Everybody around me just goes, "Don't be jealous of other people.  Being jealous is bad, you should be content with what you have".

Well, I know, and I'm trying not to be jealous.  I'm trying to make myself be grateful for what I have, and make the best off of it.  I'm trying to be a good person, you know, I'm trying to make people see that you don't have to have something you want to be able to consider yourself happy.  I'm trying to see if somehow, I can survive not being jealous over something and whatnot.

But jealousy applies to so many things, and I might not be jealous materialistically, but I'd still be jealous over... love (?).

Like, okay.  This is gonna be a very sasaeng-like post but goodness, I just have it in me and it so so so so sooooooo bad.  So freaking bad.  I shouldn't feel like this every time I see stuff I don't want to see, but sometimes things happen and you can't stop them.

As many of you probably know now, my ultimate bias is Onew.  Yay.

And what some of you may not know is that... I get jealous when I see him with a girl.

Call me selfish, ignorant, stupid, hopeless, sasaeng (as I've indirectly stated) for thinking like this, I don't even care anymore.  I just really need to get all of this out and I believe that writing solves many things so this is the only way I can think of.

Uh, yes, I know I do have NO right whatsoever to feel jealous, but I'm a human, and what good can humans do, seriously.

So yeah, I get jealous when I see pics of him with a girl.  I don't know, there's just something.  My mind is all so ratchet it's like there's a miniature version of me rocking back and forth in my head going, "It's possible, it's possible, it's possible".  But dang, does it get tiring.

I already know I don't have a chance, and I already know I don't have the right—ANY right—, and I already know this is stupid, and I already know I sound stupid, but I just can't bring myself to smile and be like, "Oh, he's socializing with the opposite gender, how cute" because I know that deep, deep, deeeeeep down inside my chest I do not like it.  I don't.

Why am I writing this?  I'm not so sure myself, but I guess I just kind of lost all the care and I just want to be able to say how I feel and I feel like you guys aren't ignorant to judge me and my thoughts and my feelings and my ways so I'm posting it here.  I don't know.  I really don't know.

The thing is, when I see Onew stuff I go, "Ohhhhh myyyy goooodnessssss" like all fangirling and happy and giddy and stuff.  But then when I see Onew stuff with a female, I just go "Well".  And that's it.  I just go off, let time pass by, and probably let more time pass by, then go back.  But still feel something.  Because I get hurt.  I do.  And it's so idiotic because...

"Juhannah... you don't stand a chance.  Face it.  What are you?  Who do you think you are?  You're just another girl, amongst the sea of other more girls surrounding him.  He's probably set his mind, and he probably has someone else.  Juhannah.  Just stop.  Wake up and be realistic."

But how can I be realistic when we're both living under the same sky?  How can I be realistic when I feel like someday, somehow, by some incredible power lingering out there, we'd actually be able to talk and get close to each other?  How can I be realistic when I know he's real?  How can I be realistic when the jealousy I feel is real?  How can I be realistic when the hurt I feel is real?  How can I be realistic when everything else I think of is real, but fiction?

How can I be realistic, if everything else is realistic also?

Bakit kasi kailangan ko pang magkaroon ng puso.  Pwede namang pinanganak ako na hindi ko kailangan magmahal.  Bakit kailangan kong maging ganito kababaw sa pag-ibig.  Bakit sa tuwing pinipikit ko ang mga mata ko, mukha lang niya ang nakikita ko.  Bakit yung boses na nagsasabi na "May chansa" ay mas malakas sa boses na nagsasabing "Hindi, huwag na.  Masasaktan ka lang."

Why do I have to have a heart.  It would've been better if I was born without having to love.  Why do I have to be this dense when it comes to love.  Why is it that every time I close my eyes, his face is the only one I see.  Why is it that the voice that says "There's a chance" is louder than the voice that says "No, don't.  You'll only get hurt".

I feel like at some point or another, we all felt the same like I'm feeling.  I don't know.  Sometimes I think the reason why I don't find any other guy attractive is because... another guy out there on the other side of the world exists.  You know.  I don't know.

My head is all tied up in knots now.  I think I just tangled things up even worse.

I mean, he's just so... different from any other guy I've met and got close to.  He's so close to perfect and many have said this, but I don't know if they mean it the way I do.  He's so out of this world, there's only one of him and that's a fact.  That is so... hurtful.  That means he only belongs to one, just one.

I wish there was a way I could switch my feelings on and off, because when I don't see him, it's off, but when he's under the spotlight, it's him and only him and nothing else.

I wish there was a way I could switch my feelings on and off when I see him, because it's really starting to get to me, and it's getting worse and worse every time the clock ticks.