Story Title: The Morning Star, Venus
Story Author: XiaoZhen
Reviewer: minminXP

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Title: 2/10
Correct me if I missed it somewhere, but I don’t see how the title relates to the plot. At all. It just sounds really fancy, and even a tad corny. People normally wouldn’t even choose to check out your story based on the title itself even if the title did relate to the plotline. I mean, it sounds strange and as if you’re trying to make the story sound deep when it isn’t.

Titles like that are also too cryptic. Maybe something that actually hints at the plotline would be better. Yes, I realise the story takes place in an alternate universe where people can throw scary magical attacks at their enemies, but the title doesn’t fit. It honestly doesn't. And most importantly, it sounds quite bad. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Perhaps your old title, ‘The One’, may be better. Yes, it’s insanely clichéd, but miles better than what it is now.

Storyline: 5/20
First of all, the plotline is incredibly dull and clichéd. I’m not saying that all stories with a fantasy plotline are considered boring. The difference between a good fantasy story and yours is that they take the plotline and truly make it theirs, with embellishments and all that. Whereas on the other hand, your plotline is nothing out of the ordinary and there’re no hidden meanings in your story.

A good story is like an onion. Well, I’m not sure whether you like onions, but I do. Back to the issue at hand: an onion has many layers. Likewise, a good story will have many layers as well. Things are not as straightforward as they may appear to be. Is life like that? No, it isn’t. It’s complicated, way more complicated than an onion with its multiple layers and definitely very trying for people. How does this relate to your story? Well, you’ve got the obstacle down pat, so good for you. But everything else about your story seems so straightforward and… simple.

A plotline that keeps the reader absorbed is, at its core, very simple, but with mounds of information and even twists on the exterior. Think of a plain vanilla ice cream cone. Now think of one with, say, crushed oreos, gummy bears, chocolate toppings and the like. Majority of people will definitely go for the latter, no? Yes, there will be this small minority that prefer it plain, but than again, it’s a small minority. You can’t get your audience to be any smaller than that.

Actually, it is normally very easy to make fantasy plotlines interesting. There are no boundaries for your creativity to flow, and the impossible can be made possible in a fantasy world.

After all, rules in the normal world don’t apply in these fantasies, do they? After all, they are a figment of imagination. So use this to your advantage! Don’t be afraid to be ridiculously wild with your plotline-but don’t go over-the-top either. You need to strike a balance between the realistic and the crazy. I mean, bring in alternate species or something! But only if you can pull it off.

Just don’t take on something that you don’t think you can write well about. That’s like going skydiving without being sure whether your safety parachute works. Chances are, you’re going to end up deleting your story when you hit a dead-end if you end up writing about something that you have next-to-no idea about.

Appearance: 3/5
At least you know how to split your writing into proper paragraphs. I cannot emphasize how important it is to have proper paragraphs. Good for you that you managed to fulfill this criterion wholly! Without proper paragraphing, reading can be a headache and no matter how enticing your foreword and description may be, chances are that the readers would give up on your story if the words came in one, huge block.

Now, about your foreword… It’s too lengthy. I’m sorry to say, but you give away too many spoilers about your story. And the chunk of words is just so… intimidating. By the way, the summary of the story should come under description. The foreword is like the author’s notes. Instead of splitting up the two components like how you did by putting a short bit in the description and elaborating excessively in the foreword, keep it simple in the description. A good description lets the reader know what they’re in for without information overload.

One last thing: you had too many rhetorical questions in your foreword. I appreciate the use of literary devices, but it’s too much information! From reading the questions, I kind of assume that Wang Zi and GuiGui end up together. And that you’re going to write about their epic romance and GuiGui’s dark, dark past and how they-or maybe someone else-shows up and saves the day. Hooray. And, well, I’m basically saying that there are too many spoilers about your plotline.

Please… just delete some of the questions… please.

Writing Style: 4/10
I’m sorry to say this, but your writing style is incredibly naïve. The emotions of your characters are very simplistic, there is no depth to your writing and although I get the idea of what you are talking about, I do not get the ‘oh my gosh’ thrills that I do when I read someone who has amazing depth in their writing.

