didn’t know much of what the plot really is but then it was kind of okay, don’t worry, just elaborate the story clearer because how can a reader get lost in a story or a chapter if they are confused with what’s happening?

But what I like about your plot is that it would make the reader to stop and think the events that happened in your story/one shot; they would ask themselves questions and etcetera. So good job on that and work on some parts of your story.

Originality/Creativity: (18/20)
- I would’ve given you a perfect score on this but I was just so confused and all. But anyways, the plot isn’t overused and I don’t see many stories like this. It has its own aura that I can’t explain much but the only thing lacking here in this story is where the characters are in, who they are and what happened to them.

Characterization: (2/5)
- To be honest, this is where you lacked, big time. Ryeowook is widely known as Kim Ryeowook of Super Junior, someone who has great and unique vocals, an idol under SM Entertainment… but in the story—obviously—Ryeowook isn’t the guy he normally is. So, it’s up to the author to describe how he/she wants the main character (which is Ryeowook) in the story, but you didn’t give any exact detail on who he is or what he was, who was he working for and etcetera.

“The thick growth of mushroom infested trees surrounded a damp, mossy rock on the floor level. Surrounded by a bunch of chickadees who had come to eat the seeds that he was holding out in the palm of his hand, Ryeowook stared down at the pretty shadows the was sun casting onto the wet, leaf covered ground. The shadows twinkled and moved around as the rust coloured, autumn leaves twirled to the ground.

How he wished he could enjoy this wonderful day; it was what the younger Ryeowook would have liked.”

You only described here on how the YOUNGER Ryeowook would’ve liked that kind of environment but you didn’t explain further on who the older or present Ryeowook was.

Writing Mechanics (10/10)
- How you wrote the story is okay, your grammar’s perfect and where you put your decimals were alright.

 

Grading Scale: 10 + 3 + 8 + 19 + 18 + 2 + 10 = 70
Bonus Points: 4 points

Total Score: 74/100 (74%)

+ Comments, Suggestions & Advice: I kind of advice you to elaborate your story plot, the place where the characters are, who and what the characters are and actually give a reason on why the character is like that.

♥ Praises: “This one-shot actually made me re-think of what a young person can do. It’s actually surprising, how everything was put together and how the words felt so unfamiliar to me, writing an actual one-shot made me frustrated at first and all my grammar, words didn’t seem and feel so right but because of this, it just made me go like “Damn, why can this young girl beat me at my own game, at the same age I started writing?” It’s purely amazing. Keep up the good work.”

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