(No guys, it isn't my birthday. But it's my brother's so yes, I was suddenly reminded that I had this written somewhere in my blogspot account. Just sharing this with you just because.)

October 9, 2012

-- Tuesday

Seventeen years old.

            I certainly am not getting any younger. No matter how much I try to backtrack and grab the chances I've missed in those last sixteen years, I know that couldn't. No matter how want to manipulate my yesterdays, I'm now stuck at doing something for my coming tomorrows.

           Truth is, I'm scared. No, terrified would be the proper term to describe what I feel as the realization of gaining another year slapped me hard on my ugly face. It terrifies me for a whole different reason; I definitely am not scared or even worried about seeing my skin sag. What scares me is the probability that even when my years age, I'd be stuck to where I am now with the little knowledge about everything.

           I guess what most people fear about getting older goes beyond the fear of seeing rapid physical changes happen to them; it is the feeling of not being good enough for their age. I know this for sure because that is how I see myself now; positively scared about not matching up to what this age expects me to be.

          You may sneer at that remark and think that I am overreacting, but believe it or not guys, this is more than just birthday blues. I deeply am anxious at the things I still can't do at age 17. I seem ignorant and incompetent compared to other people my age.

          We all dream of being good enough to be able to achieve our aspirations on the years to come, but we almost put to line the significance of what we currently have in the present; the things and events currently laid in front of us.

           I am saying this to myself more than to any of you who happened to stumble upon this blogpost, but yeah, I hope you got a thing or two from reading this birthday blues post. God I'm being paranoid at getting a year older.

January 28, 2012

-- Monday

             I think I did something good for my brother.

             I had written him a birthday card and gave him a domokun keychain for his birthday.

             ...something I hadn't done for about several years now. Not that I would count that simple gesture as special, but it was definitely something. He is 14 years old now by the way. We were so busy with our separate lives that I can't even remember the last time we've actually talked about something coherent and meaningful to both of us. He's too quiet; my opposite, but God knows how much I wanted to talk to him and have him open up about anything that's going on about his sophomore life, but my busy schedules' been keeping me away from having deep conversations with him.

             ...that and his evasiveness.

             I shouldn't be surprised, after all he is still adjusting to the changes happening to him, physically and mentally. I have been through all that and I do believe I was worse. I may have put my tween angst behind me already, but I remember having rough surges of wanting to be alone with my thoughts all the time. I still remember the feeling of wanting to shut even my family away from me. He may be like that too, still 'searching' for his identity, but it's really sad that we live under the same roof but do not even take time to catch up with some serious things about each other. I miss the younger us, those two little people who'd cower under the petrifying gaze of our mom together, the same little rascals who'd wrench each others' hair out and laugh right after because of the mess we created.

             It's kind of awkward actually, I was never good at making people feel they're special to me. I even envy a fiction character's relationship with her younger sibling, and whenever I read that story I would always feel myself wanting to have what she has with her brother.

             I missed doing something special for my brother, and I miss hearing him talk enthusiastically about anything.

   ...and I missed conversing with you, my AFF friends.

   This was longer than I expected, but I do hope I clearly made my point. Although I get the feeling I didn't but you know me, so yeah.

God Bless you everybody,

Achailee.