Depth is extremely important in writing. You could be writing about something that is supposed to be sad, but there’re no literary devices that make the situation even more heart wrenching. Sometimes, your perception of human emotions may be too simple. Humans are extremely complex creatures with crazy feelings. Sad does not simply sum up heartbreak. Get my drift? Go into more detail, put some meaning into your writing.

One of the things that irked me about your writing style was how you added unnecessary phrases into your writing. For example: “name being called out, our heroine, aka the mysterious girl” and “looked at the heroine in front of him”.

Just… no. The moment you have to actually introduce the character as the heroine, you should know that you’ve done a horrible job making her stand out. In this case, we all already know, or are going to know, that she’s the heroine. So you don’t even have to mention that! You’re actually belittling your writing skills in that one short phrase.

Additionally, you don’t have to write ‘aka the mysterious girl’ either. There was an earlier reference to GuiGui as being mysterious. It’s an unnecessary repetition.

I cannot even expand on how much I disliked your usage of text message language in that one phrase. Is it that hard to spell out ‘also known as’? Please don’t use text message language unless you are actually writing out in a text message format. Even than, don’t overdo it. I cannot stress this enough.  

Furthermore, I see that you like to add in author notes in the middle of the story. Don’t. Yes, there may be people who do not know what the Chinese word means. Just asterisk it and put the definition at the bottom.

People like me who actually understand Chinese, will be rudely interrupted from the story when they suddenly start reading an author’s note in the middle of the plot. I… find it much like eating a cherry tomato in between bites of ice cream. It’s just… weird and maybe even a turn-off for readers.

If you’re really not comfortable with leaving a foreign word there without explaining it, than don’t use it. We’re not going to blame you if there’s no Chinese in the middle of it. In fact, I prefer there to be no Chinese, even though I’m fluent in the language. Keeping it in English throughout is how people normally write, unless they’re writing with the technique of localization, which you are not.

In those cases, foreign characters are fine, maybe even good to the storyline. Even though your characters are Chinese doesn’t mean there have to be random Chinese words peppering your chapters. It’s better to stop, really.

Also, do not abuse the caps lock key. Please. I may be guilty of this in the past when I was ignorant, but I hardly use the caps lock key anymore. Don’t TYPE LIKE THIS. I find that you tend to write like that when the characters are fighting. For example, ‘“HAHAHAHA!!!” he laughed.’

Is it truly necessary to type with caps lock just to emphasize that the character laughed loudly? No. And please, just use one exclamation mark. It pains me to see this: “!!!”

The usage of the caps lock key every once in a while to showcase the emotional trauma or turmoil they’re feeling is acceptable. But when you overuse it, the value goes down. It doesn’t feel as impactful as before. For example, J.K. Rowling used the caps lock key in the book series ‘Harry Potter’ occasionally. But she didn’t use it all the time. And guess what? Her characters do feel anger and frustration a lot, but they’re yelling is not always in caps lock.

Just because a character is being loud doesn’t mean that there is a need to use the caps lock key. There is significance in using the caps lock key. Think about it.

Characterization: 3/10
I get this feeling that… you’re trying too hard to make your characters seem somewhat mysterious. I never even noticed that you were trying to make GuiGui mysterious until you actually mentioned that all the students thought that she was.

Without excellent characterization, stories can be a pain to read. When I read about GuiGui, I get vibes of this slightly ditzy, cheerful and not-so-bright girl. You know, the classic Mary Sue with a bad past.

Overall, your characters are very clichéd and typical. I think that’s what I don’t like the most about your story apart from the writing style. Wang Zi seems to be the classic badass who’s actually a softie inside, Pets is the indignant best friend, Ao Quan the stuck-up opponent.

I… don’t like stories where the characters are so predictable. Like I mentioned earlier, people are complicated. Unexpected things can happen. Make these unexpected things happen. And by unexpected, I don’t even mean the clichéd twists. Don’t even go near them.

