I feel so sad. I just feel like I’m inanimate object who’s simply there. As if I don’t exist. I stand there and I watch people talk and it’s like everything is pre-recorded; I already know what they’ll talk about and how they’ll react and I can’t turn it off. I’m just there witnessing everyone else enjoy themselves, but I feel nothing. I’m just sad. I don’t know what I cry for. I have everything I could ever want plus more but I don’t want things. I don’t want new earrings or a mirror in my room; what’s the point if I can’t even look at myself without feeling unhappiness? I don’t feel real. I don’t want to see people. I can’t count on anyone. I feel like a little kid that’s telling the adults about something amazing that I truly care about, but they just smile and brush it off as if nothing I’ve said matters.

I don’t want to fake a smile. I don’t want to force myself to feel. I want to genuinely feel something. I just wanna have someone there that I feel like I can depend on, but no one’s there. I’m all by myself and sometimes I feel like that’s where I should be. I belong to this kind of lonely life. Nothing is real. I’m not real. I watch other people live their life to the fullest and I think how? It feels like I’m the only one who is forced to pretend as if I’m alive. I feel dead. I’m the walking dead, an empty shell; I’m a robot that feels nothing because nothing feels for me. I don’t know what people want from me. I can’t do anything and I can’t do everything. I’m so useless; I feel like used up space.

Please just hit me one more time with your words because everything people say sticks and it doesn’t come out. I want to genuinely have some fun and enjoy myself. I don’t understand what people talk about. I watch people throw words back and forth and again, I’m watching this movie that I’m sick of. Nobody understands. I want to understand why. I feel unimportant and thrown to the side. I want to go to a place far from here all by myself and not come back for a long time. I just want to walk the city and just find some peace. Find something. Anything that can help calm my nerves and fill up the hollowness. I want to live a life outside of mine and I want to go and find something that make me feel like my smile isn’t forced and find people who care about how I feel or what I say and respect me. I don’t like being pushed aside; I don’t like putting false hope into people that can’t see how much it means to me go out somewhere. It’s because I feel trapped and I want out. I feel imprisoned. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been sentenced to a life of loneliness and emptiness and I just can’t get out.

I want to feel like people care about me. I don’t want to be pushed to the side or feel like I’m a ghost. I’m a living, breathing human being but I don’t feel alive and breathing seems useless to me. I just want out. I don’t know what I want to get out of though. I just want to escape these feelings and go off to feel full. I want compassion. I want to feel like I matter. I want to have fun. But I don’t feel anything. I don’t see a reason to laugh or to feel excited and I have nothing to look forward. Even if I did, I would simply be disappointed. I can’t even look at myself without thinking, does this matter? Is who you are or how you look like going to matter to anyone? Everyone will just overlook me and talk over me; I’ll just be talked down to because I’m the child no one takes seriously. I feel soothed sometimes. But something always comes and shatters any progress I feel like I’ve made. I’m taken for granted and i'm sick of it. I can't hold on to people who promise me things that I long for but don't ever receive. I’m just a piece of glass that people look at but don't see anything but what beyond me, because I’m merely something in the way of what they really want. i'm a window that's burdened them. Everyone who has ever crossed me has left scratches all over; it's a dirty cracked window and there to offer warmth, but once nicer days arrive, they just open me up, walk right through me and leave me behind because I’m not needed. no one needs a window if only to keep the cold out and the warmth in. Or maybe I’ve been see though all along and i can't see that I’ve been meant to open up only to be left hanging opened and feeling the cold air come in. This window is cracked and soon it can break and it feels like nothing can fix it.

i want to hide from the world. i can't keep being this empty; there's nothing i really live for.  

 I still feel sad.