When your characters are not well developed, the story will seem flat. The reactions, the emotions, everything will suddenly become extremely predictable. And where’s the fun in reading a story that’s so predictable? There’s no suspense.

It’s like how strangers in the street are. Every stranger in the street has a background, a family, a goal and an obstacle as well as friends and enemies. Their lives are complicated, but we don’t see them for who they are as we pass them by. Don’t make your character a stranger to the reader.

It is only when the reader becomes emotionally attached to a character, flaws and all, then they will enjoy reading your story.

Story Flow: 7/10
The flow of the story is generally fine, although it may be considered a little fast for some people. I find it strange how Wang Zi suddenly seems to be so concerned about GuiGui even though they’ve barely met.

Think about it honestly. If a stranger helped you and got hurt, would you be as concerned about them as Wang Zi was for GuiGui? I wouldn’t. I would be worried, yes, but not to same extent as Wang Zi.

Their relationship is going too fast, it almost seems insincere. That’s the only problem with the story flow so far.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 4/10
Your grammar is… passable. I can understand what you’re saying, but there are so many mistakes, I get so annoyed sometimes. It’s not very off, but it’s odd. And I’m a stickler for grammar, so there goes the points.

I’m going to correct a few examples for you to see, and hopefully you can correct the rest on your own.

• Example 1: “we did not even know if the long lost heir”

In this case, it should be: “we do not even know if the long lost heir”. In this context, the speaker is referring to something that they currently do not know. Whereas when you used the word ‘did’, it implies that they already know the truth and that their ignorance was something of the past. Be mindful of these past/present tense problems. They’re quite prominent in your story and can very easily confuse a reader.

• Example 2: “It was annoying to listen to that alarm for almost every day”

Although this is grammatically correct, it sounds odd. A more natural, flowing statement would be: “It was annoying to listen to that alarm almost every day”. Omit the word ‘for’ and it suddenly seems a lot more lucid.

• Example 3: “placed his on it”

I burst into laughter when I read this phrase. This is not how you write the words ‘sitting down’ in a different way. Change it.

• Example 4: “Pets who kept sending death glare at him”

Ah, the singular and plural issues has confused many an author. It should be: “Pets who kept sending death glares at him”. If you meant that Pets only looked at him once, it would be: “Pets who sent a death glare at him”. However, based on the context in which you wrote this sentence, I’m guessing that you meant the former. Do take note of usage of singular and plural words. Without the proper usage, sentences will immediately sound off.

• Example 5: “he placed his gaze on the figure in front of him”

Well. It’s grammatically correct but odd in the way that you cannot actually place your gaze on something. That’s like saying “I place my eyes on you”. It’s weird. “He fixed his gaze on the figure in front of him” would be more appropriate for this context.

By the way, you spelled the word ‘growing’ as ‘growling’ in your description.

I hope these few examples will help you change the rest of the mistakes in your story. Since all of these mistakes came from the chapter ‘The New Student’ alone, I’m pretty sure your story is filled with these errors. Don’t be discouraged; when you get the hang of grammar, it just comes naturally to you. I took seven years to get a proper grasp of English grammar-I started learning it when I hit my first birthday I think. My grammar was horrendous until I turned eight years old, I think. So keep writing and trying and I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough.

Creativity and Originality: 8/15
Yes, I whined a lot about your story being clichéd, the characters being typical and the general idea being extremely mundane. But I like how the attacks on the school seems to be an every day affair. It gives some insight into the students’ lifestyles and what their world is like.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10
Sorry to say, I didn’t enjoy your story. One of the reasons why I took so long to write this review was because I couldn’t bring myself to really sit down and read through the story. Although I like the genre, there were so many other factors that made this story a turn-off for me.

 

Sub-Total: 39/100
Bonus: 0/5 
It’s kind of strict and straightforward, the way I review, and sorry if I hurt your feelings because I review as honestly as I can without getting personal because I truly want you to improve. Hopefully you’ll correct what I’ve asked you to and maybe you’ll improve by leaps and bounds the next time you ask for a review, yah?

Total: 39/100

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